Funny Shit You Never Hear People Say

[CetaceanLover23]

"Dad, you really ought to drink more."

"Quit sucking my dick or I'm calling the police!"

"Mommy!!! May I get a French Tickler from you?!"

 

[ShanoirII]

"Thank you for staying with us.
We hope to see you at our hospital again soon."

 

[K9knotts]

Person 1: dam were out of toilet paper!
Person 2: what did u do then?
Person 1: what do u mean? Were out of tp!
Person 2: i know, so what did you do, did you vlean your self or not?
Person 1: NO! I told u were out of tp!
Person 2: oh!

 

[Taopony]

"Fuck you and the seahorse you rode in on"

 

[CetaceanLover23]

"Wait, so I can't use a baby shoe as a but plug?"

 

[Taopony]

"The best way to eat a banana is through your anus"

 

[CetaceanLover23]

"As soon as I finish this steak I'm going to run to Taco Bell and chop my dick off!"

 

[Taopony]

"I love eating tacos made with chopped dick meat"

 

[CetaceanLover23]

"Did you hear Midwest Fur Fest is allowing zoophiles now?"

 

[Taopony]

"Zoos and furries get along so well"

 

[CetaceanLover23]

MSNBC: "Donald Trump is named a national hero for fighting off a stampede of blue and pink haired feminists with an olive fork"

 

[Taopony]

CNN: "Trump is awesome. We were just joking about hating him."

 

[Cajlatsa]

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

 

[Itslikethat]

"Officer, if I couldn't see the speed limit then SURELY you couldn't either."

 

[CetaceanLover23]

Has anyone seen Captain Tuttle? (if anyone understands that reference I love you)

 

[Taopony]

"Nine out of ten doctors recommend getting your nipples pierced"

 

[FloofyNewfie]

"I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!" Stan Smith - American Dad

 

[Taopony]

"If you're cold, simply light your clothes on fire to keep warm"

 

[CetaceanLover23]

Ben Shapiro: "I'm coming out as gay now"

 

[Taopony]

Paul Revere: "The British are cumming... in my wife!"

 

[dartel]

Has anyone seen Captain Tuttle? (if anyone understands that reference I love you)

MASH

 

[CetaceanLover23]

MASH

*Gives you a Guinness*

 

[dartel]

*Gives you a Guinness*

*throws nasty ass poison back*

 

[CetaceanLover23]

*throws nasty ass poison back*

*Forces Sam Adam's Boston Lager down your throat via a Tupperware funnel instead* XD

 

[dartel]

*Forces Sam Adam's Boston Lager down your throat via a Tupperware funnel instead* XD

Keep that poison shit away from me!