MauriceRavel53
Tourist
Already in love. I have to be really vulnerable to a bunch of strangers on the internet who can hopefully relate. I saw this dog on craigslist and I want her more than anything in the entire world. Now I'm scared of my feelings. The only thing cathartic to do is to write about it.
I'm 28, male, zoophile my whole life, tried to be interested in women many times. I think one time I was crazy about someone, but I couldn't manage to build a relationship with her. Also sex with humans just grosses me out. I am skilled at music, athletics, art, academia. I am a Christian. I have a degree in engineering. I am recovering from substance abuse (kratom and weed, mostly), and got home from a recovery program two weeks ago that changed my life. I'm 68 days clean from marijuana and kratom, and 100+ days free of alcohol (although I wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic). During this program I faced my orientation squarely in the face.
I told it, "You are what I've been trying to suppress! Through relationships, through intensive studying, skill acquisition, travel, curiosity about the world, music, exercise, relationships, serving people, DRUGS (that was bad). Now I am free from all drugs, I am ready to deal with you. I don't know how. I am dealing with all my other issues successfully-- I am going to several substance abuse support groups each week, I am getting treatment for my depression/bipolar stuff, I am eating well, exercising a lot, practicing my piano, I will be working a job that I love very soon. I am going to therapy, I am talking to many health practitioners, I am being so vulnerable with people. YOU. YOU zoophilia, you take over my mind and you are growing. Why are you growing? It's getting harder each day to deal with you. Now look at the state you've put me in!"
This is the state I'm in right now. A war in my brain. It might just be some manic episode (I hope).
This is a complex interaction of various chemical reactions in your brain. It will pass (will it?). The pain, the heartbreak, the longing, the utter unbearable, unspeakable longing in your soul, in your marrow, it is real. It hurts. It is a build up of so much emotion that you’ve repressed for so long. You’ve pushed it down for many years, through vigorous work, study, activities, then narcotics. Your brain is still trying to heal. This may be some kind of manic episode or something. Its so intense building up
But oh, my heart is broken, just seeing her picture, how can I resist her? A sweet, 9 month old, German Shepherd/Husky mix, she ‘costs’ $100. How could someone put a price on her! She is so beautiful and I see her loving sweetness in her eyes. I see that soul that I so desire.. My stomach is burning, my hands and feet tingle, my breathing is shallow. I long for her, to be mine, to be my own, it is like a part of me is missing and I found it but can’t have it, but want it so bad. And now I scheme. I plan on how I can have her, my missing piece of me, the north to my south, to look in her eyes and see her soul, to care for her, to give her the best life possible, to let her be the happiest dog with so much meaning, so much joy. To teach her skate-joring. To figure her out. To understand her. To learn what makes her so beautiful inside and out. I want her to hold, to love, to be with me in my bed every night until death do us part. I want her to be with me all the time. I want to plan my life around her. I want my responsibility to be her. I want to adventure with her, to travel, to get a van and play music on the streets of small towns with her. I want to hike the wilderness with her. I will sell my beloved old Mercedes and get a van so we have room together, to be free together. I will be a penny pincher.. I will sell my things. I will prioritize healthy eating and exercise. I will make sure she has the proper medical care. I will work for room and board. I will be creative with her. Film us together in our magical moments outside, making music, skating, hiking, traveling. Instagram loves dogs, especially special dogs like her. I will work for room and board. I will work jobs that let me keep her with me. I will go visit my friends in Missouri, stay with them for a while. I will meet others on the road, in the US and beyond. She’s what I have longed for since I was old enough to long for something, but I didn't really know it. I will write, I will try to explain what this is between us, to analyze it, to record it, to understand it. There is nothing like it, so far as I can tell. What is this?
I don’t know what will happen if I don’t have her. I feel as if I am going insane and am about to explode with… incomprehensible longing for something that I do not yet have. What is this? What is going on with me? Why am I like this? Am I a wolf-dog inside? Experiencing the charge of emotions that only dogs are supposed to feel? Pure, unbridled emotion, longing, love, something indescribable… I am ridiculous. I am insane. God should strike me dead! Whatever I am, I shouldn’t exist. This is not normal, not natural. Never could a human bring this kind of emotion to me. Never. And that is abnormal. Reprehensible. But to me, it is so real. The strongest feelings I think I’ve ever felt aren't sadness, but something else. Something different. Heartbreak? Heartbreak is a different kind of sadness.
These are the strongest feelings that I've ever had. Before, it seemed vague. It seemed like a simple lust issue. But I hate lust. I hate porn. I just want her, and I don't want images and imagination and a fake, ugly climax at the end of watching someone else. Now that I know of this possibility, I can finally name, understand, the object of my feelings… I desire her more than anything in the world, more than a family, money, a house, a career, anything, except for God. But God only knows what this is. Only He knows how I feel, and why, and what I will do. Only He loves me even more than I love her, this idea of her (but the idea is so close, so almost there, only geography and a few conversations and exchanges separate us now, she is not a mere idea, she is right there, just 20 minutes away, waiting for me, to give her the best life she could possibly have as a dog, to be tied with me, her unique mind completing mine, finally, she is the piece in my puzzle!). Now I love her enough to sacrifice whatever I would have done without her. But anything I would have done without her would be empty of her... What could I do but numb these feelings? Everything I could do without her would numb this, suppress it... probably lead me to something destructive again, like drugs, or worse. Regardless, these feelings, this reality, would erupt again sooner or later.
Oh God save me, have mercy on me. Why am I cursed this way? What am I to do? Forgive me for whatever I do. I cannot control these feelings. I can control what I do, but I see no other possibility but completing my mind with her, or turning to something obviously destructive– like so often in the past. Now I am almost 30 years old, and I cannot go another day without her but I will have to. May you please, please eliminate these feelings. Make them go away. It can’t possibly be your will that my love will be this sweet girl, this sweet dog. Or else, let me find enough distractions for the rest of my life.
Oh it feels like I lost someone I love, like my most beloved dog just died; it’s like when I lost my cat 6 years ago, but even more intense, because it’s longing, desire, grief, loss, all mixed into one thing, and amplified, radiating through my entire body. It’s like, when you watch a movie and the love of someone dies too early, it’s like that, but also longing to fix it because you know how, or you think you know how, by making the phone call, by saying I want her! And it's 100 times more intense than a movie. By saying, “She’s going to get the best life. I have no other primary responsibilities, except that which is necessary to give us the best life possible together. I will spend every minute I can with her, teaching her, playing with her, showing my affection, working with her, adventuring with her, getting to know her more and more, her wants and needs, her mind”. But it’s not just a movie, or a book. It’s you this time, my sweet dog. It’s cut into marrow. Ouch it hurts. It burns like a fire in my core!!!
I'm 28, male, zoophile my whole life, tried to be interested in women many times. I think one time I was crazy about someone, but I couldn't manage to build a relationship with her. Also sex with humans just grosses me out. I am skilled at music, athletics, art, academia. I am a Christian. I have a degree in engineering. I am recovering from substance abuse (kratom and weed, mostly), and got home from a recovery program two weeks ago that changed my life. I'm 68 days clean from marijuana and kratom, and 100+ days free of alcohol (although I wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic). During this program I faced my orientation squarely in the face.
I told it, "You are what I've been trying to suppress! Through relationships, through intensive studying, skill acquisition, travel, curiosity about the world, music, exercise, relationships, serving people, DRUGS (that was bad). Now I am free from all drugs, I am ready to deal with you. I don't know how. I am dealing with all my other issues successfully-- I am going to several substance abuse support groups each week, I am getting treatment for my depression/bipolar stuff, I am eating well, exercising a lot, practicing my piano, I will be working a job that I love very soon. I am going to therapy, I am talking to many health practitioners, I am being so vulnerable with people. YOU. YOU zoophilia, you take over my mind and you are growing. Why are you growing? It's getting harder each day to deal with you. Now look at the state you've put me in!"
This is the state I'm in right now. A war in my brain. It might just be some manic episode (I hope).
This is a complex interaction of various chemical reactions in your brain. It will pass (will it?). The pain, the heartbreak, the longing, the utter unbearable, unspeakable longing in your soul, in your marrow, it is real. It hurts. It is a build up of so much emotion that you’ve repressed for so long. You’ve pushed it down for many years, through vigorous work, study, activities, then narcotics. Your brain is still trying to heal. This may be some kind of manic episode or something. Its so intense building up
But oh, my heart is broken, just seeing her picture, how can I resist her? A sweet, 9 month old, German Shepherd/Husky mix, she ‘costs’ $100. How could someone put a price on her! She is so beautiful and I see her loving sweetness in her eyes. I see that soul that I so desire.. My stomach is burning, my hands and feet tingle, my breathing is shallow. I long for her, to be mine, to be my own, it is like a part of me is missing and I found it but can’t have it, but want it so bad. And now I scheme. I plan on how I can have her, my missing piece of me, the north to my south, to look in her eyes and see her soul, to care for her, to give her the best life possible, to let her be the happiest dog with so much meaning, so much joy. To teach her skate-joring. To figure her out. To understand her. To learn what makes her so beautiful inside and out. I want her to hold, to love, to be with me in my bed every night until death do us part. I want her to be with me all the time. I want to plan my life around her. I want my responsibility to be her. I want to adventure with her, to travel, to get a van and play music on the streets of small towns with her. I want to hike the wilderness with her. I will sell my beloved old Mercedes and get a van so we have room together, to be free together. I will be a penny pincher.. I will sell my things. I will prioritize healthy eating and exercise. I will make sure she has the proper medical care. I will work for room and board. I will be creative with her. Film us together in our magical moments outside, making music, skating, hiking, traveling. Instagram loves dogs, especially special dogs like her. I will work for room and board. I will work jobs that let me keep her with me. I will go visit my friends in Missouri, stay with them for a while. I will meet others on the road, in the US and beyond. She’s what I have longed for since I was old enough to long for something, but I didn't really know it. I will write, I will try to explain what this is between us, to analyze it, to record it, to understand it. There is nothing like it, so far as I can tell. What is this?
I don’t know what will happen if I don’t have her. I feel as if I am going insane and am about to explode with… incomprehensible longing for something that I do not yet have. What is this? What is going on with me? Why am I like this? Am I a wolf-dog inside? Experiencing the charge of emotions that only dogs are supposed to feel? Pure, unbridled emotion, longing, love, something indescribable… I am ridiculous. I am insane. God should strike me dead! Whatever I am, I shouldn’t exist. This is not normal, not natural. Never could a human bring this kind of emotion to me. Never. And that is abnormal. Reprehensible. But to me, it is so real. The strongest feelings I think I’ve ever felt aren't sadness, but something else. Something different. Heartbreak? Heartbreak is a different kind of sadness.
These are the strongest feelings that I've ever had. Before, it seemed vague. It seemed like a simple lust issue. But I hate lust. I hate porn. I just want her, and I don't want images and imagination and a fake, ugly climax at the end of watching someone else. Now that I know of this possibility, I can finally name, understand, the object of my feelings… I desire her more than anything in the world, more than a family, money, a house, a career, anything, except for God. But God only knows what this is. Only He knows how I feel, and why, and what I will do. Only He loves me even more than I love her, this idea of her (but the idea is so close, so almost there, only geography and a few conversations and exchanges separate us now, she is not a mere idea, she is right there, just 20 minutes away, waiting for me, to give her the best life she could possibly have as a dog, to be tied with me, her unique mind completing mine, finally, she is the piece in my puzzle!). Now I love her enough to sacrifice whatever I would have done without her. But anything I would have done without her would be empty of her... What could I do but numb these feelings? Everything I could do without her would numb this, suppress it... probably lead me to something destructive again, like drugs, or worse. Regardless, these feelings, this reality, would erupt again sooner or later.
Oh God save me, have mercy on me. Why am I cursed this way? What am I to do? Forgive me for whatever I do. I cannot control these feelings. I can control what I do, but I see no other possibility but completing my mind with her, or turning to something obviously destructive– like so often in the past. Now I am almost 30 years old, and I cannot go another day without her but I will have to. May you please, please eliminate these feelings. Make them go away. It can’t possibly be your will that my love will be this sweet girl, this sweet dog. Or else, let me find enough distractions for the rest of my life.
Oh it feels like I lost someone I love, like my most beloved dog just died; it’s like when I lost my cat 6 years ago, but even more intense, because it’s longing, desire, grief, loss, all mixed into one thing, and amplified, radiating through my entire body. It’s like, when you watch a movie and the love of someone dies too early, it’s like that, but also longing to fix it because you know how, or you think you know how, by making the phone call, by saying I want her! And it's 100 times more intense than a movie. By saying, “She’s going to get the best life. I have no other primary responsibilities, except that which is necessary to give us the best life possible together. I will spend every minute I can with her, teaching her, playing with her, showing my affection, working with her, adventuring with her, getting to know her more and more, her wants and needs, her mind”. But it’s not just a movie, or a book. It’s you this time, my sweet dog. It’s cut into marrow. Ouch it hurts. It burns like a fire in my core!!!