Lets hear your best joke

I've told this one before, but here it goes...

A guy named Larry is giving a group of tourists a tour around his city. Larry points to a bridge and says, "You see that bridge over there, I helped build that bridge. Yet no one calls my "Larry the Bridge builder"" They continue on the tour until they get to a light house, Larry says "You see that light house over there, I helped build that light house. Yet no one calls me "Larry the lighthouse builder."" They finally get to the last leg of the tour where everyone stops at a dog park. Larry points at a dog and says, "See that dog over there, I once fucked a dog. Guess what everyone calls me?"
 
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Five Aussie surgeons from big cities are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Brisbane, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Perth, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon, from Adelaide , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Sydney chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’
 
There was a Cannibal Christmas party the other night. I was invited as an Observer, as I'm known to be an impartial sort of Cowboy. They seated me at the head table, with the King of the maneaters. We chewed the fat( virtually) for a bit. Had a couple of Scotches to loosen up. The cannibal maitre d' came over with a canape tray and a menu. I was looking at the tidbits on the tray, and noticed a few looking back. Odd feeling. But I looked at the king's menu and saw....

Brits: 1.00
Frenchmen: 1.00
Germans 1.00
Italians 1.00
Specials
Vegans: 22.50

So I asked the maitre d'....
"Why the high price for Vegans?"
He looked at me knowingly, and asked,
"Have you ever tried to CLEAN a Vegan?"
 
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The
local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the
cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet
In front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, Stranger" greeted the sheriff. "Howdy, Sheriff", returned
The cowpoke.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted the
horse's tail and placed a big kiss on the horse's asshole . He dropped
the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and headed straight
toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister", said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I
think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff, 'cause I got me some powerful chapped
lips.", the cowboy replied.
"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.
The cowboy turned back toward the saloon and without missing a beat
explained, "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin''em!"
 
my mother bought a Belgian Malinois.....

I thought she was the cutest dog in the world. Then I asked her "what did you name her?"

she looked at me and smiled, "waffles" lol :)
 
I've just changed the voice option on my sat nav to bono from U2 and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
 
FireShire said:
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The
local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the
cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet
In front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, Stranger" greeted the sheriff. "Howdy, Sheriff", returned
The cowpoke.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted the
horse's tail and placed a big kiss on the horse's asshole . He dropped
the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and headed straight
toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister", said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I
think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff, 'cause I got me some powerful chapped
lips.", the cowboy replied.
"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.
The cowboy turned back toward the saloon and without missing a beat
explained, "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin''em!"
Click to expand...
Which reminds me of the inebriated Cowboy and his sidekick who wobbled out of the saloon into the parking lot and disappeared between the semis. A Security guy saw them, and not wanting them to drive in their condition, he followed. He rounded a corner between two Pig trucks and theres the drunkest one sitting up against the rear tire of a truck. Tge less drunk of thevtwo had his fingers stuck up inside a pork belly the HARD way... he was drawing out his reeking digits when the Security fella hollered....
" What the hell are you doing?"
The Cowboy said" Ish okayyy, Ossifer....just...my par'ner here's real sick .. I needa make 'im throw up!"
Guard says" That ain't gonna make him
throw up....."
Cowboy says, "It will when I shove these fingers in his Mouth!"
 
Then there was the Old Cowhand wslked into the Pharmacy and asked the Druggist to fill his prescription for Viagra.
Druggist says..." Sir, Im sorry but that hasnt shipped this month....I only have two tablets in stock, and your prescribed number is ten".
The old guy says, "That's fine....Im gonna cut them into quarters anyway".
Druggist says, " Sir....at that dosage, you wont be able to get a full erection...."
The Cowboy smiles and says," Son, all I need is enough to keep me from peeing on my new Boots...."
 
The 6 lunatics of the asylum
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are sitting in the garden of a neuropsychiatric hospital.

Not knowing how to occupy his time, and bored, the zoophile says:
- And if we fuck a cat?

Then the sadist says:
– That's right, we're going to fuck a cat and then we torture it…!

The murderer says:
- Let's fuck a cat, torture it and then kill it!



Says the necrophile:
– Let's fuck a cat, torture it, kill it and then we fuck it again!



And the pyromaniac says:
– We are going to fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and set it on fire!

There is a sudden silence, and everyone looks at the masochist and asks:
- And, you don't say anything?

And the masochist replies:
-!!! Miauuu…!!!
 
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A Mexican and a Gringo go to a hotel and rent a room but when they enter they are told that a ghost appears in the room, when they enter the room they see that there was only one bed! and the gringo says:

Since I have more money than you, I sleep in bed! and you on the floor! And at night the ghost comes out and says "I'M THE COCOLISO GHOST AND THE ONE WHO SLEEPS IN THE BED TODAY I STEP ON" and fucks the Gringo
The next day the Gringo tells the Mexican:

Now you sleep in the Mexican bed and when night comes the ghost comes out and says! "I AM THE GHOST COCOLISO YESTERDAY I FUCKED THE ONE IN THE BED AND NOW I FUCK THE ONE ON THE FLOOR"
 

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What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber. 🥒

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it. ☎️

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird. 🪶 🦚

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose. 🐕


A co-worker said she had a tickle in her throat. I asked if it could be the kids playing tag? 🙊

I have a meeting with HR this morning.
 
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