Terrible Puns and Dad Jokes

[saddlebum66]

Terrible story in the news tonight about a man who ran over himself....!

he asked his wife to go pick up a six-pack, and she said no....so he ran over himself.

 

[RandomNameGenerated]

The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years.


Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

 

[saddlebum66]

The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years.


Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

But he ate well, so at least they weren't wasted.

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

A polar bear was driving along the road when his car broke down. He called the recovery service who arrived within a short time. The mechanic said he would need about an hour to fix it. The polar bear walked to the nearest supermarket, where he bought himself an ice-cream. He ate it as he walked back to the car, but smeared some of it around his mouth.

As he got back to the car, the mechanic looks up at the polar bear and says 'it looks like you've blown a seal'. The polar bear looks embarrassed, wipes his mouth, and says 'No I haven't, it's just ice-cream’!

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

I opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

Whenever I see a female bus driver, I stop and think about just how far we've come as a society.

Then I wait for the next bus.

 

[milabue]

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies

 

[milabue]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the opossum that it could be done.

 

[milabue]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
Only two.

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

What’s the difference between a vampire and an anemic?
One sucks blood, the other’s blood sucks.

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.

 

[milabue]

I love the pain a bad pun gives. I love it when I see how much pain my pun gives. Could punning be sado-masochistic?

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

It's okay if your phone autocorrects 'fuck' to 'duck.' You're still using fowl language.

 

[milabue]

Wise man say: dog who run after car become exhausted.

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.

 

[milabue]

Wise man say, however, that dog who run in front of car get tired.

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues.

 

[milabue]

Wise man also say that dog who run with Marines become fatigued.

 

[Ted Danson Machine]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

 

[milabue]

Wise man say, however, that dog who run into Cruella's clothing store get worn out.