I've been repressing my sexuality for years and it's ruining my life

L

Llandefie

Guest
I wish I had some discussion or questions to ask that were more positive or something, but honestly I've been desperate to talk to other zoos for a long time and I just need to try and get stuff off my chest.

I realized I was zoo when I was seventeen, and I didn't understand the gravity of it at the time, but it's slowly been tearing my life apart. I feel like neverending, quiet, invisible explosion, and I completely failed the last year of high school even though I was a top student at everything until then. I've been riddled with so much shame and self-hatred that I've isolated, humiliated and harmed myself, along with doing horrible things to myself out of sexual frustration, and causing huge rifts in my friendships until I started fully hiding everything about myself.
I tried some things to get near the animals who interested me, dog sitting, horse riding, even working at that riding school, always putting myself through huge struggle and pain just to spend a few hours around them. The riding school I went to was eighteen kilometres away, I went there at eight and left at five every day for two weeks, and all I had was a bike. It didn't matter to me though, because all of it seemed worthwhile just for that time around them. Yet I never got to be alone, never got to feel safe, and lately I haven't had any way of being around horses at all. No matter how many friendly people I hang out with at college, I always feel lonely and terrified of anyone's company, and usually come home at the end of the day to quietly cry and scream until I finally manage to sleep. I wanted to be alone, so I left my parents and moved back to my home country on the other side of the world from them, but I've ended up with housemates who I can't stand living with but am absolutely stuck with.

I'm sure none of you want to hear my sob story, but I come dangerously close to killing myself at least once a week, and this shame, guilt and loneliness is crippling my ability to achieve anything in life. For whatever reason I was afraid of reaching out to other zoos, too, but somehow I finally found the strength to do it.

I do love what I'm reading hear though. If I can get through this, I really want to become an active part of this community and contribute to efforts to normalize our sexuality. A lot of the ideas here are ones I had thought of too, but had no one to discuss them with and certainly no one to agree with me on them.

I dunno, just, thanks for reading if you got this far.
 
You are not alone. I and a significant number of others have struggled with much the same issues of self loathing and the same thoughts of self harm.
First off, if you aren't harming anyone or trying to harm anyone, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Perhaps you've made a number of mistakes in the past, so have we all. No human being can grow up without making mistakes, it's a significant part of how we learn. What matters is what you intend to do today and tomorrow. If you hold no malice for others, there's no good reason for anyone else to despise you; if they do, that is their problem, leave it with them.

As for the self-loathing, we are our own worst critics. We know about every thought and action and we tend to judge ourselves harshly due to that unfair insider knowledge; if we knew anyone else so well our opinion of ourselves would rise suddenly. A good friend accepts your mistakes and encourages you to do better, be a friend to yourself, forgive all of your faults and sincerely try to be a better person tomorrow. Mistakes happen, if you find you've done something wrong, try to make amends and make note not to repeat the error.

This big rock will keep whirling in space long after we're all dead and forgotten, don't waste your precious and short time here wallowing in misery and regret. This community will help if you ask, but the real work is as always, up to you.
 
There is nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to animals. Humans ARE a kind of animal after all. And interspecies sex is not wrong, even when a human is part of it. Humans do far worse things to animals all the time (like killing them in slaughterhouses). You should accept your zoo feelings, embrace them, and be proud of them. Having an intimate bond with another animal can enrich one's life.
 
I wish I had more to say, but the response by @egoldstein is simply perfect.

I've been though similar self doubt and loathing through my journey as a zoo, a lot of us have. This place is great to have, knowing you aren't alone and having a community is a very healthy thing for someone in your position.

Stay here and chat, and make some friends. It won't cure your internal issues, but it will definitely help.
 
It's a long, painful journey to self-acceptance for the zoophile-at least it was for me. Take it from this aging lifelong zoo who's been through similar territory as you have (indeed I used to ride a bike 22 miles round trip to work a low-paying job as a ranch hand at a pony farm in order to be near the equine objects of my desire when I was 21). I had some amazing experiences, such as having the honor of being the first human a newborn foal saw and touched and also my first taste of mare pussy (just to be clear an adult mare). Eventually I had to quit because it wasn't paying the bills, and I was taking excessive risks I was sure would lead to me getting caught.

It wasn't until about 20 years later when I was finally able to fulfill my dream and consummate my relationship with my first marefriend, whom has been the love of my life. It wasn't until I met and fell in love and began having regular (and mindblowing) sex with her that I fully accepted my sexuality. But before that, I tried denying it by any means possible, including telling myself it was just a phase that would pass when I fell in love with a woman (not true), and trying to pray the "beast" away by becoming "born again". Again, not successful. You just have to learn to accept it, even embrace it.

It's not a curse, it's a blessing. In spite of it being so taboo, I feel it's awesome to be sexually (and emotionally) attracted to beings outside your species. I've always felt like a sexual Dr Doolittle.

Keep hope (and yourself) alive as life will get better. Do not be ashamed of your sexuality, even though you must hide it from most of society. You can be "normal" and well-adjusted and a zoophile as well if you learn to be discreet about it. No one who you don't want to know needs to know about it.

Never give up, I'm a firm believer that if you want something bad enough you will find a way to get it.
 
mammalsexual said:
It's not a curse, it's a blessing. In spite of it being so taboo, I feel it's awesome to be sexually (and emotionally) attracted to beings outside your species. I've always felt like a sexual Dr Doolittle.
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Oh yes, I often feel that way too, even if I haven't actually done it yet. I actually didn't really think I was gay until geldings started approaching me and fussing over me way more than any mare would. I don't know how, it's seems as if they're just able to sense it. Well, I guess that means they're the Dr. Doolittle in this situation, I'm the helpless little animal they need to comfort :p
 
Llandefie said:
Oh yes, I often feel that way too, even if I haven't actually done it yet. I actually didn't really think I was gay until geldings started approaching me and fussing over me way more than any mare would. I don't know how, it's seems as if they're just able to sense it.
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I have a secret...You can be straight with humans and bi with animals...?...I wrestled with this fact of my sexuality for many years as well.

Not every animal is open to sex with humans, but it seems more common than humans that are open to sex with animals. It's also been my experience that just that there are zoophile humans, there are also "humanphile" animals (that is animals that enjoy, even perhaps to prefer, sex with humans...?
 
mammalsexual said:
I have a secret...You can be straight with humans and bi with animals...?...I wrestled with this fact of my sexuality for many years as well.

Not every animal is open to sex with humans, but it seems more common than humans that are open to sex with animals. It's also been my experience that just that there are zoophile humans, there are also "humanphile" animals (that is animals that enjoy, even perhaps to prefer, sex with humans...?
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I have a secret - my mare is bi with horses, and gay with humans. She will tolerate men, love women, and throw off for geldings. I mean "fuck me now before it's too late" throwing off. But if I get near that pussy, she gives me the "do you really think so?" look.
 
I've been bad to the original poster. This was never my intent, but I let it get out of hand. I leave the posts to admonish myself and other what is and not acceptable on this forum. The mods and admins are free to do as they will, I will accept any reprimand.

I was drunk and should not have been posting in the first place.
 
Ive been in that boat. Its hard to not dispare, but you can get through to the other side. I denied my zooness all through my 20s and into my 30s. It didnt go away. Married a great woman, and am still married... It didnt go away. Ive accepted that im attracted to non human animals. My journey took 40 years to accept... but you can.

It seems like a curse, but if you embrase it, its really a blessing. You learn things about our fellow creatures that few get to... and i dont just mean sex things.
 
ferritlove said:
You learn things about our fellow creatures that few get to... and i dont just mean sex things.
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Mm, yeah, I'm already feeling that. I couldn't bear to eat them anymore since I started to accept my sexuality. I've just started seeing so much more in their eyes and their expression than I ever used to, and getting to understand their personality on so much more of a deeper level. I'm sure there's still lots to learn, though.
 
LOL thank you, but what would be the pleasure?
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IDK, I was just being facetious...:)

I've been bad to the original poster. This was never my intent, but I let it get out of hand. I leave the posts to admonish myself and other what is and not acceptable on this forum. The mods and admins are free to do as they will, I will accept any reprimand.

I was drunk and should not have been posting in the first place.
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No harm, no foul
 
Painted Pony said:
I've been bad to the original poster. This was never my intent, but I let it get out of hand. I leave the posts to admonish myself and other what is and not acceptable on this forum. The mods and admins are free to do as they will, I will accept any reprimand.

I was drunk and should not have been posting in the first place.
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Wait, what happened here? Everything you've said has seemed fine to me, even nice.
 
I've been there too, not knowing how to deal with those feelings, feeling horrible. And yes, it's been said before: we can be our own worst critics. However, when you look at what you do to just spend some time with the horses, you know for you it's not just about the sex, but about something much more profound. And that's where you're not alone on this forum.
 
I lo
Llandefie said:
I wish I had some discussion or questions to ask that were more positive or something, but honestly I've been desperate to talk to other zoos for a long time and I just need to try and get stuff off my chest.

I realized I was zoo when I was seventeen, and I didn't understand the gravity of it at the time, but it's slowly been tearing my life apart. I feel like neverending, quiet, invisible explosion, and I completely failed the last year of high school even though I was a top student at everything until then. I've been riddled with so much shame and self-hatred that I've isolated, humiliated and harmed myself, along with doing horrible things to myself out of sexual frustration, and causing huge rifts in my friendships until I started fully hiding everything about myself.
I tried some things to get near the animals who interested me, dog sitting, horse riding, even working at that riding school, always putting myself through huge struggle and pain just to spend a few hours around them. The riding school I went to was eighteen kilometres away, I went there at eight and left at five every day for two weeks, and all I had was a bike. It didn't matter to me though, because all of it seemed worthwhile just for that time around them. Yet I never got to be alone, never got to feel safe, and lately I haven't had any way of being around horses at all. No matter how many friendly people I hang out with at college, I always feel lonely and terrified of anyone's company, and usually come home at the end of the day to quietly cry and scream until I finally manage to sleep. I wanted to be alone, so I left my parents and moved back to my home country on the other side of the world from them, but I've ended up with housemates who I can't stand living with but am absolutely stuck with.

I'm sure none of you want to hear my sob story, but I come dangerously close to killing myself at least once a week, and this shame, guilt and loneliness is crippling my ability to achieve anything in life. For whatever reason I was afraid of reaching out to other zoos, too, but somehow I finally found the strength to do it.

I do love what I'm reading hear though. If I can get through this, I really want to become an active part of this community and contribute to efforts to normalize our sexuality. A lot of the ideas here are ones I had thought of too, but had no one to discuss them with and certainly no one to agree with me on them.

I dunno, just, thanks for reading if you got this far.
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i love being in the beast community and for a year now I have supported other men and women alike coming to terms with having such fetishes! Feel free to message me!
 
Aphroditedreams said:
I love being in the beast community and for a year now I have supported other men and women alike coming to terms with having such fetishes! Feel free to message me!
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Honestly, I personally prefer not to consider it a fetish and more of a sexuality. I could never see myself with any human, they just do not seem attractive to me.
Like, is not okay to call it "zoosexuality" instead? Calling it a "philia" lumps it in with necrophilia and pedophilia in my eyes. I just feel like it's a better image and makes it seem more valid.
I got the idea from a couple people who called it that back on Beastforum, and it just really stuck even though I wasn't going on that website much at all.
 
Coming to terms with it can be hard. I finally accepted to just be exclusive with bitches after women failed me in my life over and over and over again. Some men find zoo easily, some must go through heartache with women before they find acceptance and love in zoo.

Mental illness seems to be common in us and I fully believe it's because men are denied what it feels to know true love, and not allowing us to have fulfillment in relationships with female animals. I'm deeply sorry you had to experience it so terribly, to where you wanted to die. That's fucking awful, but luckily you pushed through it and you've finally got to get help here with fellow zoos. Don't give up, redemption in love is closer than you think. You'll find that animal girlfriend one day, maybe you'll even marry her! Life is too short to stay miserable, the first step after accepting you like animals is dropping humans and dropping women. Them work on yourself and repair yourself so you'll be mentally and physically confident and capable of having your bitchy or marey girlfriend to date and love.
 
BitchLover said:
Coming to terms with it can be hard. I finally accepted to just be exclusive with bitches after women failed me in my life over and over and over again. Some men find zoo easily, some must go through heartache with women before they find acceptance and love in zoo.

Mental illness seems to be common in us and I fully believe it's because men are denied what it feels to know true love, and not allowing us to have fulfillment in relationships with female animals. I'm deeply sorry you had to experience it so terribly, to where you wanted to die. That's fucking awful, but luckily you pushed through it and you've finally got to get help here with fellow zoos. Don't give up, redemption in love is closer than you think. You'll find that animal girlfriend one day, maybe you'll even marry her! Life is too short to stay miserable, the first step after accepting you like animals is dropping humans and dropping women. Them work on yourself and repair yourself so you'll be mentally and physically confident and capable of having your bitchy or marey girlfriend to date and love.
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I appreciate it. I'm not into females though, human or otherwise.
I never actually went for humans at all, I knew early on that I wasn't into them, and that allowing myself to get interested will only lead to disaster.
I know the common path for most zoos is to go for humans and realise you're not into them after decades of trying, but I think thanks to the furry community and the actual zoo communities, I was able to quickly grasp my own sexuality and not get into any situations with humans that lead to frustration and heartbreak.
 
I do not know what you should be, but people must be attracted to the same sex and not be.
Homosexuality and zoophilia are part of the nature of things, much more to the contrary, but what do they know? nothing exactly.
The human being has encountered a moral code that his opinions, at least the leader as he was with the religions and laws of a country.
The only choice to make your sexuality is to keep for yourself in your surroundings.
For the zoophilia community, on the contrary keep in touch, talk about your experience, help to better know those who have discovered their sexuality, inform, transmit respect to our animals.

I have never slept with an animal, but I keep a great attraction and I am for my part.
I'm proud of it and nothing in the world.
 
Llandefie said:
Honestly, I personally prefer not to consider it a fetish and more of a sexuality. I could never see myself with any human, they just do not seem attractive to me.
Like, is not okay to call it "zoosexuality" instead? Calling it a "philia" lumps it in with necrophilia and pedophilia in my eyes. I just feel like it's a better image and makes it seem more valid.
I got the idea from a couple people who called it that back on Beastforum, and it just really stuck even though I wasn't going on that website much at all.
Click to expand...

We made a official dictionary for zoo terms because of the un-standardized nature of the descriptions for them. Orientation and preference are a spectrum in which it is difficult to categorize people into and in the end, what the person decides to call themselves is what matters.

I can say for sure that we all care and love you as a fellow zoo. I have sympathy for you and anyone else who has been through this.
 
ZTHorse said:
We made a official dictionary for zoo terms because of the un-standardized nature of the descriptions for them. Orientation and preference are a spectrum in which it is difficult to categorize people into and in the end, what the person decides to call themselves is what matters.

I can say for sure that we all care and love you as a fellow zoo. I have sympathy for you and anyone else who has been through this.
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Where's this dictionary? I'd really like to read it.

Thanks so much for your sympathy, though. It's really great to talk to other zoos at last.
 
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