nekdoneco123
Esteemed Citizen of ZV
i can't really think about much else these past days besides losing a whole litter of puppies (two boys and two girls) on saturday so i figured "sharing the burden" might help at least a bit with moving on. it did when George died last year. sorry if it gets incoherent. i'm just gonna write stuff as it pops in my head.
i'm sorry you never had a chance, all the odds were stacked against you and the house always wins. i'm sorry none of you ever got to have a name or that two of you never even got to experience the very first thing every one of us got to experience, to be born. you went out already dead, discarded like some sort of waste.
i'm sorry none of you got to feel the very first sensation all living creatures get to feel, mother's love. i don't know why she did what she did. what the fuck happened that she laid on one of you and suffocated you and devoured the one that was left a few hours later? was she just clumsy and didn't see you there as she was preparing to push again? did she even see you as hers? did she see the last one of you as food? did she really just not care? maybe i have it all wrong and she actually gave you the best thing a mother can give to her children, somehow sensed there's something wrong and spared you a life of poor health and pain? i don't know...
i don't know why life is this unfair, uncaring bitch or what makes it so fucking special you were somehow deemed unworthy to experience it... i don't even know if there really is some invisible bastard in the sky (and he fucking knows what i think of him ever since George happened) taking sick pleasure from ending you. i certainly hope there is some special place over the rainbow bridge and you maybe get to grow up there, maybe George will be there, too. maybe he'll recognize you were mine as i was his. maybe you'll wait for me with him. if there even is a way for you to ever recognize me... all of you felt my touch, but none of you got to see me.
is the answer why happened what happened as simple as "i jinxed it"? was the bad luck that seems to stick to me my whole life enough to seal your fate the moment i stopped calling you "a pregnancy scare" and actually started looking forward to meeting all of you?
i'm sorry i'm still not a "mr.photograph person" and now i have literally nothing to prove you were ever even here. i'm sorry i'm not mad at your mother for what she did, i love her far too much for that... i'm sorry all your potential, whatever could have been, all the good and bad experiences we could have had (let's face it, there was a very small chance i would really ever put you up for adoption) will be soon reduced to just another one of these deep dark thoughts that only surface when depression hits or when i'm alone just with my thoughts or when i'm starting to feel happiness.... you should have been my happiness... one or maybe even all of you could have been my next George.
i'm sorry this is most likely going to turn me into even more bitter person... maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will
i'm sorry i'm trying to get over you....
i'm sorry you never had a chance, all the odds were stacked against you and the house always wins. i'm sorry none of you ever got to have a name or that two of you never even got to experience the very first thing every one of us got to experience, to be born. you went out already dead, discarded like some sort of waste.
i'm sorry none of you got to feel the very first sensation all living creatures get to feel, mother's love. i don't know why she did what she did. what the fuck happened that she laid on one of you and suffocated you and devoured the one that was left a few hours later? was she just clumsy and didn't see you there as she was preparing to push again? did she even see you as hers? did she see the last one of you as food? did she really just not care? maybe i have it all wrong and she actually gave you the best thing a mother can give to her children, somehow sensed there's something wrong and spared you a life of poor health and pain? i don't know...
i don't know why life is this unfair, uncaring bitch or what makes it so fucking special you were somehow deemed unworthy to experience it... i don't even know if there really is some invisible bastard in the sky (and he fucking knows what i think of him ever since George happened) taking sick pleasure from ending you. i certainly hope there is some special place over the rainbow bridge and you maybe get to grow up there, maybe George will be there, too. maybe he'll recognize you were mine as i was his. maybe you'll wait for me with him. if there even is a way for you to ever recognize me... all of you felt my touch, but none of you got to see me.
is the answer why happened what happened as simple as "i jinxed it"? was the bad luck that seems to stick to me my whole life enough to seal your fate the moment i stopped calling you "a pregnancy scare" and actually started looking forward to meeting all of you?
i'm sorry i'm still not a "mr.photograph person" and now i have literally nothing to prove you were ever even here. i'm sorry i'm not mad at your mother for what she did, i love her far too much for that... i'm sorry all your potential, whatever could have been, all the good and bad experiences we could have had (let's face it, there was a very small chance i would really ever put you up for adoption) will be soon reduced to just another one of these deep dark thoughts that only surface when depression hits or when i'm alone just with my thoughts or when i'm starting to feel happiness.... you should have been my happiness... one or maybe even all of you could have been my next George.
i'm sorry this is most likely going to turn me into even more bitter person... maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will
i'm sorry i'm trying to get over you....