Stereotype of a loner

I have pretty much been a loaner myself all these years. In my younger years I remember looking in dictionaries and encyclopedias for pictures of cows and horses growing up. I tried to hide the way I felt all the time around the parents. I tried to date a few girls in school, but I could never do it, as I was always too shy and afraid to do so. Plus I was a nerd, which was considered un cool back then.

The family dog was always really horny, and I'd play with him a little, every now and then, and he seemed to really enjoy it. My parents were pretty religious, so I had to be really careful, and I was always really super paranoid all the time about someone walking in on me or discovering that their son was "messed up". It nearly happened once, so I guess the closet was a bad place to be.

I really enjoyed the dairy judging contests more in a HS farmers learning group, looking at cows udders, and fantasizing over them, than I did thinking about dating girls. I grew up in an urban environment, so getting close to horses and cows was pretty much impossible for me. I was close to being a 40 year old virgin with women later on, but lost my virginity to a mare first, thanks to a good dear vet friend, then to a woman at a party afterwards a few years later. I remember the first time I touched a mares vulva, my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. Thought I was going to have a heart attack. My life hasn't really been the way I'd rather live it today. It's taken a long time, but I've started to accept my true feelings for animals over humans. I would like to find a piece of land some day soon, before I get old, lol, and enjoy the company of my own animals.

Mostly, I have major trust issues, and many humans I have known have compromised my trust in them. However, I know where I stand with dogs and horses at all times. Anyway, that's my two cents. I didn't mean to make this long winded. It's good to be here with friends. I always thought I was the only who felt about animals like this until the internet came along lol.

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Kristy said:
"don't see how any type of self-change would result in anything different in reality"
On the contrary, one can easily change what they think is their "reality" by making needed self-changes. Lots of parts of that so-called reality, hell yes, can be changed that way for the better. The reality parts you can't change?
They will then be much easier to deal with.

That said, this reality you think is reality? It isn't reality. It's something your brain has given to you so you'll be nice and comfy.
A corner of the brain does that. It's the same part of the brain which, when you're depressed, perceives that you need a rest, and causes you to be tired and sleepy so you'll take a nap and won't have to deal with the sad stuff. Seriously.

On the other hand, why am I wasting my time writing this? You couldn't care less about any of it.
Maybe someone else will benefit from it, because you decided long ago not to listen to things such as this.
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I don't understand... But if you want to believe that I am doing this just for attention, then I'll leave you alone... I tried to understand what you're saying, but it just doesn't make sense...
 
Pillar said:
I don't understand... But if you want to believe that I am doing this just for attention, then I'll leave you alone... I tried to understand what you're saying, but it just doesn't make sense...
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I don't think it is solely for attention. Not solely, but attention is a factor for you. That's partly why you keep replying to me on this public thread with "I don't understand." You actually do understand everything I'm saying. What you don't understand is why I've stopped enabling you and patting your hand, saying, "There there, Pillar...it's okay." That's why you put little sad faces on my posts in which I speak of tough lessons...those tough lessons are what you need. They would help you, but you hate the thought of them.
 
Kristy said:
I don't think it is solely for attention. Not solely, but attention is a factor for you. That's partly why you keep replying to me on this public thread with "I don't understand." You actually do understand everything I'm saying. What you don't understand is why I've stopped enabling you and patting your hand, saying, "There there, Pillar...it's okay." That's why you put little sad faces on my posts in which I speak of tough lessons...those tough lessons are what you need. They would help you, but you hate the thought of them.
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I am not trying to do this for attention, I truly don't get it. What you are saying to me sounds as mystical as magic. If it could change my external situation I would but I am not in control of whatever circumstances happen...
 
saddlebum66 said:
We all thought that advice was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick....apparently we were incorrect
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Pillar....you can be as 🙁as you like....but your wounds at this point are all self-inflicted. Every one that has any basis in reality, you've amplified beyond reason. Yes...you were dealt bad cards....at times. You breath, you have the use of your body, you have a brain.

"I wept, because I had no shoes....
Then I met a man who had NO FEET..."

Grow up. Get Some Help. You dont have to be a believer to see a pastor. Look up "Pastoral Counselling" in your neighborhood. It is Cheap. It can be effective and I'll bet they fight over who gets YOU.
 
saddlebum66 said:
Pillar....you can be as 🙁as you like....but your wounds at this point are all self-inflicted. Every one that has any basis in reality, you've amplified beyond reason. Yes...you were dealt bad cards....at times. You breath, you have the use of your body, you have a brain.

"I wept, because I had no shoes....
Then I met a man who had NO FEET..."

Grow up. Get Some Help. You dont have to be a believer to see a pastor. Look up "Pastoral Counselling" in your neighborhood. It is Cheap. It can be effective and I'll bet they fight over who gets YOU.
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After stating that I clearly do not control the circumstances of my life, you proceed to blame me for the things I do not control too... Of course, I don't expect anything less from you...
 
Pillar said:
I am not trying to do this for attention, I truly don't get it. What you are saying to me sounds as mystical as magic. If it could change my external situation I would but I am not in control of whatever circumstances happen...
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"I am not in control of whatever circumstances happen"
LOTS of life circumstances ARE controllable by you. Lots of them!
Have you lived your whole life with that mindset?
Not everything is within our control, but many things of both high and low importance are, and there is nothing magical about it. You need to start taking a closer look at the "hands you're being dealt," which are always different, and watch for circumstances you do NOT have to accept as you've always done.
 
Pillar said:
After stating that I clearly do not control the circumstances of my life, you proceed to blame me for the things I do not control too... Of course, I don't expect anything less from you...
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And you will get nothing more. If you do not control your own life, who did you give control TO? After the age of Adulthood what youre bitching about is Volitional. As a child you may have been" owned". As an adult.....theres no legal state of peonage in ANY of the Southwestern States, and no legal form of slavery in any if the Southern ones...and I tell you this.I was married to a progressively abusive bitch for 28 years. In addition to being that, She was also ADD. She still cannot fathom that she was remotely at fault for anything. I, on the other hand, was the fool that loved her. If thats your situation, get out. If youre taking care of an aging parent, get out....you can do that from your own place. But whatever the problem is....handle it. It isnt going to handle itself. If you keep up the nonsense, it WILL kill you. Youve been given GOOD and Caring advice....take it....pick the parts you like or can start with. But quit whining.
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You have some good friends here, @Pillar and we ain't gonna give up on ya. Did anyone give up on Eeyore? ;)
 
Kristy said:
"I am not in control of whatever circumstances happen"
LOTS of life circumstances ARE controllable by you. Lots of them!
Have you lived your whole life with that mindset?
Not everything is within our control, but many things of both high and low importance are, and there is nothing magical about it. You need to start taking a closer look at the "hands you're being dealt," which are always different, and watch for circumstances you do NOT have to accept as you've always done.
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This makes more sense... ty.
 
saddlebum66 said:
And you will get nothing more. If you do not control your own life, who did you give control TO? After the age of Adulthood what youre bitching about is Volitional. As a child you may have been" owned". As an adult.....theres no legal state of peonage in ANY of the Southwestern States, and no legal form of slavery in any if the Southern ones...and I tell you this.I was married to a progressively abusive bitch for 28 years. In addition to being that, She was also ADD. She still cannot fathom that she was remotely at fault for anything. I, on the other hand, was the fool that loved her. If thats your situation, get out. If youre taking care of an aging parent, get out....you can do that from your own place. But whatever the problem is....handle it. It isnt going to handle itself. If you keep up the nonsense, it WILL kill you. Youve been given GOOD and Caring advice....take it....pick the parts you like or can start with. But quit whining.
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