I moved away from my home town and moved overseas when I was in my early 20s, but every time I came back for a visit, I snuck back into the dairy barn I used to work for as a teenager in order to have some good fun with the cows.
I knew the place in and out, even in the dark and even though many cows changed over the years, it was never a problem to find a willing mate.
After not working there any longer, I knew that I was now in the grey zone of fence-hopping and illegally trespassing, but hey, with my bloodstream full of hormones and my brains sagging South between my legs, it never stopped me from going there anyways…
One night during one of my visits…it was probably 1:30/2:00 o’clock in the morning, I left my clothes on a stool just inside the barn door as usual - a barn where the cows (about 60 of them) were still in stanchions - found a nice, willing mate and took my time enjoying myself.
Everybody who has been in dairy barns knows the constant noise level of cows moving, stanchion chains ratteling, cows peeing and shitting, etc… so I never herd the stool falling over and my cloths hitting the ground.
Well, once finished, I returned to the stool to get dressed, just to find out that a curious heifer, which was not stanchioned up, had pulled my clothes off the stool and spread them around the barn floor….cows stepping on them, covered in straw, shit and piss!
Fuck! Putting on the lights was not an option being officially a trespasser, and other than some very vague illumination from a light in the milk galley at the end of the barn, it was rather dark!
With slight panic rising inside me, I crawled around the floor between the cows trying to retrieve my boots, socks, jeans, shirt and hat and luckily enough I found them all after a while, now putting on manure-soiled clothes…
I just wanted to get out of there at this point, so I hurried up, dressed and left the barn, jogged back to the vehicle parked about 500 meters up the road and made my way back home.
Well, now I had to deal with a couple of other problems….being back to my hometown from overseas, needless to say, this was not my vehicle, but rather my mums fancy leather seat Saab convertible, in which I now sat, driving home at 3am in manure soiled clothes!!!
After pulling back into the yard, I ran to the house in order to shower, change and wash my soiled clothes, only to find out that my wallet, which was in the back pocket of my pants was no longer there…I could feel my throat tightening up…. in the wallet was my whole life….driver‘s license, credit cards, you name it!
At this time, i could feel panic surfacing….somewhere in the barn, my wallet must have slipped out of my pants from the cows dragging my clothes around.
What to do????? Took me a couple of minutes to collect myself and trying to think clear….
I quickly showered, put my old clothes into the washing machine, dressed and went back to the car, which - so I realized now being freshly showered and dressed - was reeking of cow manure. I could see manure stains on the seat, the middle console, floor, steering wheel….everywhere!!! Aaarrrggghh!
Here I was at now close to 4am in the morning, cleaning out my mums car, trying to get rid of any evidence of my nightly adventures, still having the thought of my lost wallet in the back of my mind….
It took a while, but once satisfied with my cleaning efforts, I put away the cleaning supplies and drove back to the barn…a good 20 minute drive one way!
I arrived around 5am and - as I just about expected - lights were on in the barn! We always started milking around that time in the past!
Anyways, I put all my courage together and went into the barn…I had to do some kind of damage control, if I wanted to or not!
Walking in I was happy to see that it was the dairy farmer‘s son doing the morning chores, whom I knew very well from my younger years.
Surprised to see me - specially at that time of day, but that was easy to justify - we started chatting and bullshitting just like in old times!!
I helped him do chores and doing the morning milking in the hope to find my wallet somewhere, but never found it…..
Went home around 7:30am, my mum being worried about where I was with her car, but now at least I had a good excuse for being gone in the morning and having remnant cow cow smells in her car - I helped milking at the dairy!!!
My wallet showed up a couple of days later….the farmer‘s son found it in the barn!
He gave it back to me, saying I must have lost it doing chores with him….why he had that smirk on his face though, I‘ll never know….