You are very correct about needing common interests. I almost think sexual interests are more important to be compatible with. You can easily say "hey I'm going in the other room to play video games" (well, in a healthy relationship that is), but it is a bit harder to say "hey I'm going into the other room to suck the dog's cock and pee inside this chick's ass". Like many healthy couples have very different nonsexual interests and can give each other time to do them (and it is actually healthy to have time alone), but if it is very important that your partner do them with you, well that would probably be an issue too, but different than sexual interests. If I ever have another relationship in the future I not going to compromise much on sexual interests. They will have to love all my main ones in particular. I will probably compromise less on nonsexual ones too though, as I do want someone who understands me and can do some of them with me sometimes.
What attracted me in the first place was that she was cute and started talking to me. She seemed very interesting. I mean, it is easy for me to look back now and think "what the hell was I thinking?!" In regards to not just the current relationship but my other 2 long term ones.
What lead me to stay was emotional blackmail and their fear, obligation, and guilt tactics. And always some worry about them being violent. All long term relationships I've been in were with someone with a cluster B personality disorder.
I know there are a few reasons why things have gone the way they have gone. First, my mom has a personality disorder and is emotionally manipulative. When my dad finally divorced her when I was younger she made him out to be the devil to my sister and I. She still is obsessed with it to this day and will probably stay bitter about it till she dies. After years and years of hearing how horrible of a human being he was for leaving her and how "men should stay together with their wife/gf basically no matter what because you should never hurt them by leaving them like my dad did her" that kinda got hard coded in my subconscious. Despite being faced with senseless anger, violent outbursts, intense controlling behavior, insults, and more, the thought of breaking up felt even worse. On top of that though, they can go from the screaming tantrum of hate straight to wailing crying. In the current relationship there were times that I mentioned wanting a break from each other and it would go from anger and hate, sometimes slapping and such, straight to "please don't leave me it will crush me and I will have no reason to love anymore. I have had so many bad guys before and you are the first good one" in a split second." That of course, beyond my typically extremely logical brain, would trigger the teachings of the past and instead of sticking to it I would back down immediately. Of course to seal the deal they would become extremely loving for a week or so after. "I hate you, don't leave me" sums it up perfectly (actually a book title about the subject). It becomes constant survival mode trying to keep them happy so your life isn't hell.
In my first 2 relationships they ended up leaving me themselves. I swore I would never put myself in that position again, but the current one's tactics were more advanced and I wasn't ready. I didn't learn all this self awareness I'm regards to relationships until I was already deep into the current one. One thing you have to understand with people like them is you can't just say you are unhappy and want to split up and you sleep in separate rooms until you find a place to live and then they let you collect all your things peacefully. It is an onslaught of continuously escalating tactics from the point you say you are breaking up.
Secondly, I had horrible self esteem growing up and am cursed to have bad luck with women. I had maybe 1 or 2 girls in highschool that showed some interest but they were very much not my type. I didn't get a gf until I was 19, and that was my first ex. Despite her craziness I was just so happy to finally have someone that I ignored it all. We also had a child which I was more or less tricked into (I was young, dumb, and full of cumpletely bad decisions), so she also had our child to manipulate me with. There were other ways each found a way to trap me deeper into it as well.
In any case, in each instance I let my strong desire for love and companionship outweigh logic and self respect.
