**This is a vent post and contains heavy, emotional topics and tone, read at the expense of your mental well being. I donโt wish to reawaken anyone elseโs past painful, similar experiences with this
๐คโกโงห เผ โ๏ฝกโกห๐
Today was my last day working at the ranch this summer. I stayed as long as I could, to ensure I had as much time to spend with my beloved Mars (not his real name, but Iโve decided to use fake names for safety.)
I was put to work for most of my free moments, but at the end of the day when golden light shone underneath the clouds, I knew it was time for me to say my goodbyes and leave after another great summer. First the horses, then the dogs, the does, and finally, the bucks.
My heart was practically overflowing with longing and sadness by the time I reached him, he seemed to sense it and immediately came to my side as I crumpled on the ground. I was too proud to shed tears, this was my job, after all. Instead, I buried my face in his hide while he rubbed his side against me, followed by kisses on my face, legs, and arms. I returned the gesture by kissing him back, on the lips. I was there in the pen with him for around half an hour. Though I was tired and extremely dirty, I didnโt care. This was all that mattered.
After a warm hug, I finally managed to tear myself away and walk out the gate.
Before I gathered my belongings and went to the car, I just
had to see him one last time. I walked down next to the feeder he was by, and put my fingers through the fence while he licked them. I almost broke down right there, but I had to be strong. For Dogโs sake, he and I both had to assert our dominance to other bucks in order to be left alone inside the pen. Physically battling a buck will take its toll on you, but itโs the only way to earn respect when they view you as competition.
Walking away was the easier of the two, physically, but far more emotionally taxing.
I blasted love songs on the way home, thinking of him and my girl crush the entire drive. Now I sit here in my chair reflecting on it all. I regret nothing, and even though I feel so hollow and fragile away from his side; falling in love with him is one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I am forever grateful of the love heโs shown me like no other, to help me discover who I truly am.
I love you Mars.
I know Iโm going to see you againโฆ just not for a long time.