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Lifestyle jokes

kyle_62

kyle_62

Necro
BANNED USER
Posted this in another thread, thought there might be more out there

Three women are at the vets office and they’re talking. The first woman says, my dog is always humping everything in sight so I’m getting him neutered. The second woman says, my dog keeps getting the neighbors dog pregnant so I’m getting him neutered. The third woman says, well I was cleaning the bathtub after my bath, so I was nude. My dog just jumped up and started fucking me like crazy. One of the other women said, so you’re getting him neutered? She said hell no, I’m getting his nails trimmed
 
The court convicts and imprisons some scared skinny guy for a minor crime and they put him in a cell with a huge, tough gorilla-size mexican.
The Mexican, in a deep bass voice says:
–Now you and I are going to play family. Are you going to be Mommy or Daddy?
–I... I... am going to be Daddy – shaken and frightened, the new prisoner replied.
–Okay – replied the huge mexican and unzipped his pants – Come on now and give Mommy a blowjob!
 
A preacher is giving his fire and brimstone sermon, “Confess your sins and be free, tell it all brother and sister, tell it all” a member of the congregation stands up and says “I lied to my boss last week” “Hallelujah sister you are free, tell it all brothers and sisters tell it all” another member stands up and says “I stole twenty dollars from my wife”; “Hallelujah brother tell it all, nothing is too much for Jesus to forgive, tell it all tell you it all” finally a man stands up in the back and says “I fucked a goat last night” a hush falls on the service, the preacher speaks “Damn brother, I don’t think I would’ve told that”
 
A couple of sheep hearders are talking about being horny out on the range and one says to the other, well I usually just go down and fuck one of those ewes. The other is appalled but after a while he gets up the nerve and does exactly that, after coming back the other shepherd says, damn man I wouldn’t have done that. The freshly fucked guy says, well thought that’s what you said you do. Well yeah, but you picked the bosses girlfriend
 
A guy goes into a bar looking real depressed and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another.

The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?"

The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend."

"Wow," replied the bartender. "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"

The man replied, "Well, I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!
 
Dr. Smith paced about the room, nervous. "Relax," he tried to reassure himself. "You're not the first doctor to have sex with a patient." But, then, reality sets in and he has to slap himself "... but I'm a veterinarian!"
 
Not a joke, but actual event. Family is touring the livestock exhibit at the fair and walk over to the champion bull. For some reason the farmer exhibiting the bull had put some Christmas tree decorations on the tips of the bulls horns. The middle daughter of the family (about 5 years old), says in a loud and clear voice…”Jesus Christ, look at the balls on that bull”
 
Mrs. Connor visited the doctor to have him treat the bruises and contusions on her knees.

The doctor asked, "How did you get beat up like that?"

"It's from fucking doggie-style in the backyard."

"Don't you know any other sexual positions?"

"I do," she said, "but my German Shepard doesn't."
 
Once upon a time, in an random former socialist country. In this case - Soviet Union.

The captions:

-Do you really not have any meat?
-Comrade, this is a fish shop, we have NO fish. The butcher shop across the street has NO meat.

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Little Red Riding Hood “Grandma what a long nose you have” Big Bad Wolf “the better to smell you dearie” LRRH “grandma what big ears you have” BBW “the better to hear you dearie”, LRRH “grandma, what are you going to do now?” BBW “I’m gonna fuck you” LRRH “oh hell no, you’re gonna eat me, just like the story says”
 
Oldest one arond

Two men are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls. One of them says “man, I wish I could do that”, the other replies “I’m afraid he’d bite me”
 
Mickey Mouse is in front of the judge asking for a divorce from Minnie. The judge says “you can’t divorce her because she’s crazy”. Mickey says, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking goofy”
 
Somewhere, in a military unit:
--Sergeant, there's a gay in our platoon!
--Why do you think so, private?
--Somebody stole my dildo!
 
A little long winded, but:

Guy walks into a bar and notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar. He asks the bartender "what's the deal with the monkey?"
Bartender replies "...best not to worry about it, what can I get you?"
Guy orders his drink and they continue with small talk. After a few rounds, the guy is obviously hammered at this point, and he says to the bartender "you gotta tell me what the deal is with the monkey before I leave.."
So the bartender, after some internal debate, finally takes the monkey out of the cage, grabs an inflatable bat from under the bar and gives the monkey a good bonk. The monkey immediately unzips the bartenders pants and begins blowing him.
"HOLY SMOKES, NO WAY!" The guy exclaims
"You wanna give it a try?" The bartender asks
"sure, just don't hit me that hard"
 
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