Fuck Cancer

[K_9River_rat]

My best buddy of all time was diagnosed with lymphoma earlier this year.

He wasn't my first, but he was my first k9 and male experience.

He was only 6.

I had dreams of how long we would be together, and of the things we would do together.

I came home from work and while cuddling, noticed a lump that I immediately scheduled a vet appointment for, that turned out to be a swollen lymph node.

From there, things just got worse......

Some may have noticed that I haven't been around for a bit...

I decided to use the time we had left to give him the best life I could.

I took him to parks and swimming in the river.

Let him experience the city when all he had known his whole life was the country.

He had never even had so much as a collar, let alone a leash his entire life, but he somehow got that figured out in minutes.

In the end, he couldn't even stand up to go outside and pee.

He was in pain because his bladder was so full.

I slept with him on the floor by the back door, holding his head and letting him use it as a pillow, waking up in a puddle of his chemo pee...

His last day was spent sitting in a 24hr emergency vet clinic because his vet administering his chemo couldn't be bothered enough to see him.

He had been getting better...

Blood counts, lymph node swelling and all...

Before his downward spiral, his chemotherapy vet had decided to hit his cancer with a much larger than normal dose...

I was looking forward to him getting a bit more time...

After that large dose, he got lethargic as per the usual, but didn't bounce back in a day or two as he had before...

He only got worse...

When the 24hr emergency clinic told me that he had likely experienced a pulmonary embolism or some other lung issue that was preventing him from getting enough oxygen, and likely due to the chemo, my heart dropped...

We all sat with him, holding him, talking to him, crying our eyes out telling him over and over how much we loved him...

How sorry we were that we couldn't do anything...

Fucking worst day of my life...

I held him while he fell asleep, telling him how much I love him and whispering in his ear about how I hoped we would be together again one day...

I felt his last heartbeat....

My heart hasn't been the same since....

3 months later and I'm still fucked up over it...

But I did dream of him last night...

RIP buddy, friend... lover...

I hope whatever this is that we call life allows for us to be together again one day...

Where ever you are, I hope you know how much I love and miss you...

Your sweet eyes staring into mine, filled with love...

How I still cry when I think about you...

How I cry for you as I type this right now...

Fuck cancer...

 

[suchada]

sad story, it remains difficult...stay strong

 

[Cookiecaretaker]

i am very sorry, cancer is a real hard thing take ur time and contact friends/family when u need help

 

[K_9River_rat]

i am very sorry, cancer is a real hard thing take ur time and contact friends/family when u need help

While the pain is real, I think/feel that I somehow get some joy in remembering him.

He was and still is a huge part of my life and who I am having known him.

He was a saint, and deserves remembrance.

My hurt is only due to the massive love we shared, and therefore in my mind, the hurt isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Sure, I cried while I wrote that initial post, cried while driving, and kinda teary eyed right now.

I haven't cried like this in almost 40 years...

But his love was worth every single tear and then some...

I'll gladly cry for as long as I live, even if it meant an eternity...

His love was and is worth it...

Even in my tears, I smile thinking of his love, companionship and compassion...

And somehow the universe sent me another...

Just a day after I buried him, someone told me of 2 boys, brothers, looking for a home...

I said it was way too soon, and they understood, but somehow the word "husky" was mentioned, and while walking out the door, something made me turn around and leave my phone number...

I was planning on leaving town for a bit the next morning before daylight, but my phone had updated during the night and hadn't restarted, so my alarm didn't go off...

I woke to see daylight, ran outside with a coke and was sitting in the truck, waking up while the truck warmed up when the text came from the people that had the 2 huskies they had fostered to keep the city from putting them down when nobody had claimed them.

While meeting them would be out of my way, they offered to meet me halfway, so I did.

When I met up with them, one of the boys was in the back seat with their kids and didn't seem to interested in meeting me, while the other crawled out the front passenger window into my arms...

Come to find out, it wasn't too soon!!!

I still cry, but something makes me feel like I'm supposed to be where I am in it, with this boy to lick my tears and accept my love and return it in spades...

 

[Artaxias]

Sorry, i know very little English. I use a translator. I hope it is somewhat understandable.
Almost exactly two weeks ago to the day, my boy died. And almost exactly 8 years (8 years and 2 days) we spent together with my boy. He was a beautiful, huge, strong, sweet big bear. A Staffordshire terrier.
It started in March. Kidney tumor. A month of struggle, then he had surgery and started to recover. Then suddenly he got worse. Again a lot of struggle. (We were at the veterinary clinic about 40 times in total in 4 months.) The verdict: a lot of tumor metastasized to the lungs and spine and his heart was not visible from all the fluid. He is dying. He only has hours left. There is only one thing we can do. Love him, until the last moment of his life.
That particular evening he came to bed for the last time and lay down in his favorite sleeping places. I cried like a child and begged for his forgiveness. I slowly fell asleep. He went out into the garden with his last strength to the garden pond and breathed his last there. Not an hour had passed when I woke up. I can't hear his panting. He's not in the room. He's not in the house. I go out into the garden. Everything is quiet, only the crickets chirping and the water gently lapping. That's when I knew.
His body was still warm. There were wildflowers in his mouth as he bit into them with his last yawn. He was looking towards the back door that we use. Maybe until his last moment he was watching to see if he could see me again. He couldn't. Only by minutes, but I missed the last moments of his earthly existence. I've been kicking myself ever since for not being with him. But maybe that's what he wanted. Maybe.
I've never been a believer. And I won't be that much after this. Whoever or whatever the Creator is, he must be the most evil being in the universe. Why should the most wonderful creature on Earth be punished so cruelly just because he loves the most evil creature on Earth, man, selflessly? He didn't deserve it either. I hope that that Creator will one day be held accountable for all his vile deeds and end up in hell. Or someplace worse. Maybe.

Rest In Peace Roll!