I've been repressing my sexuality for years and it's ruining my life

Yeah, I just can't see these medications as a real treatment for mental illness. I feel as though they only treat the symptom and not the problem, which for people like us, is often society's scorn, loneliness and fear. That's definitely what I'm feeling right now.

I'm sorry you haven't gotten to be with a horse though, that's awful. Are you not near any shelters or riding schools or just people who look after any?
 
Are you sure you can't find any horses to meet? Like, they must be *somewhere*. Even if you have to go riding, or just wander around in the country and meet them by the fence, they have to be somewhere around you.
 
Nope, it's not physically possible for me to meet a horse. Or even mentally, for that matter.
 
hippophile said:
I guess I'm not sure.

Anyway, the offer still stands. If you ever feel alone and need to talk, I'm here. You can tell me pretty much anything.
Click to expand...
Sounds like you need as much emotional support as I do.
We can be there for each other ❤
 
I can relate to alot that's been written on here already and i do share similar experiences and thoughts with alot of you.

Trying to figure all these things out and coming to terms with all of this is probably harder for some than others though. I sat in a similar emotional roller coaster at one point and to some extent i still do, as there are no easy ways to go about this no matter how you look at it. When i started college this "deviation" had already been growing on me for a few years. And no i did not understand it at all..

Both of my previous relationships had come to a standstill because somewhere deep down i knew what i wanted, but i couldn't bring it upon myself to tell them. I never talked to anyone about it out of pure fear of being an outcast, and at the time i ended up looking at this whole spectrum as a gigantic burden.

Some days (sometimes even whole weeks) i would get home from school, skip making dinner, and the rest of the day would be spent lying on my bed just wallowing over the fact that i was so fucked up, how the hell could i have these urges? And at the same time a whole lot of self-pity about being very allergic to just about any animal that had fur, but most notably dogs.

This was nearly 10 years ago though. After years of living with this and realizing there is no way to repress it, i no longer see it as a burden, nor a blessing. It's just who i am, and i've accepted that. It was made a whole lot easier once i discovered these types of forums and just seeing with my own eyes that i wasn't alone. That a whole lot of people had endured the same struggles and that luckily, many had come to terms with it.



Being a vast minority, and this all being "wrong", "disgusting" and "taboo", sure as hell gives most people an incentive not to talk about this to anyone, not mentioning it and definetly not trying to be understanding about it! Which in turn just bottles up and becomes overwhelming at some point. I think it's important to take the initiative to talk to other likeminded people, even if it's just over the internet. To get some clarity, and to be able to talk and vent about this stuff without the invisible walls.

All i can say OP is that you should stop beating yourself up over it and try accept it instead. In truth it doesn't do you or anyone else any good. And from what i can gather you still have your youth. You got a whole life ahead of you, and believe me a whole lot can change over the course of decade.

Feel free to message me if you want, i'm generally a very chatty and open person so i wouldn't mind.

?Merry Christmas!?
 
First let’s make this vitally important commitment: No matter what happens, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF!!
I say that as a person who has tried to commit suicide twice, and came very close to death the second time.
Here’s why you must stay alive. I know exactly how you feel, i know the intense pain that engulfs your entire existance. I suffered through that for almost 20 years then i found help and you can too and once the burden is lifted off your back you wont believe how incredible life is! And you’ll be so thankful that you are alive!

i suspect you have a couple of things going on. One is your love of animals which is perfectly ok and normal for so many people myself included.

Second, I’m almost certain you’re battling depression that makes your entire life feel like hell all the time. I’ve been there.

Before you can fully appreciate your animal attractions you’ve got to get the depression under control. There are several things to do to help.
Let me ask, how did you feel immediately after those long bike rides to and from the stables? Other than exhausted, I’ll bet you felt pretty good about life in general didn’t you?

Exercise causes our brains to produce more endorphins which are the chemicals that make us happy. So, when you’re feeling especially down, go for a bike ride or a brisk walk to get those happy chemicals flowing up there.

You really also need to find a doctor to help by letting you try antidepressants and once you find the one that works with your personal brain chemistry, man, you’ll want to live forever! Once you taste how good life is once you get those chemicals in the brain hitting on most cylinders you are going to find everything in your life so much easier to understand and to prioritize.

i did it. It took trial and error a few times trying different antidepressants from my shrink but one finally worked and I’ve never been happier in my life.

Regarding your love of animals, when you see a psychiatrist they will talk with you about the things in your life that are bothering you. I’m not sure that I would mention your physical attraction to animals because it is almost a certainty that the doc will not understand it in the slightest.

in my case, I kept my bisexuality hidden from my doctors because i couldnt bring myself to tell anyone that I’m sexually attracted to both women and men. So my strong desires to suck horse and dog cocks was not about to even come close to being mentioned to them!

after one of the antidepressants worked and the thoughts of suicide vanished, i was able to think so much clearer about my life and what I wanted to do with it.

I eventually decided to take a leap into a complete life changing decision I’d dreamed of all my adult life, since seeing my very first porn video at age 12.

i wanted to be in the girl’s place in that video so badly, I vowed to one day go into starring in gay porn.

three years and 6 weeks ago I did it! I quit my very successful and highly respected career as a Pulitzer Prize winning newspaper photojournalist and started appearing in amateur gay porn! And lots of it! In the 3 years since I’ve starred in over 200 gay porn videos that are located at over 100 porn sites worldwide. And the kicker is that I use my real and full name as my porn name, Stewart Bowman.

the move cost me my family,every friend I’ve ever had and my six figure career in the news business. With all that cost, you know what? I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

Had i not gotten a handle on the depression I could have never done something as extreme as my move out of the closet and right into porn, which shocked the hell out of everyone who knew me, which explains why they all completely removed me from their lives.

Declare war on your depression and everything else in your life will fall right into place.

i’ll be cheering for you my friend.
(I’ll understand if you’d prefer not to have a semi-pro gay porn slut as a friend, lol)

hang in there,
Stewart
 
Stewart said:
First let’s make this vitally important commitment: No matter what happens, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF!!
I say that as a person who has tried to commit suicide twice, and came very close to death the second time.
Here’s why you must stay alive. I know exactly how you feel, i know the intense pain that engulfs your entire existance. I suffered through that for almost 20 years then i found help and you can too and once the burden is lifted off your back you wont believe how incredible life is! And you’ll be so thankful that you are alive!

i suspect you have a couple of things going on. One is your love of animals which is perfectly ok and normal for so many people myself included.

Second, I’m almost certain you’re battling depression that makes your entire life feel like hell all the time. I’ve been there.

Before you can fully appreciate your animal attractions you’ve got to get the depression under control. There are several things to do to help.
Let me ask, how did you feel immediately after those long bike rides to and from the stables? Other than exhausted, I’ll bet you felt pretty good about life in general didn’t you?

Exercise causes our brains to produce more endorphins which are the chemicals that make us happy. So, when you’re feeling especially down, go for a bike ride or a brisk walk to get those happy chemicals flowing up there.

You really also need to find a doctor to help by letting you try antidepressants and once you find the one that works with your personal brain chemistry, man, you’ll want to live forever! Once you taste how good life is once you get those chemicals in the brain hitting on most cylinders you are going to find everything in your life so much easier to understand and to prioritize.

i did it. It took trial and error a few times trying different antidepressants from my shrink but one finally worked and I’ve never been happier in my life.

Regarding your love of animals, when you see a psychiatrist they will talk with you about the things in your life that are bothering you. I’m not sure that I would mention your physical attraction to animals because it is almost a certainty that the doc will not understand it in the slightest.

in my case, I kept my bisexuality hidden from my doctors because i couldnt bring myself to tell anyone that I’m sexually attracted to both women and men. So my strong desires to suck horse and dog cocks was not about to even come close to being mentioned to them!

after one of the antidepressants worked and the thoughts of suicide vanished, i was able to think so much clearer about my life and what I wanted to do with it.

I eventually decided to take a leap into a complete life changing decision I’d dreamed of all my adult life, since seeing my very first porn video at age 12.

i wanted to be in the girl’s place in that video so badly, I vowed to one day go into starring in gay porn.

three years and 6 weeks ago I did it! I quit my very successful and highly respected career as a Pulitzer Prize winning newspaper photojournalist and started appearing in amateur gay porn! And lots of it! In the 3 years since I’ve starred in over 200 gay porn videos that are located at over 100 porn sites worldwide. And the kicker is that I use my real and full name as my porn name, Stewart Bowman.

the move cost me my family,every friend I’ve ever had and my six figure career in the news business. With all that cost, you know what? I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

Had i not gotten a handle on the depression I could have never done something as extreme as my move out of the closet and right into porn, which shocked the hell out of everyone who knew me, which explains why they all completely removed me from their lives.

Declare war on your depression and everything else in your life will fall right into place.

i’ll be cheering for you my friend.
(I’ll understand if you’d prefer not to have a semi-pro gay porn slut as a friend, lol)

hang in there,
Stewart
Click to expand...
Awesome post Stewart and your a handsome man that I would love to spend time with!! You are a beautiful man!
 
Stewart said:
First let’s make this vitally important commitment: No matter what happens, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF!!
I say that as a person who has tried to commit suicide twice, and came very close to death the second time.
Here’s why you must stay alive. I know exactly how you feel, i know the intense pain that engulfs your entire existance. I suffered through that for almost 20 years then i found help and you can too and once the burden is lifted off your back you wont believe how incredible life is! And you’ll be so thankful that you are alive!

i suspect you have a couple of things going on. One is your love of animals which is perfectly ok and normal for so many people myself included.

Second, I’m almost certain you’re battling depression that makes your entire life feel like hell all the time. I’ve been there.

Before you can fully appreciate your animal attractions you’ve got to get the depression under control. There are several things to do to help.
Let me ask, how did you feel immediately after those long bike rides to and from the stables? Other than exhausted, I’ll bet you felt pretty good about life in general didn’t you?

Exercise causes our brains to produce more endorphins which are the chemicals that make us happy. So, when you’re feeling especially down, go for a bike ride or a brisk walk to get those happy chemicals flowing up there.

You really also need to find a doctor to help by letting you try antidepressants and once you find the one that works with your personal brain chemistry, man, you’ll want to live forever! Once you taste how good life is once you get those chemicals in the brain hitting on most cylinders you are going to find everything in your life so much easier to understand and to prioritize.

i did it. It took trial and error a few times trying different antidepressants from my shrink but one finally worked and I’ve never been happier in my life.

Regarding your love of animals, when you see a psychiatrist they will talk with you about the things in your life that are bothering you. I’m not sure that I would mention your physical attraction to animals because it is almost a certainty that the doc will not understand it in the slightest.

in my case, I kept my bisexuality hidden from my doctors because i couldnt bring myself to tell anyone that I’m sexually attracted to both women and men. So my strong desires to suck horse and dog cocks was not about to even come close to being mentioned to them!

after one of the antidepressants worked and the thoughts of suicide vanished, i was able to think so much clearer about my life and what I wanted to do with it.

I eventually decided to take a leap into a complete life changing decision I’d dreamed of all my adult life, since seeing my very first porn video at age 12.

i wanted to be in the girl’s place in that video so badly, I vowed to one day go into starring in gay porn.

three years and 6 weeks ago I did it! I quit my very successful and highly respected career as a Pulitzer Prize winning newspaper photojournalist and started appearing in amateur gay porn! And lots of it! In the 3 years since I’ve starred in over 200 gay porn videos that are located at over 100 porn sites worldwide. And the kicker is that I use my real and full name as my porn name, Stewart Bowman.

the move cost me my family,every friend I’ve ever had and my six figure career in the news business. With all that cost, you know what? I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

Had i not gotten a handle on the depression I could have never done something as extreme as my move out of the closet and right into porn, which shocked the hell out of everyone who knew me, which explains why they all completely removed me from their lives.

Declare war on your depression and everything else in your life will fall right into place.

i’ll be cheering for you my friend.
(I’ll understand if you’d prefer not to have a semi-pro gay porn slut as a friend, lol)

hang in there,
Stewart
Click to expand...
I'm glad to hear that things are working out for you in spite of some of the things you had to give up to get there. (y)
 
Stewart said:
First let’s make this vitally important commitment: No matter what happens, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF!!
I say that as a person who has tried to commit suicide twice, and came very close to death the second time.
Here’s why you must stay alive. I know exactly how you feel, i know the intense pain that engulfs your entire existance. I suffered through that for almost 20 years then i found help and you can too and once the burden is lifted off your back you wont believe how incredible life is! And you’ll be so thankful that you are alive!

i suspect you have a couple of things going on. One is your love of animals which is perfectly ok and normal for so many people myself included.

Second, I’m almost certain you’re battling depression that makes your entire life feel like hell all the time. I’ve been there.

Before you can fully appreciate your animal attractions you’ve got to get the depression under control. There are several things to do to help.
Let me ask, how did you feel immediately after those long bike rides to and from the stables? Other than exhausted, I’ll bet you felt pretty good about life in general didn’t you?

Exercise causes our brains to produce more endorphins which are the chemicals that make us happy. So, when you’re feeling especially down, go for a bike ride or a brisk walk to get those happy chemicals flowing up there.

You really also need to find a doctor to help by letting you try antidepressants and once you find the one that works with your personal brain chemistry, man, you’ll want to live forever! Once you taste how good life is once you get those chemicals in the brain hitting on most cylinders you are going to find everything in your life so much easier to understand and to prioritize.

i did it. It took trial and error a few times trying different antidepressants from my shrink but one finally worked and I’ve never been happier in my life.

Regarding your love of animals, when you see a psychiatrist they will talk with you about the things in your life that are bothering you. I’m not sure that I would mention your physical attraction to animals because it is almost a certainty that the doc will not understand it in the slightest.

in my case, I kept my bisexuality hidden from my doctors because i couldnt bring myself to tell anyone that I’m sexually attracted to both women and men. So my strong desires to suck horse and dog cocks was not about to even come close to being mentioned to them!

after one of the antidepressants worked and the thoughts of suicide vanished, i was able to think so much clearer about my life and what I wanted to do with it.

I eventually decided to take a leap into a complete life changing decision I’d dreamed of all my adult life, since seeing my very first porn video at age 12.

i wanted to be in the girl’s place in that video so badly, I vowed to one day go into starring in gay porn.

three years and 6 weeks ago I did it! I quit my very successful and highly respected career as a Pulitzer Prize winning newspaper photojournalist and started appearing in amateur gay porn! And lots of it! In the 3 years since I’ve starred in over 200 gay porn videos that are located at over 100 porn sites worldwide. And the kicker is that I use my real and full name as my porn name, Stewart Bowman.

the move cost me my family,every friend I’ve ever had and my six figure career in the news business. With all that cost, you know what? I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

Had i not gotten a handle on the depression I could have never done something as extreme as my move out of the closet and right into porn, which shocked the hell out of everyone who knew me, which explains why they all completely removed me from their lives.

Declare war on your depression and everything else in your life will fall right into place.

i’ll be cheering for you my friend.
(I’ll understand if you’d prefer not to have a semi-pro gay porn slut as a friend, lol)

hang in there,
Stewart
Click to expand...
This post took me aback when I first read it, but I read it again and I really appreciate it.

I am so hesitant about antidepressants, though. My family has had a long history of mental health and drug problems, so I'm really wary of taking any sort. I almost did once, but the pills weren't vegan and that was enough to make me abandon the idea.
I've tried CBD oil. That stuff was pretty alright, but it cost way too much, especially when I can get medication for free in my country.

Of course I don't mind having a gay porn slut as a friend, that's cool :p

Thanks for your kind words
 
@Llandefie
wenn du in einen Tierheim arbeiten willst brauchst du nicht wirklich eine Qualifikation. nur ein guten draht viel Geduld um eine Beziehung zu den Tieren aufzubauen. alles andere kommt mit der Zeit alleine. glaube mir da spräche ich aus 10 Jahre Erfahrung im Umgang mit Hunden in einen Tierheim. und du musst zeigen das du zuverlässig bist Einsatzbereitschaft zeigst dann bekommst du sicherlich auch mal die Möglichkeit als erster im Tierheim zu sein oder der Letzte der das Tierheim verlässt mit eignen Schlüssel. aber dies muss man sich erstmal Erarbeiten was auch 1-2 Jahre dauern kann. also hab ein wenig Geduld
 
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2014Heinz said:
@Llandefie
wenn du in einen Tierheim arbeiten willst brauchst du nicht wirklich eine Qualifikation. nur ein guten draht viel Geduld um eine Beziehung zu den Tieren aufzubauen. alles andere kommt mit der Zeit alleine. glaube mir da spräche ich aus 10 Jahre Erfahrung im Umgang mit Hunden in einen Tierheim. und du musst zeigen das du zuverlässig bist Einsatzbereitschaft zeigst dann bekommst du sicherlich auch mal die Möglichkeit als erster im Tierheim zu sein oder der Letzte der das Tierheim verlässt mit eignen Schlüssel. aber dies muss man sich erstmal Erarbeiten was auch 1-2 Jahre dauern kann. also hab ein wenig Geduld
Click to expand...
It's alright, that's something for the future. I've got a lot more plans and I've managed to be with a few horses who I can see more than once. Thanks for the encouragement though, I hope that one day I can work at a shelter instead of some city job.
 
Your post really hit home. I've been in human relationships, and as much as I've fantasized and worked ranch jobs I've never had access to be with another species. With humans it always ends the same way, trying to settle and not having what you really want. Funny, someone can force animals to "rape" each other so that kids can have a puppy for xmas or someone can drink a glass of milk and no one bats an eye. Want to have a loving relationship and you're a pervert.
 
BitchLover said:
Coming to terms with it can be hard. I finally accepted to just be exclusive with bitches after women failed me in my life over and over and over again. Some men find zoo easily, some must go through heartache with women before they find acceptance and love in zoo.

Mental illness seems to be common in us and I fully believe it's because men are denied what it feels to know true love, and not allowing us to have fulfillment in relationships with female animals. I'm deeply sorry you had to experience it so terribly, to where you wanted to die. That's fucking awful, but luckily you pushed through it and you've finally got to get help here with fellow zoos. Don't give up, redemption in love is closer than you think. You'll find that animal girlfriend one day, maybe you'll even marry her! Life is too short to stay miserable, the first step after accepting you like animals is dropping humans and dropping women. Them work on yourself and repair yourself so you'll be mentally and physically confident and capable of having your bitchy or marey girlfriend to date and love.
Click to expand...

You failed out with women in your life and your last resort was to be with dogs. That is such a piss poor pathetic excuse to be a zoosexual. Have some respect.
 
hrsLover said:
Your post really hit home. I've been in human relationships, and as much as I've fantasized and worked ranch jobs I've never had access to be with another species. With humans it always ends the same way, trying to settle and not having what you really want. Funny, someone can force animals to "rape" each other so that kids can have a puppy for xmas or someone can drink a glass of milk and no one bats an eye. Want to have a loving relationship and you're a pervert.
Click to expand...
Oh boy, do *not* get me started on breeding. That systematic rape is absolutely heinous. Thinking about that can literally send me into a deep suicidal depression for a few days, it is just horrible and the dismissive attitudes towards it just makes it even worse.
There is absolutely *nothing* more perverse than forcing other animals to rape each other for your benefit, or raping them yourselves. The coldness of it... how they induce pleasure for profit without ever considering it to be what it is... it's fucking sickening.
 
I went through, and still am in some ways, a very similar self discovery process with a different taboo sexuality that isn't always welcomed to say and is against the rules to mention in majority of places in society.

I still sometimes feel suicidal about it, depressed that I'm wired how I am, and often feel like a rotten human being.
 
Tgzoogirl said:
I went through, and still am in some ways, a very similar self discovery process with a different taboo sexuality that isn't always welcomed to say and is against the rules to mention in majority of places in society.

I still sometimes feel suicidal about it, depressed that I'm wired how I am, and often feel like a rotten human being.
Click to expand...
You talking about being trans? Yeah, I'm going through that too.
It's such a double-whammy of deviation from societal norms.
 
Llandefie said:
You talking about being trans? Yeah, I'm going through that too.
It's such a double-whammy of deviation from societal norms.
Click to expand...
Trans is part of it too yeah but not the only thing.

One thing I've learned in life is that the more unique of an individual we are that differentiates us from 'common societal normalcy', the more difficult living here can be.

Which does show one major thing about the overall neurology of 'normal' people... They are neurologically predisposed for Conformity, not Individuality.
 
Tgzoogirl said:
Trans is part of it too yeah but not the only thing.

One thing I've learned in life is that the more unique of an individual we are that differentiates us from 'common societal normalcy', the more difficult living here can be.

Which does show one major thing about the overall neurology of 'normal' people... They are neurologically predisposed for Conformity, not Individuality.
Click to expand...
I wouldn't advice creating a division like that. Everyone has their own reasons for being who they are. Sometimes things that work for most people work for an individual, too. The more you talk to people, the more you find that each person is unique, and any perceived "normalcy" is a façade that we all put on to fit in with society.

Sure, not everyone wants to fuck dogs, but everyone is unique in their own ways. And often I find that everyone has the capacity to be any sort of person, but they just be whatever feels most comfortable for them in their environment.
 
And this is why we not only need gay education at school but also zoosexual education. So many things can go wrong when a human is not educated about their sexual orientation.

And yea, accepting your orientation is the only way to not suffer any more, this is what a GOOD psychologist would tell you. And this is what we tell other zoos, that they have nothing to be ashamed off.
 
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Llandefie said:
I wouldn't advice creating a division like that. Everyone has their own reasons for being who they are. Sometimes things that work for most people work for an individual, too. The more you talk to people, the more you find that each person is unique, and any perceived "normalcy" is a façade that we all put on to fit in with society.

Sure, not everyone wants to fuck dogs, but everyone is unique in their own ways. And often I find that everyone has the capacity to be any sort of person, but they just be whatever feels most comfortable for them in their environment.
Click to expand...

It's not me creating a division. It's neurobiology. There is a neurological reason that most humans are the way they are. Just observe this society.

Most humans are socially obsessed people. They care more about fitting into a group, having strong identification with a social hierarchy/group/organization, they are very tribal, and they have a very strong "Me vs You" or "Us vs Them" mentality. This is common amongst most humans.

Most people today feel the need to identify with some kind of group they can be part of. They also have strong self identification with that group. And because of this, it's very easy for them to hate what is different than them. Just look at religion and politics. How many people have you seen change their opinion about a different person once they find out something different about another person?

I can tell you that I've been harassed, judged, bullied, discriminated against for many things but nothing so quickly by people than when they find out that I'm either trans or autistic. Both of those things signal to most humans that I Am different than them, and the survival based neurology in most people fears what is different. It is part of their base code to ostracize what is socially perceived to be different.

Then there is their obsessions with social things like social media.

You can look at thousands of years of history. Every war is started because one people looks at another, she's something weird or different than them, and that's enough justification to commit to the wars and atrocities that they do.

All the bullying that happens at school committed by kids against other kids they see as different is part of that neurological programming.

Its a very survival based, socialization based programming.

Sure when you take the individual from the group you will see that there is more to them that makes them unique, but you get them in their self identified group and that becomes more important to them.

Then there are people like me, neurodiverse, autistic, who are driven more by being individualistic. Our neurobiological programming is very different than neurotypical people. So different we are that psychology and other autism research attempts have failed to understand us for over 60 years because the neurotypical people trying to do the research can't see that their own neurological biases are getting in the way.
 
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