What dog should I get (but I have insane demands.)

There's a breed of dog that has naturally forming dreadlocks and literally looks just like an old dirty mop.😅 I don't know how that works and apparently they are super energetic so definitely not your type but interesting nonetheless.
 
There's a breed of dog that has naturally forming dreadlocks and literally looks just like an old dirty mop.😅 I don't know how that works and apparently they are super energetic so definitely not your type but interesting nonetheless.
Hahahahahah what an interesting look. What are they called so I can see pics
 
-I am fucking lazy most of the time.

Some breeds will be poor choices, but most can be adaptable to lower levels of physical exertion. It would probably be wise to avoid most hunting breeds and sight hounds, among others..

-But not in winter. If it’s winter I’ll happily be out there, snow, wind, negative degrees? I don’t care. I will be out there.
Perhaps a long coat breed, but they will pay for it in the warmer months.

-I have physical disabilities that flare up and get in the way sometimes.
Train them for assistance. Those of us with physical challenges, especially as we get older, can greatly benefit from some relatively basic assistance. There are plenty of resources on the training, but assuming no prior training experience I recommed reading Pryor's "Don't Shoot the Dog" and for assistance work, "Teamwork 1 & 2". Neither is a new publication and they can often be found used at considerable savings (not that they are expensive to begin with).

Climate:
-Summers can be hot as hell. Why I’m lazy as shit in the summer I don’t have reliable AC atm.
Long hair dogs may suffer and their shedding can be....intense.

-Winters are pretty cold (why I live here.. considering moving to somewhere colder to be honest)
Coats and boots work fine. I've had shorthair breeds out in deep cold (beyond about -20F/-28C I tend to remain in shelter except when necessary)

-I have a backyard (unfenced) that they can spend time in. Lots of squirrels and rabbits.
Decent training with a solid recall works wonders.

-I am a home body, I will likely be spending a good chunk of the evenings and nights with her. On the weekend I’m home all the time.
That will definitely help.

-I don’t think I can brush a dog, I might consider a groomer but I believe that may get quite expensive if I have to keep getting her brushed.
Long hair dogs are probably out then.

-I sometimes feed dry but prefer to feed wet, raw is simply beyond my realm right now.
IMO, dry food is the best option. Dogs have significantly less ability to taste than we do (seems weird, considering the sense of smell is stronger) and wet food often comes with increased dental issues. A quality dry food is well formulated for a balanced diet and is easy to regulate to maintain a healthy weight. Nothing wrong with raw food if one can include all that's necessary, but it's a lot of work.

Sensory needs. (The weirdly specific stuff.)
-I’d prefer a dog that doesn’t bark too much as I have very strong hearing. I’m against getting vocal cords messed with, and I don’t mind a bark, I’d just prefer it not be constant yapping.
-I hate smell, so is there a way to get a dog that doesn’t smell like dog? Yes I realize I sound unrealistic and insane…
Some breeds are less prone to barking than others, border collies are often fairly quiet, beagles not so much, but training and desensitization can go a long way to curbing some of it.

-Okay with cats.
Typically even hunting breeds can be fine with cats if raised with them, but avoiding breeds with high prey drive is probably best around cats and other small animals.

Please tell me if my demands are unreasonable and that I shouldn’t get a dog. I want to give a dog the best life it can have, and sometimes that means I’m not their owner.
If you have the dedication to care for a dog and expect you can reasonably care for one today, tomorrow and for the next 10-15 years I think it's perfectly reasonable to consider one. You know your lifestyle better than anyone else and you know what you're capable of, just make sure you're taking the dog's life into consideration as well (seems you are).
 
Despite the breed, I'd advise in getting a juvenil/adult dog so you can have a better notion of its personality. If you're adopting from a shelter, you can for example visit them and play with your favs for a while before choosing, because besides training there are puppies that turn out to just really be a handful, and others that are angels.
 
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Some breeds will be poor choices, but most can be adaptable to lower levels of physical exertion. It would probably be wise to avoid most hunting breeds and sight hounds, among others..


Perhaps a long coat breed, but they will pay for it in the warmer months.


Train them for assistance. Those of us with physical challenges, especially as we get older, can greatly benefit from some relatively basic assistance. There are plenty of resources on the training, but assuming no prior training experience I recommed reading Pryor's "Don't Shoot the Dog" and for assistance work, "Teamwork 1 & 2". Neither is a new publication and they can often be found used at considerable savings (not that they are expensive to begin with).


Long hair dogs may suffer and their shedding can be....intense.


Coats and boots work fine. I've had shorthair breeds out in deep cold (beyond about -20F/-28C I tend to remain in shelter except when necessary)


Decent training with a solid recall works wonders.


That will definitely help.


Long hair dogs are probably out then.


IMO, dry food is the best option. Dogs have significantly less ability to taste than we do (seems weird, considering the sense of smell is stronger) and wet food often comes with increased dental issues. A quality dry food is well formulated for a balanced diet and is easy to regulate to maintain a healthy weight. Nothing wrong with raw food if one can include all that's necessary, but it's a lot of work.


Some breeds are less prone to barking than others, border collies are often fairly quiet, beagles not so much, but training and desensitization can go a long way to curbing some of it.


Typically even hunting breeds can be fine with cats if raised with them, but avoiding breeds with high prey drive is probably best around cats and other small animals.


If you have the dedication to care for a dog and expect you can reasonably care for one today, tomorrow and for the next 10-15 years I think it's perfectly reasonable to consider one. You know your lifestyle better than anyone else and you know what you're capable of, just make sure you're taking the dog's life into consideration as well (seems you are).
Extremely helpful and I didn’t know wet food causes more dental issues. Thanks for informing me.
 
I am partial to Pirinees, which would comply about 50% of your needs. Stands cold weather nicely, suffers on summer. Big dig but not really energetic. Sleeps more of the day, but always alert. Suffice a decent walk once or twice a day and let her play with other dogs.
Really stubborn and will do what they thinks they must (have quite goid judgement, fortunatelly).
Long hair but mostly automantained. Seen work dogs that were never brushed in their life, would look like rastafari but just ok.
Also strong, depending tour disability it might be a problem. Also, if left open will go away explore and came back... at some time.

In any case, for any dog:
Many of your quesions were sexually orientated. Consider Murphy is there so you get one that is never interested, but will still be a very fulfilling experience that will "chain" you for a decade or more. If you are still interested, go ahead :)

Consider expenses, keep a reservoir for energencies.

On your plan... Open backyard looks a bad idea. Not only can she run away, but when in heat makes will come in and... well. You know.
Consider a metal fence enclosure, big as you lije, to keep her in and keep them out

Other than that, get the laziest one of the litter and kerp in mind nine month to a year is the peak of destructive puppies, after that, it gets better.
If you have an outside enclosure, then it is a bliss. You have her inside, and when she gets hyper, put her outside with her water, food, house and toys, let her in when she is calmed.
 
I am partial to Pirinees, which would comply about 50% of your needs. Stands cold weather nicely, suffers on summer. Big dig but not really energetic. Sleeps more of the day, but always alert. Suffice a decent walk once or twice a day and let her play with other dogs.
Really stubborn and will do what they thinks they must (have quite goid judgement, fortunatelly).
Long hair but mostly automantained. Seen work dogs that were never brushed in their life, would look like rastafari but just ok.
Also strong, depending tour disability it might be a problem. Also, if left open will go away explore and came back... at some time.

In any case, for any dog:
Many of your quesions were sexually orientated. Consider Murphy is there so you get one that is never interested, but will still be a very fulfilling experience that will "chain" you for a decade or more. If you are still interested, go ahead :)

Consider expenses, keep a reservoir for energencies.

On your plan... Open backyard looks a bad idea. Not only can she run away, but when in heat makes will come in and... well. You know.
Consider a metal fence enclosure, big as you lije, to keep her in and keep them out

Other than that, get the laziest one of the litter and kerp in mind nine month to a year is the peak of destructive puppies, after that, it gets better.
If you have an outside enclosure, then it is a bliss. You have her inside, and when she gets hyper, put her outside with her water, food, house and toys, let her in when she is calmed.
Thank you. Very informative. Absouletely okay with a non sexually interested dog. I’m looking for a companion first and foremost.
 
Did anyone notice the fact that’s she’s lazy as fuck!?! I’m pretty sure those were her exact words. How would you expect to look after a dog? They take insane amounts of effort. Do you even work?
Why would anyone even support her getting a dog? WTF IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE!?! Unfuckingreal. You all discust me.

Have you looked into Akitas?
You know, I’ve thought of you as one of the more balanced members here. How would you even suggest a dog, especially an Akita to someone so fucking lazy that she literally screams it. She doesn’t even have a fenced yard, and Akitas are known to run off.

Thank you. Very informative. Absouletely okay with a non sexually interested dog. I’m looking for a companion first and foremost.
Go buy a stuffed animal!
 
-I am fucking lazy most of the time.
-But not in winter. If it’s winter I’ll happily be out there, snow, wind, negative degrees? I don’t care. I will be out there.
Yeah, but a dog is going to need your attention all year round. Not just in the winter.
-I also live near a dog park and don’t mind going there in the summer sometimes (only to see if I can find leeches
That is not enough. Even dogs who have a pretty large yard accessible all times need, like and enjoy going on walks.
On top of that you do not have to go there sometimes, you are going to have to walk your dog several times a day, every day.
-I am happy to provide many toys (because I like buying them!)
Toys are good, in my experience the best toys were never meant to be toys :D but they do not actually provide all a dog needs.
-I have physical disabilities that flare up and get in the way sometimes.
This is unfortunate and if it is preventing you from taking good care of a dog, then it might be a reason to not get a dog.

Climate:
-Summers can be hot as hell. Why I’m lazy as shit in the summer I don’t have reliable AC atm.
-Winters are pretty cold (why I live here.. considering moving to somewhere colder to be honest)
-I have a backyard (unfenced) that they can spend time in. Lots of squirrels and rabbits.
-they would be allowed on furniture including my bed!
Get a reliable AC. Your dog will appreciate it.
Fence the backyard.
Not allowing a dog to sleep with you in your bed is a strong reason not to get any animal at all. :D So good decision there.
-I am a home body, I will likely be spending a good chunk of the evenings and nights with her. On the weekend I’m home all the time.
Wrong. You can not keep a dog at home all day long and you can not release a dog into an unfenced backyard and expect the dog not to run away. On weekends you will be outside on multi-hour long hikes or if that is not available, you will be out on 3 walks a day each at least 30 minutes long.
-I don’t think I can brush a dog, I might consider a groomer but I believe that may get quite expensive if I have to keep getting her brushed.
Get a breed that does not require that.
But that is a minuscule problem compared to all the other care you will have to provide for your dog. Tooth brushing, nail clipping, (ear cleaning). All of that should be done by you and not a vet to both spare the dog the stress and save your money.
-I’d prefer a dog that doesn’t bark too much as I have very strong hearing. I’m against getting vocal cords messed with, and I don’t mind a bark, I’d just prefer it not be constant yapping.
This can be taught. But you can also not get a husky. :D
-I hate smell, so is there a way to get a dog that doesn’t smell like dog? Yes I realize I sound unrealistic and insane…
Different breeds smell different. Get a breed that does not have a very oily fur. But you will be living with the dog and you will forget the smell naturally.
Considering you want and intact female dog, this is a truly stupid requirement. :D
-Easy going
-Lower activity level
-Okay with cats.
All of that is completely individual. Breed characteristics are helpful but not accurate.
Cats can be taught, behavior can be corrected, activity level fluctuates. Do not get a border collie.

Please tell me if my demands are unreasonable and that I shouldn’t get a dog. I want to give a dog the best life it can have, and sometimes that means I’m not their owner.
I do not think you should get a dog. A dog is a commitment for 7 - 18 years. You are entirely responsible for their life and the dog relies on you completely.

There will be unexpected situation that you have to solve. Your dog will get sick at 2am in the worst storm you have ever seen and you will have to walk them every hour until the morning.
There is no way you can skip walking your dog. I do not count your yard because you can not let a dog loose there.
You can not ignore your dog and expect to have a nice relationship based on not giving enough attention to the dog.
You are going to have to train your dog, socialize your dog, attend a training course for a couple of years, solve day to day encounters with other dogs that might be a bit aggressive.
And a ton of other problems that you can read about here:
 
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Yeah, but a dog is going to need your attention all year round. Not just in the winter.

That is not enough. Even dogs who have a pretty large yard accessible all times need, like and enjoy going on walks.
On top of that you do not have to go there sometimes, you are going to have to walk your dog several times a day, every day.

Toys are good, in my experience the best toys were never meant to be toys :D but they do not actually provide all a dog needs.

This is unfortunate and if it is preventing you from taking good care of a dog, then it might be a reason to not get a dog.


Get a reliable AC. Your dog will appreciate it.
Fence the backyard.
Not allowing a dog to sleep with you in your bed is a strong reason not to get any animal at all. :D So good decision there.

Wrong. You can not keep a dog at home all day long and you can not release a dog into an unfenced backyard and expect the dog not to run away. On weekends you will be outside on multi-hour long hikes or if that is not available, you will be out on 3 walks a day each at least 30 minutes long.

Get a breed that does not require that.
But that is a minuscule problem compared to all the other care you will have to provide for your dog. Tooth brushing, nail clipping, (ear cleaning). All of that should be done by you and not a vet to both spare the dog the stress and save your money.

This can be taught. But you can also not get a husky. :D

Different breeds smell different. Get a breed that does not have a very oily fur. But you will be living with the dog and you will forget the smell naturally.
Considering you want and intact female dog, this is a truly stupid requirement. :D

All of that is completely individual. Breed characteristics are helpful but not accurate.
Cats can be taught, behavior can be corrected, activity level fluctuates. Do not get a border collie.


I do not think you should get a dog. A dog is a commitment for 7 - 18 years. You are entirely responsible for their life and the dog relies on you completely.

There will be unexpected situation that you have to solve. Your dog will get sick at 2am in the worst storm you have ever seen and you will have to walk them every hour until the morning.
There is no way you can skip walking your dog. I do not count your yard because you can not let a dog loose there.
You can not ignore your dog and expect to have a nice relationship based on not giving enough attention to the dog.
You are going to have to train your dog, socialize your dog, attend a training course for a couple of years, solve day to day encounters with other dogs that might be a bit aggressive.
And a ton of other problems that you can read about here:
Realistic answer as always pes. I should wait until I’m in a better situation. Thank you for your input.
 
Did anyone notice the fact that’s she’s lazy as fuck!?! I’m pretty sure those were her exact words. How would you expect to look after a dog? They take insane amounts of effort. Do you even work?
Why would anyone even support her getting a dog? WTF IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE!?! Unfuckingreal. You all discust me.


You know, I’ve thought of you as one of the more balanced members here. How would you even suggest a dog, especially an Akita to someone so fucking lazy that she literally screams it. She doesn’t even have a fenced yard, and Akitas are known to run off.


Go buy a stuffed animal!
Good god man you could’ve just said don’t get a dog instead of yelling at everyone. I know you don’t like me but maybe don’t be rude to the poor people trying to help lol
 
Basenji. They have they physically cannot bark. People call the sound they make a yodel
Basenji would be a bad choice in my opinion, since they easily suffer from cold. They are tropical dogs. They are also said to be quite independent with a rather strong hunting instinct, which could become problematic with the squirrels and rabbits and even the cats which @temporaryacc mentioned.
 
Basenji would be a bad choice in my opinion, since they easily suffer from cold. They are tropical dogs. They are also said to be quite independent with a rather strong hunting instinct, which could become problematic with the squirrels and rabbits and even the cats which @temporaryacc mentioned.
To be fair after reading more a dog in general would be a bad choice. I was just trying to find something that fits some.
 
If you're a bit of a gambler you can get a mix breed. Great Danes sometimes bark but other than that they fit what you're asking. Maybe mixing them with a breed that doesn't bark could work out.
I think a great Dane x caviler king spinel would be a interesting mix.
 
edit: thank you for all of your responses and help. I will not be getting a dog right away, until I’m in a better spot. But when I do it will be a lab!

Welp I’ve finally accepted it! I am in fact, sexually attracted to animals and want to do it. I made a few posts with worries but they’ve all been answered! Thank you to all that helped me :)

I know this post has existed a lot… but I’m pretty weird and don’t live a normal life? I’m very specific I geuss.

I’ll start with this, only tell me characteristics of female dogs. I don’t care about cock size, fuck speed, etc etc.
And for females I’m not particular about pussy size (considering I don’t have a dick and would only use toys her size!)

Activity level:
-I am fucking lazy most of the time.
-But not in winter. If it’s winter I’ll happily be out there, snow, wind, negative degrees? I don’t care. I will be out there.
-I also live near a dog park and don’t mind going there in the summer sometimes (only to see if I can find leeches
-I am happy to provide many toys (because I like buying them!)
-I have physical disabilities that flare up and get in the way sometimes.

Climate:
-Summers can be hot as hell. Why I’m lazy as shit in the summer I don’t have reliable AC atm.
-Winters are pretty cold (why I live here.. considering moving to somewhere colder to be honest)
-I have a backyard (unfenced) that they can spend time in. Lots of squirrels and rabbits.
-they would be allowed on furniture including my bed!

Commitment:
-I am a home body, I will likely be spending a good chunk of the evenings and nights with her. On the weekend I’m home all the time.
-I don’t think I can brush a dog, I might consider a groomer but I believe that may get quite expensive if I have to keep getting her brushed.
-I sometimes feed dry but prefer to feed wet, raw is simply beyond my realm right now.

Sensory needs. (The weirdly specific stuff.)
-I’d prefer a dog that doesn’t bark too much as I have very strong hearing. I’m against getting vocal cords messed with, and I don’t mind a bark, I’d just prefer it not be constant yapping.
-I hate smell, so is there a way to get a dog that doesn’t smell like dog? Yes I realize I sound unrealistic and insane…

Temperament:
-Easy going
-Lower activity level
-Okay with cats.

Please tell me if my demands are unreasonable and that I shouldn’t get a dog. I want to give a dog the best life it can have, and sometimes that means I’m not their owner.
These are about the same requirements as me !! Good luck when you finally do get your furry friend
 
Good god man you could’ve just said don’t get a dog instead of yelling at everyone. I know you don’t like me but maybe don’t be rude to the poor people trying to help lol
Trying to help? Try to help the thousands of dogs in shelters because someone just like you wanted a puppy, and their friends supported it because nobody has the balls to say anything anymore in fear of being shunned.
My friends had a bunch of puppies that they sold to good homes. 3 out of 8 dogs came back before a year because they couldn’t be controlled. Biggest problem was, the new owners were all lazy. Plain and simple. Nobody wants to put in effort nowadays.
Do you know how much vet bills can be? Don’t be surprised if it reaches 50k over their lifetime (I noticed Someone mentioned Great Danes) and that’s not including food. And a bag of good dry food, is running a little under $100 Canadian, and any medium sized breed will need at least that in a month.
Try to use your head for once. You want to help and learn? Go foster some dogs for a couple years first. Warning, this actually will take effort on your part.
 
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