hi everyone
its a bit of a long and strange story how i got here and some hard realizations since. please dont read if your sensitive to this subject matter, but talking about this stuff on discord has actually helped me regain control of my life again and this seems to be the next sensible step. i met my dog Biscuit last year, which ill get into more detail later, and so far we've been enjoying a new life together but there's a LOT i dont know and i kinda want somewhere safe to ask questions or just... appreciate the community i guess?
so... just gonna say it. but a couple years back i was
in the shower room by this guy i knew that was always making off-color jokes and stuff. i was sent home, went through a bunch of therapy which i hardly remember and went through a really dark time in my life. i wasnt able to recover and was medically discharged from the military. i had no plans, no home to go to, and lived out of my truck pretty much since then. i couldnt be anywhere with a male in the room. i couldnt go grocery shopping without having a panic attack as soon as a guy walked in, couldnt go to my doctors or therapy waiting rooms if there was a male, and i basically did all my chores and errands at night to be alone and avoid people. i worked a few job teleworking from my truck, but i hated being alive. i always hated being a "girl" and thought maybe i was a-gendered/asexual but this decimated me to the point where most days i didnt think life was worth living.
(this bit gets into some self harm, so please dont keep reading if this bothers you)
veterans day 2023 was the day i planned to end it. but... something unexpected happened instead. i didnt get sad, i got angry. really, really angry. i decided to stop being the discarded victim and take back control of my life, and others (i met a few others through group therapy and holy shit.... we need some fucking justice in this world). so i created an alt account (main one i use for work) and a discord server. DM me if you want an invite i guess, but the focus is actually helping those who VOLUNTARILY want to be castrated (lack of control, transgender, variety of reasons) do so without stupid medical process getting in the way (yes there's ways to DIY). why? because a LOT of people who end up hurting others with their dick actually already know it, they cant control themselves, cant get fixed, or do something minor but can't just go to the doctor to get neutered because they did a crime, so... what the fuck CAN they do? these are the people i want to help, and its a prevention thing, not a gore or fetish thing. and since then ive found im really helping people which is why im still around i guess.
this is getting way off topic.... sorry
anyway, i had a favorite restaurant in texas i used to go to who were nice. id get my meals to go and eat in the truck, but i noticed there was this lovely stray dog who came by every night for scraps. the restaurant even knew about him but nobody could really adopt him. but, he kinda kept me company. after a while i started looking after him, letting him sleep with me in my truck, and i named him Biscuit, (like biscuits and gravy, my favorite meal, lol). he's intact and got some behavioral issues, but really he's the sweetest dog i know and SUPER-cuddly after he gets to know you. he really kinda protected me and as cheesy as it is, i legit fell in love with him. this is when i started realizing maybe i can never be with a human partner again, but... with Biscuit - maybe???
but, this woke up the parts of me that hated myself. (more self-harm content coming up). i couldnt accept i was a zoophile. i sometimes touched him and his testicles because tbh i never really felt testicles before, and i was kinda curious especially since i was starting this pro-castration community. but, i guess it was the law and society telling me how wrong, how gross, how mentally fucked up i am. i somehow convinced myself i was no better than the people i was looking to castrate, that i was the pervert, that i needed to be "fixed" the same way i planned on fixing them.
my second hospitalization:
. my goal was to do so much damage that they would give me a hysterectomy and take my ovaries so i wouldnt have such urges again. well, spoiler altert: it didn't work. fuck me. they actually just let it clear up, and now my periods are so much more painful and i got more self-harm record. this is ontop of
. they determined the risk of surgery wasnt bigger than the risk of letting me keep it, so i was released again....
it too me a while to find Biscuit again, but he did eventually come back and i was so grateful. i was at a point where i didnt really care about legalities and a few months later i was drunk and we were messing around and i dont know... i let him mount me.
BAD IDEA!!!
my vagina isn't really a normal vagina anymore because of the things ive done. it hurt, then it hurt more, then OH MY FUCKING GOD. i was about to grab the knife but coudlnt do that to him and thankfully i just passed out.
when i came to i was bleeding all over the place, i thought it was Biscuit at first but he was fine, but it was me. i rushed to the er. he tore my vagina and i needed stitched. i wasnt exactly lucid, but they found semen and did another rape kit. long story short i wanted out asap but the nurse gave me some resources before i disappeared, because i know if they tested the sperm they would see its not human and id be the one (maybe rightfully) going to prison.
it wasnt biscuits fault. it was mine. but he still needed someone to look after him. and i still loved him and he loved me.
one of the resources given to me were several womens retreats. not like im a women, but i am AFAB so i guess i qualify and thankfully one of them was ok with me bringing Biscuit.
its been a few month now, and im still trying to accept things. i generally run away from the retreat and they cant legally stop me even though they hate it, we're supposed to be in secret to protect everyone there, but my life is a wreck. and really, i think i just want to know genital anatomy better for a variety of reasons, including human and animal, and the animal side is just so i can look after Biscuit better. i even started a 2nd Discord server about animal mating/breeding, which isn't a fetish/sexual thing but more a science thing i guess. or maybe thats just what i tell myself, and in reality i probably am a zoophile.
....so hi. thanks for reading. what should i do next?
its a bit of a long and strange story how i got here and some hard realizations since. please dont read if your sensitive to this subject matter, but talking about this stuff on discord has actually helped me regain control of my life again and this seems to be the next sensible step. i met my dog Biscuit last year, which ill get into more detail later, and so far we've been enjoying a new life together but there's a LOT i dont know and i kinda want somewhere safe to ask questions or just... appreciate the community i guess?
so... just gonna say it. but a couple years back i was
raped
(this bit gets into some self harm, so please dont keep reading if this bothers you)
veterans day 2023 was the day i planned to end it. but... something unexpected happened instead. i didnt get sad, i got angry. really, really angry. i decided to stop being the discarded victim and take back control of my life, and others (i met a few others through group therapy and holy shit.... we need some fucking justice in this world). so i created an alt account (main one i use for work) and a discord server. DM me if you want an invite i guess, but the focus is actually helping those who VOLUNTARILY want to be castrated (lack of control, transgender, variety of reasons) do so without stupid medical process getting in the way (yes there's ways to DIY). why? because a LOT of people who end up hurting others with their dick actually already know it, they cant control themselves, cant get fixed, or do something minor but can't just go to the doctor to get neutered because they did a crime, so... what the fuck CAN they do? these are the people i want to help, and its a prevention thing, not a gore or fetish thing. and since then ive found im really helping people which is why im still around i guess.
this is getting way off topic.... sorry
anyway, i had a favorite restaurant in texas i used to go to who were nice. id get my meals to go and eat in the truck, but i noticed there was this lovely stray dog who came by every night for scraps. the restaurant even knew about him but nobody could really adopt him. but, he kinda kept me company. after a while i started looking after him, letting him sleep with me in my truck, and i named him Biscuit, (like biscuits and gravy, my favorite meal, lol). he's intact and got some behavioral issues, but really he's the sweetest dog i know and SUPER-cuddly after he gets to know you. he really kinda protected me and as cheesy as it is, i legit fell in love with him. this is when i started realizing maybe i can never be with a human partner again, but... with Biscuit - maybe???
but, this woke up the parts of me that hated myself. (more self-harm content coming up). i couldnt accept i was a zoophile. i sometimes touched him and his testicles because tbh i never really felt testicles before, and i was kinda curious especially since i was starting this pro-castration community. but, i guess it was the law and society telling me how wrong, how gross, how mentally fucked up i am. i somehow convinced myself i was no better than the people i was looking to castrate, that i was the pervert, that i needed to be "fixed" the same way i planned on fixing them.
my second hospitalization:
i injected hydrogen peroxide into my uterus via a long sryinge i was able to feel poke through my cervix
doing things like injecting scalding water into my vagina to purify/destroy it
it too me a while to find Biscuit again, but he did eventually come back and i was so grateful. i was at a point where i didnt really care about legalities and a few months later i was drunk and we were messing around and i dont know... i let him mount me.
BAD IDEA!!!
my vagina isn't really a normal vagina anymore because of the things ive done. it hurt, then it hurt more, then OH MY FUCKING GOD. i was about to grab the knife but coudlnt do that to him and thankfully i just passed out.
when i came to i was bleeding all over the place, i thought it was Biscuit at first but he was fine, but it was me. i rushed to the er. he tore my vagina and i needed stitched. i wasnt exactly lucid, but they found semen and did another rape kit. long story short i wanted out asap but the nurse gave me some resources before i disappeared, because i know if they tested the sperm they would see its not human and id be the one (maybe rightfully) going to prison.
it wasnt biscuits fault. it was mine. but he still needed someone to look after him. and i still loved him and he loved me.
one of the resources given to me were several womens retreats. not like im a women, but i am AFAB so i guess i qualify and thankfully one of them was ok with me bringing Biscuit.
its been a few month now, and im still trying to accept things. i generally run away from the retreat and they cant legally stop me even though they hate it, we're supposed to be in secret to protect everyone there, but my life is a wreck. and really, i think i just want to know genital anatomy better for a variety of reasons, including human and animal, and the animal side is just so i can look after Biscuit better. i even started a 2nd Discord server about animal mating/breeding, which isn't a fetish/sexual thing but more a science thing i guess. or maybe thats just what i tell myself, and in reality i probably am a zoophile.
....so hi. thanks for reading. what should i do next?