sorry you never had a chance...

nekdoneco123

Esteemed Citizen of ZV
i can't really think about much else these past days besides losing a whole litter of puppies (two boys and two girls) on saturday so i figured "sharing the burden" might help at least a bit with moving on. it did when George died last year. sorry if it gets incoherent. i'm just gonna write stuff as it pops in my head.

i'm sorry you never had a chance, all the odds were stacked against you and the house always wins. i'm sorry none of you ever got to have a name or that two of you never even got to experience the very first thing every one of us got to experience, to be born. you went out already dead, discarded like some sort of waste.

i'm sorry none of you got to feel the very first sensation all living creatures get to feel, mother's love. i don't know why she did what she did. what the fuck happened that she laid on one of you and suffocated you and devoured the one that was left a few hours later? was she just clumsy and didn't see you there as she was preparing to push again? did she even see you as hers? did she see the last one of you as food? did she really just not care? maybe i have it all wrong and she actually gave you the best thing a mother can give to her children, somehow sensed there's something wrong and spared you a life of poor health and pain? i don't know...

i don't know why life is this unfair, uncaring bitch or what makes it so fucking special you were somehow deemed unworthy to experience it... i don't even know if there really is some invisible bastard in the sky (and he fucking knows what i think of him ever since George happened) taking sick pleasure from ending you. i certainly hope there is some special place over the rainbow bridge and you maybe get to grow up there, maybe George will be there, too. maybe he'll recognize you were mine as i was his. maybe you'll wait for me with him. if there even is a way for you to ever recognize me... all of you felt my touch, but none of you got to see me.

is the answer why happened what happened as simple as "i jinxed it"? was the bad luck that seems to stick to me my whole life enough to seal your fate the moment i stopped calling you "a pregnancy scare" and actually started looking forward to meeting all of you?

i'm sorry i'm still not a "mr.photograph person" and now i have literally nothing to prove you were ever even here. i'm sorry i'm not mad at your mother for what she did, i love her far too much for that... i'm sorry all your potential, whatever could have been, all the good and bad experiences we could have had (let's face it, there was a very small chance i would really ever put you up for adoption) will be soon reduced to just another one of these deep dark thoughts that only surface when depression hits or when i'm alone just with my thoughts or when i'm starting to feel happiness.... you should have been my happiness... one or maybe even all of you could have been my next George.

i'm sorry this is most likely going to turn me into even more bitter person... maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will
i'm sorry i'm trying to get over you....
 

chrispbacon

Zooville Settler
Oh I'm so damn sorry for you. This must be heartbreaking!
How is the mother right now? She probably didn't have any I'll intentions. We may never know what was up with this litter.
You must be really kind. I'm not sure if many people would look forward to their dog giving birth.

I wish you the best of luck getting over them. You still have your girl! I bet the puppies wouldn't have liked if you'd never get over them
 

nekdoneco123

Esteemed Citizen of ZV
Oh I'm so damn sorry for you. This must be heartbreaking!
How is the mother right now? She probably didn't have any I'll intentions. We may never know what was up with this litter.
You must be really kind. I'm not sure if many people would look forward to their dog giving birth.

I wish you the best of luck getting over them. You still have your girl! I bet the puppies wouldn't have liked if you'd never get over them
she's doing fine physically, we've been to the vet and everything is fine. no infection, no leakage, her uterus is shrinking back down.
mentally, it's pretty rough. i've read somewhere that dogs (well all non-human animals apparently) don't feel remorse. what she's doing feels a lot like remorse. she spends lots of time on the spot where the crib was and whines or runs around the garden and whines a lot too almost as if she's looking for them. she also seemingly randomly lashes out on my other dogs so i keep them separate when i'm not home, for the time being.

the vet thoroughly interrogated me on how the labour went, what i did, what my girl did etc to maybe try to shed some light on why happened what happened. she stopped me when i talked about one of the stillborn pups having a gash behind the neck. i thought the mother did it, the vet thought it might have actually been a cleft (a developmental defect). she then explained to me that expecting mothers in the animal world can somehow sense something's wrong with their offspring as they develop and willingly slow down or even stop the labour which kinda checks out since she carried them for almost a full week longer than expected. it can also explain why she did what she did, she simply deemed them "no-good"

i hate that life deals in fucking absolutes and all of them were "unworthy" of it... if only just one made it... just fucking one.
 

j217

Citizen of Zooville
It's tough enough to bury an animal that died after a full life (which I've done several times). It must be so much worse when they never even got to live at all. The only way I found to deal with the pain was to let myself feel it, and in time, maybe a long time, it slowly goes down, but never goes away completely. My heart goes out to you.
 

HugDoggy

Citizen of Zooville
I don't think anything I could say will bring you any real comfort, just know there are people out there that care, I was close to tears thinking about what you and your girl have gone through. Hang in there and cry your eyes out if you have to, what ever makes you feel a tiny bit better. And hopefully with time it won't hurt so much as it does now.
 

Huskeroni

Tourist
Oh, this is rough, the entire litter of pups that still had their live before them! Your other thread was heartbreaking to read, and I think I can't even remotely comprehend how you must feel. There's nothing you could have done for the stillborns and I reckon she was very exhausted after such a long labor that she didn't notice the pup, but who expects that to happen? I am deeply sorry for the losses you and your girl had to go through :(
 

Fiber

Zooville Settler
I'm sorry for you and for the pups. I know exactly what it feels because I had to go through the same.

A full litter of Golden R's didn't survive. Some were born dead, the others lived just a few minutes. I was devastated when the mother took the last one alive, run away and eat him, I couldn't get it out of her mouth.
They all had cleft palate. They wouldn't have survived anyway.
So don't be so mad at yourself or your girl.
 
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