So I've been physically active in the past.. and for as long as I can remember zoo has been my goto viewing and thoughts.
as a lot of us know sometimes it makes you feel very very trapped and is why a lot of us come here.
Well I cracked.. I broke down.. I just couldn't do it anymore.. and well be stupid I told her. The look she gave me... to me it said it all... that's it its over...
I left the house soon after... scared to death and feeling even more alone than I did before.
I posted here and that's where I was at... in honesty I wanted to end myself
She called me.. asked me to come home. Now I did trust her with my life and I'd trust her with my secret so I went back....
The first thing she said to me was "I'll never judge you"
Still I couldn't see how she wouldn't...
She asked me questions.. she wanted details.. she told me I owed her that.. and she was right! I mean we built a life together over the top of something big!
It was hard... very hard to speak openly and truthfully about it to her... its not like on here.. she knows me! She is right here with me! However I did... I was as honest as one could be..
... and she accepted it... gobsmacked is not the word! She said it doesn't change how she sees me at all.. and then came.. "I watched a few clips after you left, and it honestly made me tingle..." ... I thought she was joking or I simply could not take it in... she admitted she had watched it a little in the past... first time before I met her and once or twice with curiosity since being together.
She said she never had any intentions or thoughts about doing it but at the same time it was so wrong it was very tantalising... so wrong it's right in a fucked up sense.
So here we are.. here I am... I still don't know where to put myself tbh with you all.. I'm just so uncomfortable in my skin atm.. I've driven a wedge in as protection I think.. distanced myself emotionally from her. I do feel ashamed. I'm still scared! It's all so very new... I've been locked away in myself for so long and now someone else is there... with me.. and I dont know how to feel.
So yes I am zoo and she knows it.. she is not zoo but gets kinked. And she still loves me for me... I've always known she is amazing hence I've been with her for 14 years... but she never ceases to amaze me.. what an incredible human being!
you'd think it would be easy now to just get on again right? But it doesn't work like that.. this is no fairy tale.
I hope I become OK with myself and with her knowing... in time I think I will but I feel as if its going to be a long road of acceptance for myself.
