Found the nearest clothing store and bought some exceptionally tight white jeans from the kiddies section and put them on in a rush, went straight to the middle of the shopping centre and called for everyone's attention while I vigorously emptied the contents of my bowels into my lovely white pants. Two weeks later and I am still waiting for this Julia. Needless to say...
....as we all know patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. So instead of cathartically unloading in public for a 2nd time, I decided to see a hypnotist to dig around into my subconscious memories in order to find out if there was something additional Whoopi had told me that I had forgotten. To my great surprise, while I was in a deep trance the hypnotist told me.....
That chuck norris was standing right behind me and he informed me that I hadn't actually soiled myself of my own free will but rather that he had scared the shit out of me with a dirty look from across the room! Chuck then told me that this prophesied Julia did in fact exist and he was the final thing standing in my path to her. 12 rounds with Chuck Norris was the verdict. I hope he likes doggy style! Well, I ended up...
double sided dildo and told me this is what I would need if I wanted to stand even the slightest chance against Chuck. The theory being that Chuck is so manly and straight as an arrow that even the sight of sensei's dildo would make him weak at the knees and keel over with convulsions. It was time...
...to wipe out Chuck Norris once and forever. I put on my camouflage clothes, armed myself to the teeth, strapped the double-sided dildo through my belt, and stood in front of the mirror full of anger and determination. And then my knees went soft and the blood froze in my veins. I had no reflection in the mirror! A creepy laugh echoed through the room, and I...
Realised that of course I had no reflection because I was wearing camo! Duh! Unfortunately I also realised that this wouldn't work against Chuck because everyone knows he was born with infra-red motion-detecting vision in his eye sockets. Drat! Double drat! I guess the dildo was my only hope of turning Chuck Norris into Cuck Norris! Alas...
....Chuck at this point was livid because he thought I was trying to stall Round 1 from even beginning. I somehow was able to talk him down and agree to a 48 hour truce. He then demanded I drive with him to his dojo to pick up a laser blaster and some photon torpedoes for those were the only known weapons to counteract a massive pink and purple polka dotted double sided dildo. We arrive but instead of getting a glimpse of his arsenal, he pulls out a cowbell, hands me an acoustic guitar, and out walks Slash from Guns N' Roses with bongo drums. The three of us passionately start to play the song....
... "Fear of the dark".
...cold wet slimy brick wall that I didn't see while the lights were on. Up until this moment, the closest thing I've ever experienced to the two translucent figures of little girls approaching me was being attacked by a smack of jellyfish while I was deep sea diving searching for one of the 92 nuclear warheads lost at sea. Where is all of this coming from I kept thinking to myself while my heart was pounding. Did Chuck or Slash slip something into my Slippery Nipple that he strongly urged me to guzzle while I was admiring their cowbell and bongo drumming skills? While all of this was happening I started to greatly fear that Julia was...
... not an ordinary woman, but something terrible, an old, cosmic evil that has waited millions of years for its time. I screamed in panic, for the two translucent figures of little girls were no more than 2 feet from me, staring at me, smiling sinisterly.
