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What have I done?!

Well jayuk. Seems it all worked out in the end. In a fashion. Just don't go too deep. She may enjoy the media but not doing any actual zoo activities. If she suggests then start with toys ect. Just be careful. Humans are fickle creatures. They will say one thing all the while keeping the little details in the back of their mind, just in case. That's been my experience anyways.

Johnny.

Ps: glad you have both found common ground at least.
 
Daily update...

So I feel better today. Told fiancee how my head is with the whole urgh feeling I'm getting.

Again being the amazing human she is she understands and isn't surprised I'm feeling the way I do. Lots more reassurance and a deep chat into my thoughts.. then something that helped me which ill add at the end..


Where I'm at now : I feel OK.. a bit more accepting maybe and a bit more understood. I can look her in the eyes now and not feel URGH! I'm far from excellent but a damn sight further away from how I was feeling when this all happened! Honestly I was very close to leaving this world!! If she hadn't of called... well...

So after our chat she grabbed her phone and put a video on.. i was a bit awkward to say the least however she was not! She started telling me her thoughts as she watched it and what was getting her going : then said "if I was disgusted by you, then you would have every reason to be disgusted by me and are you?!" ... I did think that doesn't quite work with me being zoo anyway but I caught her flawed logic all the same. She really isn't at all :)

I remember when we met.. not long after being silly I had her name tattoo'd on my neck and everyone told me I was an idiot... was I though?! I found my perfect person for sure! Even if she isn't quite zoo! Haha however I do see some fun times with videos in the future!


Why am I writing all this.. well... it helps! It really does help to let things out and I hope it helps others along in their journeys.

So to all you genuine people out there that may be suffering in your minds... my inbox is always open for you if you want to chat!

I don't think I need to add more as it can only possibly get better now... and sometimes things are a bit lame without drama haha!


All the best

So after our chat she grabbed her phone and put a video on.. i was a bit awkward to say the least however she was not! She started telling me her thoughts as she watched it and what was getting her going : then said "if I was disgusted by you, then you would have every reason to be disgusted by me and are you?!" ... I did think that doesn't quite work with me being zoo anyway but I caught her flawed logic all the same. She really isn't at all

Curious to know what she had on her phone she showed you
 
Long time everyone!

How's things, well... couldn't be better!!

She is definitely my one!!! Knew that anyway as I'd already asked her to marry me.. we didn't have a date however we have given notice now and are looking forward to making it lifelong official!

Where is this side of life?.... we'll let you figure that one out ;)

Jay
I'm happy that it has been getting better for you and I hope that it continues that way. I wish you both all the best with your future together!
 
So after our chat she grabbed her phone and put a video on.. i was a bit awkward to say the least however she was not! She started telling me her thoughts as she watched it and what was getting her going : then said "if I was disgusted by you, then you would have every reason to be disgusted by me and are you?!" ... I did think that doesn't quite work with me being zoo anyway but I caught her flawed logic all the same. She really isn't at all

Curious to know what she had on her phone she showed you
It was a video of Zaina and a k9 companion.
 
Well jayuk. Seems it all worked out in the end. In a fashion. Just don't go too deep. She may enjoy the media but not doing any actual zoo activities. If she suggests then start with toys ect. Just be careful. Humans are fickle creatures. They will say one thing all the while keeping the little details in the back of their mind, just in case. That's been my experience anyways.

Johnny.

Ps: glad you have both found common ground at least.
Oh she is very open to it!
 
Sometimes lessons are learnt the hard way.

Never be nieve enough to think anything is certain and things can change at any moment.
Brother I think you have a bit of a dream situation on your hands for sure! A wife who is accepting of all parts of you and loves you either way! Out of curiosity are you an owner?
 
Some parting advice from someone who has spent a life being too sure of things, too trusting of people and too trusting that things won't change in a moments notice....

Give your head a wobble!

It can go from almost perfect if not perfect to being cornered in an emotional and physical fight that you cannot mortally escape.

This is real life and when it goes wrong it can go so bad that you won't survive it.

Yours truly

A very lost scared lonely unsavable soul
 
So I've been physically active in the past.. and for as long as I can remember zoo has been my goto viewing and thoughts.

as a lot of us know sometimes it makes you feel very very trapped and is why a lot of us come here.

Well I cracked.. I broke down.. I just couldn't do it anymore.. and well be stupid I told her. The look she gave me... to me it said it all... that's it its over...

I left the house soon after... scared to death and feeling even more alone than I did before.

I posted here and that's where I was at... in honesty I wanted to end myself :(

She called me.. asked me to come home. Now I did trust her with my life and I'd trust her with my secret so I went back....

The first thing she said to me was "I'll never judge you"

Still I couldn't see how she wouldn't...

She asked me questions.. she wanted details.. she told me I owed her that.. and she was right! I mean we built a life together over the top of something big!

It was hard... very hard to speak openly and truthfully about it to her... its not like on here.. she knows me! She is right here with me! However I did... I was as honest as one could be..

... and she accepted it... gobsmacked is not the word! She said it doesn't change how she sees me at all.. and then came.. "I watched a few clips after you left, and it honestly made me tingle..." ... I thought she was joking or I simply could not take it in... she admitted she had watched it a little in the past... first time before I met her and once or twice with curiosity since being together.

She said she never had any intentions or thoughts about doing it but at the same time it was so wrong it was very tantalising... so wrong it's right in a fucked up sense.

So here we are.. here I am... I still don't know where to put myself tbh with you all.. I'm just so uncomfortable in my skin atm.. I've driven a wedge in as protection I think.. distanced myself emotionally from her. I do feel ashamed. I'm still scared! It's all so very new... I've been locked away in myself for so long and now someone else is there... with me.. and I dont know how to feel.

So yes I am zoo and she knows it.. she is not zoo but gets kinked. And she still loves me for me... I've always known she is amazing hence I've been with her for 14 years... but she never ceases to amaze me.. what an incredible human being!

you'd think it would be easy now to just get on again right? But it doesn't work like that.. this is no fairy tale.

I hope I become OK with myself and with her knowing... in time I think I will but I feel as if its going to be a long road of acceptance for myself.
Damn, I'm enthralled rn
 
I was gonna have all my threads removed but I'm cornered so it doesn't matter anyway.

Hopefully people take heed from my loss of hope and stay quiet! You can only truly trust yourself!
 
I was gonna have all my threads removed but I'm cornered so it doesn't matter anyway.

Hopefully people take heed from my loss of hope and stay quiet! You can only truly trust yourself!
Ah shit dosent sound too good for you mate hope you come out ok!
 
Here hoping things finally clear as much as can be.

We tend to think too much in the positivecas well as in the negative.
Sometimes things are not as dark as we see them in the monent. Let things go their way if you have no way around, and just... brace and ride the wave.
 
There is no hope of ever being OK.

I'm sure it will make UK news even if I'm not there to see it.

I was caught before... it was made public.

I trusted the wrong person!

I can't live through that all again!

6 19 am here. Took me until now to get everything in order.

I'm just listening to a few songs before I go, I just wanna remember some of the good times and remind myself I have no choice or escape.

I'm getting there

Give me a thought if you hear/read anything away from here.

I've given my last tear...

😞 😞 😞
 
There is no hope of ever being OK.

I'm sure it will make UK news even if I'm not there to see it.

I was caught before... it was made public.

I trusted the wrong person!

I can't live through that all again!

6 19 am here. Took me until now to get everything in order.

I'm just listening to a few songs before I go, I just wanna remember some of the good times and remind myself I have no choice or escape.

I'm getting there

Give me a thought if you hear/read anything away from here.

I've given my last tear...

😞 😞 😞
Brother I know it sounds generic but it’s true, you really are about to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem, there will be people who love you and do not want you to leave this dimension, please before you do anything rash think it all through properly, the situation is never as bad as it seems at first light and there is always a better solution
 
Brother I know it sounds generic but it’s true, you really are about to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem, there will be people who love you and do not want you to leave this dimension, please before you do anything rash think it all through properly, the situation is never as bad as it seems at first light and there is always a better solution
Honestly if I had a choice...

This is not temporary... police have been notified.

Thank you though!

This isn't a cry for help.

Just.... a last place I could be myself before I went.

Jay
 
I have been wrong before obviously... I see no way out anyway... I've tried my hardest... I'm outta time.
 
I have been wrong before obviously... I see no way out anyway... I've tried my hardest... I'm outta time.
Brother you’ve been wrong before and I genuinely believe this is another case, police being notified means fuck all unless they have evidence to back it up man, and even at the worst case scenario your looking at 5-10 years man, I promise to you that is not enough time to give up hope on the rest of your life, just think about the bigger picture and not the here and now, I genuinely hope you make the right choice here and clear your head instead of doing something stupid ❤️
 
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