He was my little boy, and he's gone now

I can't think, it's taking every once of strength I have to type this out rn. Its just, I can't take it, I've never felt a sadness as profound as this before. I want god to exist but I think he please. The only thing that made me happy is dead now. This is the last footage I took of him before he died of a tick-borne illness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWszgJzxgqg His name was Felix.