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Emotional Journey of Being Zoo. Anxiety?

FurrEverYours

FurrEverYours

Tourist
Hello!

I grew up on a horse ranch and around the age of 11 I saw one of our mares and entertained myself. That's how it all started... But I'm not here to discuss my sexual experiences, I more want to discuss the emotional dynamics of being zoo.

As a kid every time I would have an experience with one of our horses I would ask God to kill me (horse ranch kind of goes hand in hand with Christian conservative culture right?). The weight of that shame literally crushed me. It created another part of myself that was so burdened by the sexual experiences that I had, and I couldnt share the burden of that part of myself with anyone. So I went through my teens and 20's with such a heavy heart. I felt deeply outcast by society (if they were to find out) and had difficulty feeling lovable by other people. I had confessed my attraction to therapists over the years but I still would have such intense anxious reactions when I would look at zoo porn etc. It hasn't been till my early 30s (now) that I'm finally feeling free with being a zoo. Ketamine therapy really helped me accept that. Thankfully I have friends, family and a partner that I can feel very loved by now. But it was hell for over a decade.

A big part of joining this community for me is to be able to talk about this stuff with other people.

What has your emotional journey been like being a zoo?
 
never dealt with shame. too much shit in the world to believe in any sort of benevolent god. and what i do stems from love and is mutual, no reason to feel any shame or guilt.
my emotional journey through this cursed life is tied to the joke that is their (dogs) average lifespan and how the "normal" person usually reacts to passing of one. "just get a new one". noone really understands what it is that i lost again and again, losing a bit of myself with every single one.

i don't believe in heaven or any sort of afterlife. they're just gone.
 
I haven't been a zoo for long and I'm still coming to terms with it since it's only been a few months. At first I tried to convince myself that it wasn't attraction and I only liked the knot and such which is a part but still- I believe in karma, spirituality, etc but not a god.

First, I tried to use an app to block any and all zoo porn sites that I could find so I couldn't access them whenever I was masturbating which worked but then I couldn't cum which was frustrating so I always unlocked the sites and did what I needed too. This made me extremely upset, nervous, tried to reason with my brain that it was illegal and even similar to CP because both can't "consent" (in the laws eyes and YES I think children can't consent and CP should be a death sentence /hj) but since trying to come to terms with this and accepting it I realized my karma was bad but idk, I think it's better now and this site definitely helped me realize what a consenting dog is and happy zoo relationships :)
 
My emotional journey is still an ongoing one. There are still many rites of passages for me to go through. There are still many things for me to experience and learn, but emotionally, it has not been easy.

I have always accepted myself, and never felt guilt for my attractions, but I have felt a great deal of disappointment and sadness from people letting me down or showing me their worst sides.

Through my journey I hope that I am able to remember to stay humble, that I can find a place where I belong amongst my own kind, that I can be there to extend a hand to help my own kind when in need, and that I am able to stay true.

I can only hope for the best for what may be over the horizon.
 
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