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Trying To Navigate Through Endless Darkness

LayLo30

LayLo30

Tourist
To be truly honest, I am going through extreme waves of depression, guilt, shame, and regrets all of the time. Dealing with how this lifestyle has impacted my whole life. Especially in these past 10 years. Of course I knew that I would have to prepare myself for what all may come with it once I decided to give more of myself up to this side of taboo. Giving into the temptations and urges to take small peeks in secret, in-between long periods of time.

I knew that if I allowed myself to dig deeper into it, I would end up finding myself in a hole that I wouldn't be able to get myself out of. Putting myself in a very dangerous situation which would only make my journey in this life so complicated, so terrifying, so... Fucked up and unforgiving.

I walk around in this world just existing.... Pretending to be strong. To be at peace. I feel like I'm just a shell of what was once a human being. I know that this will never end. I feel out of place and unwanted in every aspect of my life. Trying to get through it all, but it's hard. Idk. Sorry for the rant.
 
tomorrow, it will be a week since i buried my latest lover. a year since i buried one before him, my princess. in three months it will be five years since i buried my first. there will be more. that's the curse of zoo-exclusivity. i'll never get "the one", "grow old with" or "make family with" one.

in a world where they're mostly treated as objects, properties. noone will ever know what they really meant.

you know nothing of darkness.
 
nekdoneco123 said:
tomorrow, it will be a week since i buried my latest lover. a year since i buried one before him, my princess. in three months it will be five years since i buried my first. there will be more. that's the curse of zoo-exclusivity. i'll never get "the one", "grow old with" or "make family with" one.

in a world where they're mostly treated as objects, properties. noone will ever know what they really meant.

you know nothing of darkness.
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To say I know nothing of darkness, when you don't even know half of what I deal with is crazy. We have different experiences. But that doesn't mean that I don't know what it's like to feel depressed.
 
You aren't alone OP. I spent decades shunning my attraction to animals and have attempted to "kick it" many times. Maybe I would have a different life if I had not done that. Maybe it would have been better or worse, who's to say?

No matter what it has been a big stress on my life and only recently I have decided to embrace and accept it, no longer denying it. We are on this planet for a finite time and it is up to us to make the best of it. I finally agreed that there is no use trying to push it away, it is part of who I am no matter how abnormal it is compared to the rest of society.
 
LayLo30 said:
To say I know nothing of darkness, when you don't even know half of what I deal with is crazy. We have different experiences. But that doesn't mean that I don't know what it's like to feel depressed.
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do tell then.
your OP looks like another case of "oh, woe is me i'm attracted to animals." as if there was anything at all shameful or regretful about it.
 
Dude, @nekdoneco123 just lay off and move on. Don't you think this is really making you look like a clown? That's what you basically did to me too, just because you feel entitled to scold everyone for not "suffering" enough, for not being a "zoophile to the core" and crying for lost pets because you have nothing better to do.

Just leave people alone man. You did that to me, I tried my best to ignore you, although you kept harassing me by replying very hurtful things and avoiding any resolutions. That's not normal, that's not how a man of your age should behave. I get that man, maybe we were close and I deeply hurt you, but for long I heard you do the same with others. Did they joke on your mental health too? Or you get offended by everything?
Let's be real about it, you're upsetting others because you can't control and deal with your internal negativity, something you had so long and forgot life ain't about being a negative nightmare of a person.

Some others have issues too, even bigger than yours, and don't complain one bit about that. No one is entitled to do so, so just move on with that and fix your problems, not project them on others.

I apologise to the other people in the forum for making this long, unrelated post here, but it's about an old grudge that needs to be addressed. This will be the last reply I'll give it here
 
Yuri1944 said:
I tried my best to ignore you, although you kept harassing me by replying very hurtful things and avoiding any resolutions.
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i "kept harassing you by replying very hurtful things"? where? i don't give a single fuck about you. i said one thing that needed to be said. you threw the first stone.

i get you're trying to be viewed as an adult ever since you paid a prostitute to fuck you, but it takes a bit more than that... it shows if you're seeing my initial reply here as some sort of "projection" (do look up what that is please). just trying to make the dude/dudette see there are actual things to feel depressed about like loss. the feeling of having someone you deeply love ripped away from you for no reason whatsoever, permanently. to be cursed to live through that over and over. not this "am a bit sad i'm attracted to animals".
 
nekdoneco123 said:
i "kept harassing you by replying very hurtful things"? where? i don't give a single fuck about you. i said one thing that needed to be said. you threw the first stone.

i get you're trying to be viewed as an adult ever since you paid a prostitute to fuck you, but it takes a bit more than that... it shows if you're seeing my initial reply here as some sort of "projection" (do look up what that is please). just trying to make the dude/dudette see there are actual things to feel depressed about like loss. the feeling of having someone you deeply love ripped away from you for no reason whatsoever, permanently. to be cursed to live through that over and over. not this "am a bit sad i'm attracted to animals".
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Don't be such a surface level fuck. Some of us deal with shit you know nothing about. But please continue to explain to us why we should give a damn about you when you can't give an ounce of a motherfuck about another person. You get no sympathy from me due to your engagement with other people on the forum. Catch the hint.
 
Southpaw303 said:
Don't be such a surface level fuck. Some of us deal with shit you know nothing about. But please continue to explain to us why we should give a damn about you when you can't give an ounce of a motherfuck about another person. You get no sympathy from me due to your engagement with other people on the forum. Catch the hint.
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What makes you think I don't care about what others go through? I don't know how you came to that conclusion. All I did was open up to the community about how I was feeling in hopes for some encouragement from others who can relate in some way. You dont have to be so hateful. I wasn't seeking pity, I dug myself into this hole, I just didn't think that I would upset so many people for just taking a moment to vent.

And I mean no harm by this, but for you to say what you said to me, lets me know that you have and are dealing with a lot of pain. Probably been through way more shit than I ever would in 2 lifetimes. But just take a moment to self reflect about how you just replied to me. From my end it made me feel like you were upset at me because you feel like I don't care about anyone else. And you made that point very clear. But if you feel so strongly about that opinion, the least you could do is lead by example. Show others some compassion regardless of who has been through worse or not. It's not a competition.

I feel like anyone who has dealt with worse in life, could actually teach me a lot. So with that all being said.. I am open to talk anytime. You and everyone else is more than welcome to inbox me. Tell me about your pain, trauma, grief, regrets, and more. Take a chance to get to know me a little more before you just jump to conclusions and telling me that I am someone that I am not.

I hope that this doesn't make you more angry with me, that is not my intentions at all. But I also do understand that there are people in this world who seem to be stuck in a very bitter and cold mindset. Which is understandable. This cruel world can do that to the best of us. I wish you a good day. Sincerely
 
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LayLo30 said:
What makes you think I don't care about what others go through? I don't know how you came to that conclusion. All I did was open up to the community about how I was feeling in hopes for some encouragement from others who can relate in some way. You dont have to be so hateful. I wasn't seeking pity, I dug myself into this hole, I just didn't think that I would upset so many people for just taking a moment to vent.

And I mean no harm by this, but for you to say what you said to me, lets me know that you have and are dealing with a lot of pain. Probably been through way more shit than I ever would in 2 lifetimes. But just take a moment to self reflect about how you just replied to me. From my end it made me feel like you were upset at me because you feel like I don't care about anyone else. And you made that point very clear. But if you feel so strongly about that opinion, the least you could do is lead by example. Show others some compassion regardless of who has been through worse or not. It's not a competition.

I feel like anyone who has dealt with worse in life, could actually teach me a lot. So with that all being said.. I am open to talk anytime. You and everyone else is more than welcome to inbox me. Tell me about your pain, trauma, grief, regrets, and more. Take a chance to get to know me a little more before you just jump to conclusions and telling me that I am someone that I am not.

I hope that this doesn't make you more angry with me, that is not my intentions at all. But I also do understand that there are people in this world who seem to be stuck in a very bitter and cold mindset. Which is understandable. This cruel world can do that to the best of us. I wish you a good day. Sincerely
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the guy was replying to my post...
 
Happens to the best of us. I've only been actively accepting myself as I am for a few years and whenever I do something with my horsey friends I still feel so guilty, ashamed and awful, yet I know I can't and mustn't fight it. It takes time and guts but one must eventually find self forgiveness. This is who I am and what nature wants me to be and I love it. I'm happy to be myself and to share this sacred deep bond with non humans-
 
When I was young I had the same problem. Came to terms when I saw that human society often is a lie and the ones who are labeling themself the most decent are the worst. If you truly care for your partner and respect them theres nothing bad at all
 
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