Terrible Puns and Dad Jokes

[egoldstein]

3 men walk ino a bar, you'd think they would have seen it!

 

[FloofyNewfie]

 

[RandomNameGenerated]

What do you call Santa’s helpers?


Subordinate clauses

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

 

[TrinityKnott2]

The dentist told My wife to get braces.
Now the dogs kids keep getting stuck in her teeth.

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

 

[FloofyNewfie]

If you have to tell a secret and your only options are to tell it to a clock, a candle, or milk jug.

Never tell the clock...

Because only time will tell.

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

If you have to tell a secret and you're only options are to tell it to a clock, a candle, or milk jug.

Never tell the clock...

Because only time will tell.

That reminds me of this one

I don't trust stairs. They are always up to something

 

[FloofyNewfie]

That reminds me of this one

I don't trust stairs. They are always up to something

Don't trust elevators, there's a good chance they'll let you down!

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

Don't trust elevators, there's a good chance they'll let you down!

Same with trees. They're shady.

 

[FloofyNewfie]

Same with trees. They're shady.

I don't trust mimes either. They do unspeakable things!

These puns are getting painful!

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

I don't trust mimes either. They do unspeakable things!

These puns are getting painful!

No they aren't. They're like corduroy pillows. They are making headlines

 

[TrinityKnott2]

What's better than eating a Mandarin?
Eating Amanda out

 

[s8_Sinder]

What's your favorite pizza topping?

Cheesey buns

 

[FloofyNewfie]

 

[Labraguy5]

 

[Godhorse77]

What's the difference between a mafia and eating a girl out?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

 

[bighorse19]

How bout this

 

[Labialover]

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

what's another name for the cleavage between two large breasts?

nocilis yellav !TURN BACK.

 

[Taopony]

 

[SxaBeast]

Why did the Hemingway chicken cross the road?
To die.
In the rain.

 

[FloofyNewfie]

 

[Godhorse77]

My wife told me I need to stop pretending to be a flamingo

So I put my foot down

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

I watched a fish slam face first into an underwater wall.
Dam.

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

A man assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese.
How dairy.

 

[Godhorse77]

Someone broke into my house and stolen my glasses

Don't worry I have contacts

 

[Puhp]

 

[Godhorse77]

Here's one I made up

What type of condom does a frog get?
Ribbit for her pleasure

 

[Cajlatsa]

How does Moses brew coffee? Hebrews it

 

[FloofyNewfie]

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

A: "Dam."

1) Q) What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

1)A) DAM!

I watched a fish slam face first into an underwater wall.
Dam.