Lets hear your best joke

This Chubby Brown one made me cry laughing.

"I'm not a ladies' man - I only get women coz of what I am.

Fuckin rapist."
 
Alright here goes,

Four kids are in recess and they are arguing about how people greet their respective fathers, emphasising on how important they are.

First one starts: My dad is a Duke and they call him “My Grace”

Second one starts: that’s rubbish, my dad is a Count and they call him “My Excellency”

Third one then says: that’s nothing, my dad is a King and they call him “My Majesty”

Fourth and last kid says: that’s all fine and good but my dad weighs about 200KGs (440lbs) and when people see him walking in the street, they say “My God!!”
 
Hope this one will make you laugh :)

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. He looks around and spots a barrel filled with money in the corner of the bar. He asks the bartender about the barrel and the bartender replies:

"You can win all that money if you can complete three tasks.
1. Drink a shot of Tabasco without moving a muscle.
2. My dog is in the back and has a sore tooth. Pull the tooth.
3. There is an old lady who lives upstairs and she has never had an orgasm. Make her cum."

The man refuses to do the tasks at first, but after downing a few more beers, he gets drunk and asks the bartender for the shot of Tabasco. He throws it back without moving a muscle and clears the first task.

"Now where is that doggy?" Says the man as he stumbles towards the back of the bar.

For the next 5 minutes the people inside the bar hear sounds of a dog barking and whining, and a man screaming. Then, suddenly everything goes quiet. The people start to worry about the man. Did the dog kill him?

A few minutes later the man stumbles back into the bar. His clothes are ripped, covered in blood and there are visible bite marks on his skin. The man gets another drink, throws it back and finally says:

"Now where is that old lady with the sore tooth?"
 
there are two cows on the fields
"did you know there's a virus going around called a mad cow disease?"
the other looked at him "damn that's gotta be terrifying, good thing I'm a penguin."
 
4 guys were going on a camping trip to a cabin with 2 bedrooms and 2 beds each. 3 got together beforehand to talk about the fourth one, Steve.

"What are we going to do about Steve? Whoever sleeps with him is not going to get any sleep because he snores so loud."

They nod and think about it for a minute and one of the others pipes up, "What if we switch rooms each night? That way all three of us only lose one night's sleep."

The other two think it's a good idea. So that weekend at bedtime the first night, one goes into the room with Steve. The next morning he comes out, eyes blood shot and barely open.

" I can't believe how loud Steve snores! All I could do was sit up all night and watch him sleep all night".

The second night, one of the other two goes into the room with Steve. He comes out the next morning looking exhausted. "He snored so loud, he was shaking MY bed! All I could do was sit up and watch him sleep all night!".

The last guy, a mountain of a man, goes in the last night. He comes out the next morning bright eyed and bushy tailed. "What's everyone want for breakfast? I'm cooking!".

The other two ask, "Ok, what did you do different that you got to sleep last night? Didn't Steve's snoring keep you awake?

"Well, when we went to bed last night, I tucked him in, kissed him good night and he sat up and watched me sleep all night."
 
Not sure if this is the best but I wrote it myself and it’s had quite a number of groans from friends:

I was trying to explain to someone the difference between being jewish as an ethnicity and being jewish as a religion but they seemed pretty anti-semantic.
 
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