horseyluvey
Lurker
I grew up in the country side, on a farm. was never really part of it other than feeding and check-ups from time to time.
we had horses, at some point 4, 3 mares 1 gelding. He was an old, calm but playful guy.
I was the one tasked with getting him from pasture to box and vice versa. I wasnt afraid of him, no the calm demeanor helped me connect with him, the nonchalance. with time, I grew fond of him and had a genuine connection. nothing perverse, not at that age. but a friendship.
one day I learn he had to be placed under someone else's care for lack of funds and time. it hit me, but I was also at the age where I could understand half of what that meant. got sad but didnt really realise it either. few months passed, I learn he had been neglected, and he came back home, poor one. but we couldn't keep him long much. this, my parents never told me that he would be gone again. this time, under a family friend's care. someone we trusted.
not long after, I read my sister's social media post about him leaving this world. not only my parents never told me about him not staying at home, but also about him leaving. I remember going downstairs and ask parents, they straight up told me "we were going to tell you... he lost a hoof and for his own sake, he had to be put down in order to not suffer more, seeing his age..."
yeah I knew what death was, I knew he was old, but why hide me that? why not tell me? since I was so attached to him. I just felt betrayed, powerless and guilt of not doing more with him, not putting words to what I felt.
few years later, I find myself with that trauma and an unusual attraction to horses. I was not born that way, I became it. is there anyone that can relate to any of this in any way shape or form? that can help me understand what is going on? I could ask apology from them, but for their ignorance? for what I am? in a way, that shaped me. that loss made me like them even more.
we had horses, at some point 4, 3 mares 1 gelding. He was an old, calm but playful guy.
I was the one tasked with getting him from pasture to box and vice versa. I wasnt afraid of him, no the calm demeanor helped me connect with him, the nonchalance. with time, I grew fond of him and had a genuine connection. nothing perverse, not at that age. but a friendship.
one day I learn he had to be placed under someone else's care for lack of funds and time. it hit me, but I was also at the age where I could understand half of what that meant. got sad but didnt really realise it either. few months passed, I learn he had been neglected, and he came back home, poor one. but we couldn't keep him long much. this, my parents never told me that he would be gone again. this time, under a family friend's care. someone we trusted.
not long after, I read my sister's social media post about him leaving this world. not only my parents never told me about him not staying at home, but also about him leaving. I remember going downstairs and ask parents, they straight up told me "we were going to tell you... he lost a hoof and for his own sake, he had to be put down in order to not suffer more, seeing his age..."
yeah I knew what death was, I knew he was old, but why hide me that? why not tell me? since I was so attached to him. I just felt betrayed, powerless and guilt of not doing more with him, not putting words to what I felt.
few years later, I find myself with that trauma and an unusual attraction to horses. I was not born that way, I became it. is there anyone that can relate to any of this in any way shape or form? that can help me understand what is going on? I could ask apology from them, but for their ignorance? for what I am? in a way, that shaped me. that loss made me like them even more.
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