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Terrible Puns and Dad Jokes

Canada is a land of goofy dopes. Ontario's got hosers, the prairies've got north-of-Fargo hosers and cowhosers, the west coast has its breathy hippie hosers, and Quebec's just a heavy metal mess. But all the things that make Canada's hosers hosers--dressing like a 70s extra, drinking whatever beer your province sells cheapest, listening to music you have to drink shitty beer to listen to, and talking like a habitual gas huffer--all are at their most extreme on the east coast. And Newfoundland is the east coast of the east coast. Newfoundlanders, or "Newfies" are heavy-drinking, cod-fishing, funny-talking island folk that didn't join Canada until 1949. They are almost as easy a target as the French...


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A newfie named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Clem took one look and said, "Nope, ain't Clyde."

Just to be safe the mortician brought in Zeke and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician asked "How can you tell? Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say 'Here comes Clyde with them two assholes.' "
 
What do you get when you cross a cow and bazooka?
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Utter destruction
 
Y'all heard about the old chick with the wooden dildo....yeah...she went to the ER complaining about splinters. The surgeon told her she had to stop...before she got an infection.

She gasped and cried, "You mean....NO more Hickory Dickery, Doc?"?
 
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Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?

A: A milk dud or an Utter failure?
 
Y'all hear they've put Leapfrog on the Olympic Sports list for the coming year....?

I heard the Rule is: All players MUST Complete the Jump.
 
Fella walks into a pharmacy, sweet young clerk asks if she can help him. He says "Yes, I need some baby powder"
She says "Oh yes..over here....
Walk this way, please..."
Man watches her a minute and says,
" Missy, If I could walk THAT way, I wouldn't need the baby powder!"
 
Avon lady on the job walks into an elevator. Suddenly she has a ferocious gas pain....no one is in the Elevator, so she lets a ripe one fly... like to peel the paint off the Elevator car...its vile....so she reaches into the sample box, pulls out a piney air freshener and empties the can.....
Three floors up, a fella gets in pushes his floor button, then goes pale as he catches a whiff....
Our sales gal says "Doesnt our new product smell great?"
Fella says" Great? Lady, it smells like someone shit a Christmas Tree!"
 
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