I understand and I relate deeply. It has only been a couple of years since I have started breaking out of my self-destructive habits, including blaming myself for every single thing, and while it's not perfect it's truly phenomenal how much clarity you can gain when even some of that burden can be lifted. It's difficult to see how anything can get better when all you know is that everything is horrible and that it is only going to get worse. When our minds are used to nothing but negativity, we unintentionally end up creating a cycle in which our brain generates these thoughts because it sustains themselves off of them; it's all it knows, but it's not all it has to know. It's not our fault that we end up this way, but it is our responsibility to care for ourselves and be for ourselves what nobody else can be.
I don't want to give potentially bad or unsolicited advice as I don't think I'm the shining example of how to approach mental health. But I promise you if you work towards finding peace within yourself, you will find it. For many years I expected it to be handed to me on a silver platter. But the truth was that I wasn't ready to improve myself, I wasn't willing to be responsible for myself and face my demons head-on. I thought it was just going to happen automatically or that someone, or something, was going to make it happen for me. It took many years of sinking lower and lower until it hit me like 20 tons of bricks that it was my own subconscious holding me back. It stung, and it was very sudden, but once it clicked it gave me an outlook on life that I didn't think I'd have.
Some days I feel like I have a resolute determination to keep going. Some days I feel like the only thing that keeps me going is pure spite because I'm so frustrated at myself. But I know one day I'll get there, and I know one day you will get there too.
