Share your best and Favorite jokes.

CetaceanLover23

Esteemed Citizen of ZV
You can share jokes from other people and comedians, but please NO plagiarism and write who said the joke Or where you got it from. If it's your joke, please make that known.

Who do you call a man with no arms and legs draped in front of a door?
A: Matt.

-www.jokes4us.com
 
New Rule: If you bought the new smart cup that can connect to WiFi and tells you what's inside it. Then congratulations you're dumber than a cup. Finally a cup that tells me when I have no idea what I'm drinking. Is it a smoothie, lets ask the cup! Who could possibly need these other than woman dating Bill Cosby?
 
This man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He askes the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. So the man whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So the man turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying. The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked the man how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry? He said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, then I showed him.
 
IS SEX WORK?

(UK Military humour)
A RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. God Bless the lower ranks.
 
I remember hearing this joke in high school; it was originally rather racist, so I'm using occupations instead of races in this version. Here it is:

A blacksmith, a shepherd and a plumber have been summoned to an audience with a king. The king's daughter was to be wed, but her suitor must complete 3 tasks before the suitor can take her hand in marriage. The king orders the three men to complete the following tasks: swim across the river, jump over a barbed wire fence, and fuck a cow.

When the three men reach the river, they dive and exert themselves in swimming across to the opposite bank. The plumber and the shepherd make it across, but the blacksmith drowns.

When the remaining two men reach the barbed wire fence, both men attempt to leap over the fence. The plumber clears the fence, but the shepherd gets his scrotum caught on the barbs and is eliminated.

The last remaining man, the plumber, reaches the cow, but during the attempt, the cow bowls the plumber over and tramples him.

As the king waits impatiently, he gives a sigh of relief as the doors to his court open wide to a fanfare for the victor. The victor was the plumber, approaching the king in a disheveled mess; muddied and with hoof-prints all over him. As the king grants the victor his daughter's hand in marriage, the plumber simply replies:

Keep the princess, I want the cow!
 
New Rule: If you tell someone to kiss your ass and they have to reply with, "which one"? You may have a weight problem. And this is probably why Chris Christie is so irritable all the time. His head is actually on backwards.
 
Guy walks into a bar carrying a huge bullfrog. He sets the frog on the bar and waves the barkeep over. (ribbit)

Barkeep says “you can’t have that frog in here, you two have to go.”

Guys says “but this a special frog.“

Barkeep says “I don’t care, he has to go.” (Ribbit)

Guy says “this frog is like no other, he eats pussy. he has a really long tongue and really works it in there and licks for hours.”

(Ribbit.....ribbit)
Bartender says “Well, that frog is special! What would you like to drink? (Ribbit) First one is on the house.”

Guy says “Give me a 12 year old Scotch and a Tonic for the frog.”

A woman saunters up and sits next to the man with the frog. (Ribbit...ribbit)

The woman says “I happened to overhear you talking about your pet frog and how special he is. Does he really eat pussy?”

Guy says “Sure does. He really gets it done.” (Ribbit)

Woman says “do you mind if try out your frog?”

Guy says “Not at all. Your place? (Ribbit....ribbit)

They go back to her place. She gets undressed and lays on the bed. She opens her legs, bends her knees and gets ready for a good tongue job. He places the frog down on the bed between her legs, points him at her muff and says “OK frog.... eat the pussy!”

Ribbit....

Woman says “he isn’t doing anything. Am I doing it right?”

Guy says “he usually gets right in there and and gets right to it. Let me get him a little closer”

He pushes the frog up where he has his little groggy face right up in her snatch.

Ribbit.....ribbit....

Woman says “he is not doing anything.”

Guy reaches down and picks up the frog and hods him in front of his face and says “OK frog, I am only going to show you how to do this one more time.....”
 
Priest and a rabbi are sitting at an outdoor cafe having a coffee and the priest points across the street at a kid and says to the rabbi, “Let’s go across the street and fuck that little boy”.

The rabbi says, “Outta what?”
 
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?


The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.


The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'


The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'


By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been captured by Very Angry Native Americans (political correct version). They both are tied to a stake standing on a pile of wood. Tonto whispers to the Lone Ranger “rope on hand loose, soon free”. The Lone Ranger whispers to Tonto and he breaks free and runs off into the night.

A while later Tonto returns with three beautiful Saloon Girls. The Lone Ranger yells at Tonto, “I said posse, POSSE!
 
what fits neatly between a sheilas tits, gets longer when pulled and works best when jerked hard?
a seat belt.
little johny is in english class and teacher gives him a word and tells him to make a sentence, john, your word is beetroot. little johny says, you can root a beet but you cant beetaroot. next day his word is urinate. so litty johny thinks for a minute and says, my daddy says your an eight but when you where that mini dress your a ten.
heard through other peopls
 
What happens when a fly drops 6 inches...
A fish is swimming in a river when it sees a fly above. The fish thinks to itself, "If that fly would only drop six inches I could jump up and have some lunch."
Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish and the fly and thinks to itself "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water and I can stick my paw out, catch the fish, and I could have some lunch."
Up a ways on an elevated bluff sits a hunter. This hunter sees the fly, the fish, and the bear and thinks to himself, "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water, that bear will stick it's paw out to catch the fish giving me a clear shot, and I could have some lunch"
In the bushes next to the hunter sits a field mouse. The mouse sees the fly, the fish, the bear, and the hunter and thinks to itself, "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water, that bear will stick it's paw out to catch the fish giving that hunter a clear shot, at which point he'll drop his sandwich, and I could have some lunch"
Well up just a bit higher from the hunter and a mouse sits a mountain lion. Now the mountain lion sees the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter, and the mouse and thinks to itself, "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water, that bear will stick it's paw out to catch the fish giving that hunter a clear shot, at which point he'll drop his sandwich and the mouse will jump out the bushes allowing me to pounce on it, and I could have some lunch"
Sure enough the fly drops six inches at which point the fish jumps up to catch the fly, the bear steps forward to catch the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich to shoot the bear, the mouse jumps out of the bushes to eat the sandwich, and the mountain lion jumps off its perch to eat the mouse. Except the mountain lion misses and goes tumbling down the hill into the river.
The moral of this story is: Every time a fly drops six inches a pussy is bound to get wet.
 
I remember hearing this joke in high school; it was originally rather racist, so I'm using occupations instead of races in this version. Here it is:

A blacksmith, a shepherd and a plumber have been summoned to an audience with a king. The king's daughter was to be wed, but her suitor must complete 3 tasks before the suitor can take her hand in marriage. The king orders the three men to complete the following tasks: swim across the river, jump over a barbed wire fence, and fuck a cow.

When the three men reach the river, they dive and exert themselves in swimming across to the opposite bank. The plumber and the shepherd make it across, but the blacksmith drowns.

When the remaining two men reach the barbed wire fence, both men attempt to leap over the fence. The plumber clears the fence, but the shepherd gets his scrotum caught on the barbs and is eliminated.

The last remaining man, the plumber, reaches the cow, but during the attempt, the cow bowls the plumber over and tramples him.

As the king waits impatiently, he gives a sigh of relief as the doors to his court open wide to a fanfare for the victor. The victor was the plumber, approaching the king in a disheveled mess; muddied and with hoof-prints all over him. As the king grants the victor his daughter's hand in marriage, the plumber simply replies:

Keep the princess, I want the cow!
Stealing this for the bestiality jokes thread!
 
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