Give us your best JOKE.

DanChrist

DanChrist

Citizen of Zooville
One day this guy goes to the zoo with his wife. They stop by the gorilla exhibit. Now, the man's wife was a beautiful red-headed woman with big tits. A huge silverback gorilla looks up at the woman and begins pounding his chest. The guy leans over to his wife and whispers into her ear, "Hey honey, start playing with your tits." The man's wife starts to giggle, and then she unbuttons her blouse and begins massaging her breasts in front of an ape. The gorilla goes into a testosterone-filled frenzy and punches out another ape standing next to him.

The husband and wife laugh at the sight of primal violence. The guy then whispers into his wife's ear, "Hey honey, lift up your skirt and start playing with yourself." The woman blushes and laughs and then lifts up her skirt and begins massaging her clit. The ape begins howling like mad and starts masturbating as he watches her. As the woman cries out in orgasm the gorilla begins jumping up and down as he drops his load. The second ape regains consciousness and slaps the gorilla in the back of the head while he masturbates. The gorilla turns around lifts the smaller ape into the air and breaks his spine over his knee just as Bane did to Batman.

The husband and wife are laughing hysterically. Then the man suddenly pushes his wife over the wall of the gorilla exhibit. As she falls on the ground and lands at the gorilla's feet her husband yells, "NOW HONEY. TELL HIM YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!!"
 
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One day there was this middle-aged married couple. They were a little bit greedy and they saw this ad in the newspaper for a million dollars. The contest stated that all they had to do was go to the house in the woods, go into one of the rooms and spend the night sleeping with one of their ex-partners in the dark.
They go to the house and a man leads the husband into a room. He hears a female voice in the room say, "Come and fuck me, Earl." The man recognizes the woman as his ex-wife so he gets on top of her and fucks her all night.

The man leads the wife, Wilma, into a dark room. He blindfolds her and she gets on her knees. She hears a voice say, "Yeah baby, you're going to take all of this." The woman feels herself getting fucked by the biggest dick that she had ever taken.

The following morning, Earl wakes up and sees that he is laying next to 500lb hog. Earl vomits and begins crying. The man who owned the house came in and started laughing. "I was throwing my voice last night and you honestly thought that hog was your ex-wife. Ha, ha, ha!" the man says.

Earl and the man enter the other room. Wilma is laying on the floor sound asleep. The man wakes her up. "Guess what bitch? You got fucked by a horse last night! I was throwing my voice," the man says. The woman blinks in confusion, "You were throwing your voice? I thought I was getting fucked by Mr. Ed." The woman rolls her eyes in disappointment, "Fine! How much do you want for the horse?"
 
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A little penguin was driving his car through the Texas desert. Halfway through the desert, his car breaks down. The penguin grabs his cell phone and calls for a tow truck. After about an hour the tow truck arrives and tow truck driver gives the penguin a ride to town with his car in tow. The tow truck driver drops the little penguin off at the automotive shop.

The penguin stood before the automotive mechanic. He looked up at the tall human and asked, "Well, how bad is it?" The mechanic strokes his goatee and replies, "Not too bad. You got here just in time. You've blown a head gasket. I have a lot of experience changing out head gaskets and I can have it done by this evening." The penguin nods in approval and lets out a sigh of relief. "Alright, I'll pay the $500, and I'll pick my car up this evening," the penguin said. The penguin paid the man and left his automotive repair shop.

Now penguins are interesting creatures; they live in the arctic cold and they are certainly not used to the desert heat. It was two in the afternoon and the penguin was getting overheated. He waddled across the street and entered a nice cool greasy-spoon dinner. The little penguin sits at a booth. He is burning up. A voluptuous blond waitress walks up to the little fellow. "Dear are you okay?" the waitress asked. "Water. I need water," The penguin asked. The waitress told him the truth. "I am so sorry, sweetheart, but we are all out of water. Would you like some nice cold vanilla ice cream?" The penguin eagerly accepts, "Yes, please bring me lots of ice cream."

After, a few minutes the ice cream arrives at the table. Now the funny thing about penguins is that they have no thumbs so it is impossible for them to use a spoon or any other silverware. So, the penguin dipped his flippers into the ice cream and hurled spoonfuls of it towards his face hoping to hit his mouth. After a while, the penguin did indeed manage to get a belly full of nice cold ice cream. He also had gotten melted ice cream all over his face and body. The penguin's appearance looked rather vulgar, to say the least. A customer walked by the penguin and looked at him strangely, "Sir, you look like you have had a really bad day," the stranger said.

"No, I've just blown a seal," the penguin replied.
 
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I went on a first date to the zoo with a nice lass
As we were walking to the entrance I asked her if I could get the tickets but she told me not to worry because she got a staff discount there.

After that she told me about all these incredible animals and I was blown away by the whole experience. Such a beautiful day.

She's a keeper.
 
Q: What do Mick Jagger and a Scotsman have in common?

A: Mick says, “hey, you, get offa my cloud.” A Scotsman says, “hey, McLeod, get offa my ewe!!!!” ?
 
Judging by the size of your ass
One can assume that a
Knot wouldn't be big
Enough to satisfy your desires
 
Katroska99 said:
I went on a first date to the zoo with a nice lass
As we were walking to the entrance I asked her if I could get the tickets but she told me not to worry because she got a staff discount there.

After that she told me about all these incredible animals and I was blown away by the whole experience. Such a beautiful day.

She's a keeper.
Click to expand...
Uh, I don't get why this would be a joke...
 
3 guys are walking next to some mud and find some bricks.
They want to see who can throw the bricks the highest but can't seem to figure out how to measure the height that they threw it. One of the guys says "we can just measure how far the brick sinks into the mud." The other two agree to this. The first guy throws his brick and it lodges itself a foot and a half in the mud. The second guy throws his brick up and it lands three feet into the mud. The last guy throws his brick up with all his might... and it doesn't come back down.

One day a woman decided to go on a vacation with her parrot. She wanted to go to France but the only tickets she could get were no parrot no smoking tickets. Not wanting to leave her parrot at home, she simply stores the parrot in her shirt and acts like she is pregnant. While on the plane, the pilot is walking down the aisle smoking a cigar. He stops at the woman and asks her how her flight is going. Before she can reply, the parrot says "it's going great". Surprised, the pilot pulls the parrot out from under her shirt. "You can't have a parrot on this plane!" He says. She takes the cigar from his mouth and says "Well you can't have a cigar on this plane!" Enraged, the pilot throws the parrot out the window. This incites the woman to throw the cigar out the window. The pilot returns to the cockpit and is angry about losing his cigar. He's about to light up another one when he hears a knock on the windshield. He looks up and sees the parrot. And what was in his mouth?
A brick.
 
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