Do You Ever Sometimes Feel At Fault For Being A Zoophile?

[Messmer]

that genuinely sucks, i'm sorry
i don't have much advice about this whole thing but honestly if i were you i'd do my best to just focus on the fact that you do truly know you're not at fault, even if your brain keeps telling you you are.

this might sound dumb at first, but have you considered journaling? it might help sort your thoughts out a little more :3

trust me, I know it sucks.
Even though I do know that it objectively isn't my fault because I don't control my brain, I still blame myself for it.
I have thought about journaling, but I'm too afraid that my family will find it, so I can't.

 

[Messmer]

Well, if it has the side benefit of keeping you off alcohol for a while, all the better.

Yeah... I like alcohol though, numbs the pain.

 

[WolfieOK]

When we are born, we need attachment. You mentioned ASD, and other terrible things that happened as a child. We as children respond as well as we can and adapt accordingly to our caregivers attentions or lack there of. Seems your intellect allowed you to connect and hence form attachment with dolphins. Nothing in the stages you list addresses how important the mother/child bond is and how that relationship, especially in the first 1000 days of life, forever informs the child subconsciously how they will relate to others. I think that it is crucial, especially when we as westerners have to quantitatively describe sexual development, completely gloss over the fact that we are innately pleasure seeking creatures needing constant tactile stimulation from birth. Lack there of sublimates into where it can find refuge. In your instance, it manifests in the profound attraction to the intimacy displayed by cetaceans and I'm gonna guess profound lack there of from other hominids in your environment. Humans are the most fucked up mammal on the planet. Look at any other social predator that cooperates to survive and affection and contact between individuals from birth fill their lives. Does a wolf shame another wolf for liking genital licking? How about lions? Do male lions shame each other for liking other male lions? No, it's how they bond and create a community. How about bonobos? Sex and intimacy define how they relate to each other. It's not your fault you are a mammal with deep deep needs for attachment and our subjective reductionist culture which dissects instead of bringing together individuals derails and cloaks this basic mammalian need as needing to be explained away or dysfunctional. Truly, it's not your fault.

 

[Messmer]

When we are born, we need attachment. You mentioned ASD, and other terrible things that happened as a child. We as children respond as well as we can and adapt accordingly to our caregivers attentions or lack there of. Seems your intellect allowed you to connect and hence form attachment with dolphins. Nothing in the stages you list addresses how important the mother/child bond is and how that relationship, especially in the first 1000 days of life, forever informs the child subconsciously how they will relate to others. I think that it is crucial, especially when we as westerners have to quantitatively describe sexual development, completely gloss over the fact that we are innately pleasure seeking creatures needing constant tactile stimulation from birth. Lack there of sublimates into where it can find refuge. In your instance, it manifests in the profound attraction to the intimacy displayed by cetaceans and I'm gonna guess profound lack there of from other hominids in your environment. Humans are the most fucked up mammal on the planet. Look at any other social predator that cooperates to survive and affection and contact between individuals from birth fill their lives. Does a wolf shame another wolf for liking genital licking? How about lions? Do male lions shame each other for liking other male lions? No, it's how they bond and create a community. How about bonobos? Sex and intimacy define how they relate to each other. It's not your fault you are a mammal with deep deep needs for attachment and our subjective reductionist culture which dissects instead of bringing together individuals derails and cloaks this basic mammalian need as needing to be explained away or dysfunctional. Truly, it's not your fault.

I've said this before but I'll say it again, even though I know it's objectively not my fault, my brain still blames itself because that's how it copes with everything that's happened to me. I'm also pretty sure I've figured out exactly why my brain is blaming itself.

 

[Messmer]

Let me make one thing clear, just in case anyone's a little confused: I'm not ashamed or disgusted (most of the time) about these sexual feelings I have towards bottlenose dolphins, and I'm absolutely not saying anyone should. All I'm saying is that I (me, independently) feel personally responsible for the mental implementation of my zoophilia, regardless of if I had control over how my brain developed it. This also includes anything related to it, such as betrayal of trust, exploitation, and ridicule/scorning.

 

[doglover200032]

No but I do need to be careful and not get outed fear of losing my job my dad finding out or my friends never talking to me again or never being able to be around dogs or horses anymore

 

[btdc69]

TL;DR:
Do you even slightly think your sexual attraction to animals is your fault?

I don't believe so.

I've had a deep love for animals, especially canines, for as long as I can remember, far predating sexual desire. I never felt right around other people, like I couldn't relate to them and they couldn't relate to me; they were uncomfortable. Animals, on the other hand, I felt like I understood them and they understood me in a way my peers couldn't. My sexual attraction to them happened naturally, I loved animals and when I had those interests I just looked for animals "doing it", it felt logical to me. I think the first "pornographic" thing I ever watched as a video of wolves mating on YouTube, and I was enthralled by it, I thought it was beautiful. Needless to say, my earliest sexual thoughts involved animals, and I imagined myself as an animal as well.

I'm a therian and I'm not entirely positive if there is a correlation between the therianthropy and zoophilia. I'm not entirely convinced there is, as while canines are my primary attraction (and I have a pretty significant bias towards my theriotype), I'm sexually attracted to just about every kind of animal under the sun to be honest.

I think it can be a mixture of factors. I believe at our core we are hard-wired into certain predispositions, and the events you experience in your life shape how those come to fruition. To phrase it more eloquently, I believe we are born with our immutable characteristics or tendencies, and the way in which those manifest and grow is subject to your lived experience.

I'm not zoo-exclusive, I do experience some sexual attraction to humans, though that developed a few years after my sexual attraction to animals began. I'm somewhere between homosexual/demisexual. On the flip side, I'm sexually attracted to male/female animals equally.

I can't explain why I'm not straight. I can't explain why I'm zoo. I can't explain why my zoo preferences do not align with my human preferences, this is just how I've always been, no matter how hard I tried to change it. And believe me, I tried incredibly hard in my early years to change my sexuality, both in regards to humans and animals.

I have thought about journaling, but I'm too afraid that my family will find it, so I can't.

You could download a journaling app on your phone or computer, or even just use a note taking app if that would help. There is a certain grounding/calming ritual in the act of writing on paper that gets lost that way, but it achieves the same thing in the end. Or you could have a physical journal for certain topics and a digital journal for more private ones.

I don't journal often, but I find that having a space where I can type out all of my word vomit is nice (especially since I type really fast and my brain goes at 10 million mph), where I can save a physical journal for more composed/focused writings.

Let me make one thing clear, just in case anyone's a little confused: I'm not ashamed or disgusted (most of the time) about these sexual feelings I have towards bottlenose dolphins, and I'm absolutely not saying anyone should. All I'm saying is that I (me, independently) feel personally responsible for the mental implementation of my zoophilia, regardless of if I had control over how my brain developed it. This also includes anything related to it, such as betrayal of trust, exploitation, and ridicule/scorning.

Like I mentioned above, I would consider "true" zoophilia to be an immutable characteristic of sexuality, like a seed that grows based on your experiences in your formative years. I don't think it's unreasonable to imagine that, hypothetically, while you have that predisposition, it was your ASD that led to a special fixation on bottlenose dolphins, which led to your attraction manifesting that way. I don't think it's "your fault" you have that attraction, because it was a series of innocuous events combined with circumstances out of your control that brewed the "perfect storm". But I believe at that point it's down to the rigidity in which we are defining "fault".

I'm just some random asshole on the internet so take my psychoanalysis with a grain of salt. It's not particularly scientifically based on anything and rather just my own musings, but I hope it's interesting at the very least.

 

[Pretty_Vixen]

Until I joined Zv, I never felt guilt or anything for what I am. I didn't give it a thought, to be honest. I just assumed I was what I am. I didn't think it weird I liked being fucked by animals (dogs), it was just part of my sexuality and felt perfectly normal. I guess I am one of the lucky ones?

 

[Messmer]

You could download a journaling app on your phone or computer, or even just use a note taking app if that would help. There is a certain grounding/calming ritual in the act of writing on paper that gets lost that way, but it achieves the same thing in the end. Or you could have a physical journal for certain topics and a digital journal for more private ones.

I don't journal often, but I find that having a space where I can type out all of my word vomit is nice (especially since I type really fast and my brain goes at 10 million mph), where I can save a physical journal for more composed/focused writings.

I did recently actually buy a really small notebook for me to write what I'm feeling down. My plan is just to keep it on my person at all times, so there's no chance someone could find it without my knowledge.

Like I mentioned above, I would consider "true" zoophilia to be an immutable characteristic of sexuality, like a seed that grows based on your experiences in your formative years. I don't think it's unreasonable to imagine that, hypothetically, while you have that predisposition, it was your ASD that led to a special fixation on bottlenose dolphins, which led to your attraction manifesting that way. I don't think it's "your fault" you have that attraction, because it was a series of innocuous events combined with circumstances out of your control that brewed the "perfect storm". But I believe at that point it's down to the rigidity in which we are defining "fault".

you're probably right, it's very likely that I was just born like this. But my brain is trying to find connections between my childhood and my zoophilia so it can blame itself. I'd do know that, objectively, it's not my fault. Even if it was caused by my research and interest (ASD included) in dolphins, I had no control over how my brain interpreted the information and developed sexual feelings.

However, even knowing all that... I still blame myself.

 

[btdc69]

you're probably right, it's very likely that I was just born like this. But my brain is trying to find connections between my childhood and my zoophilia so it can blame itself. I'd do know that, objectively, it's not my fault. Even if it was caused by my research and interest (ASD included) in dolphins, I had no control over how my brain interpreted the information and developed sexual feelings.

However, even knowing all that... I still blame myself.

In one of your previous messages, you said you're not ashamed/disgusted "most of the time", but you're using language with negative connotations to imply guilt or wrongdoing. So what is the motive behind finding something to blame for your attraction, if not shame? In order to fully understand and accept your attraction, you first have to understand what feelings are holding you back from doing so, and deal with those first. That's easier said than done, because more often than not it can lead to a more complicated roadblock. But any amount of understanding is progress, and it doesn't matter how long it takes.

I did recently actually buy a really small notebook for me to write what I'm feeling down. My plan is just to keep it on my person at all times, so there's no chance someone could find it without my knowledge.

That's a good idea. The journal that I've been using for the past couple of years (and I say "years" because I rarely ever write in it) is also quite small and I always keep it close and hidden.

Sometimes I find it helpful to just sit and contemplate, too. I've tried meditation, and while it helps me to feel calm when I can get into the zone, it doesn't necessarily help me solve my problems. That could be because I've struggled to be consistent with it. I have a hard time understanding my thoughts and feelings and I have to put a lot of effort and mental energy into being able to make sense of a lot of the stuff that weighs heavy on me, so sometimes I find it more productive to just sit and focus on my thoughts. Trying to analyze my feelings, follow the trails, see where they lead, trying to unravel the tangles as I cross them. It's like I dissociate from myself in a way, and I imagine myself as an external body trying to make sense of something foreign. But this is difficult because this can get me riled up or upset if I'm not careful, and I need to know when I need to focus on stabilizing my mood versus trying to do a "deep dive".

I've not had any form of therapy or professional help, and I don't really think I can make serious progress without it to be honest. But I try my best with the ways I know how.

My brain believes it's easier to blame myself for everything that has happened to me in my childhood than accept the alternatives. The alternatives are harder to personally believe, than say everything is my fault.

I empathize with where you're coming from. Truthfully I used to be the exact same way. Hell, I still am. It's a work in progress.

Something I've had to learn as I've gotten older is that being "decent" (not even kind, just decent) to yourself is a skill that you have to train, and that's really hard when you aren't just starting from zero, you are starting from -900000000. Maybe for most people it comes naturally, but I have had to learn through intense pain and hardship that I wasn't going to start seeing positive changes in my life for as long as I continued to be my own personal tormentor. At some point I had to realize that there were a lot of circumstances in my life that I could not control, and I had to find it within myself to open my mind and find contentment with the parts of myself that I could not change. Part of healing is allowing yourself to let go of what no longer serves you. You can't live swimming in guilt, shame, regret, or whatever forever. You cannot forge a future if you are stuck in the past. This is a lesson that I'm still trying to cram through my thick skull. Partially because I'm still struggling to escape my past. But that's besides the point. Lol

Again, I'm just some random fuckface on the internet. I wish I could give you meaningful advice, but honestly taking any step, no matter how small it may seem, could go a long way. Even stepping one nanometer forward is meaningful progress when you are starting from the lowest of lows. But I know what it's like to be there, I know how debilitating it is, and I'm rooting for you.

 

[Messmer]

In one of your previous messages, you said you're not ashamed/disgusted "most of the time", but you're using language with negative connotations to imply guilt or wrongdoing. So what is the motive behind finding something to blame for your attraction, if not shame? In order to fully understand and accept your attraction, you first have to understand what feelings are holding you back from doing so, and deal with those first. That's easier said than done, because more often than not it can lead to a more complicated roadblock. But any amount of understanding is progress, and it doesn't matter how long it takes.I

Okay, it's a little personal, but I don't mind sharing.

Okay, so, back in school I was in a group of friends and I really trusted these friends (like really), we would tell each other everything. Now, I didn't outwardly tell them about my attraction, but I would make small jokes about it, and one day, one of my friends pulled me aside to ask about it. I'd probably trust him with my life, so I told him, and of course he told the others. At the time I only cared slightly as I trusted all of them, but that's when it all went all downhill. First thing they did was exploit me, they'd threaten to tell the other students in our class, or the whole school, our teacher, the TAs, or the headteacher if I didn't do things for them. They still told other students, even when I did the things the asked of me. The teachers definitely knew, as my friends would tell people loudly on purpose so others could hear, including the teachers. There was one time one of them, in our class, was talking to another student and one of the teaching assistants was standing in the doorway, and he basically shouted "Messmer (except he used my real name) wants to fuck dolphins". She 100% heared it. That wasn't all, they would constantly make fun of me, mock, ridicule, and scorn me. This whole ordeal went on for over a year, and only stopped because they graduated before me.

I believe my brain is trying to find reasons to blame itself instead of just accepting the fact my "friends," the people I trusted with my life, completely betrayed me, exploited me, and ridiculed and mocked me for over a year. So it's trying to tell me that what happened with them was all my fault, not theirs.

 

[Messmer]

I do kind of blame myself for what happened with them, and not them.

 

[Tony Montana]

I never felt shame or fault for loving animals. It's a blessing to be a zoo. I wouldn't want it any other way around. Neither do my animal companions.

• Childhood (0-9)
- No true sexual attraction yet
- Children do show curiosity about bodies and differences between sexes, but this is not sexual in the adult sense
• Pre-Adolescence (9-12)
- Hormonal changes begin quietly, causing subtle shifts in interest:
- Curiosity about romance
- First crushes (often non-sexual but still emotionally intense)

You're age scheme seems rather theoretical. At least for me it's not at all what I experienced and witnessed.
My zoophilia was there from the start. I discovered I am a attracted to animals when I was about 4 to 5 years old. I was often around cows in barns to get milk and I played with 'em, let them lick my hands and face, hair. I watched them pee and shit.
I first fell deeply in love (with sexual longings) when I was around 5 years old.

 

[Tony Montana]

I completely understand everything you've just said... I just cant . I just CAN'T! My brain makes be believe every bad thing that has happened to me is my fault, and therefore everything related to it. I can't accept it's not my fault, that's not how my brain operates, it has to blame itself for everything.

That really sucks. Maybe you should consider therapy. Or if that's something for you... you maybe could try a dmt trip guided by a shaman or meditation for that matter? Maybe you can better cope with your zoophilia and overcome your guilt complex this way...!?

 

[Messmer]

I never felt shame or fault for loving animals. It's a blessing to be a zoo. I wouldn't want it any other way around. Neither do my animal companions.

You're age scheme seems rather theoretical. At least for me it's not at all what I experienced and witnessed.
My zoophilia was there from the start. I discovered I am a attracted to animals when I was about 4 to 5 years old. I was often around cows in barns to get milk and I played with 'em, let them lick my hands and face, hair. I watched them pee and shit.
I first fell deeply in love (with sexual longings) when I was around 5 years old.

I know. It wasn't meant to be a be-all-end-all, that perfectly fits everyone in the world. It was just meant to be the average for what was written. I obviously knew that not everyone would resonate with the ages perfecfly. I probably should've written that.

 

[Messmer]

That really sucks. Maybe you should consider therapy. Or if that's something for you... you maybe could try a dmt trip guided by a shaman or meditation for that matter? Maybe you can better cope with your zoophilia and overcome your guilt complex this way...!?

I did try therapy before, granted the therapy was to "cure" my zoophilia but it was still therapy, and it ended catastrophically. I basically came to the conclusion I wasn't "normal," and I should feel ashamed for who I was. That's all I'll say about that because it gets much worse.
But I am currently talking to people, and I'm starting to feel a lot better than I was when I wrote that original post.

I did used to do meditation, and I'm thinking of starting it again, the ones I did were to reduce anxiety and help me sleep, but I'm planning on listening to guided well-being ones in the future.

 

[OwnThatKinkGirl]

Nope. It's no one else's concern.

 

[Tony Montana]

I know. It wasn't meant to be a be-all-end-all, that perfectly fits everyone in the world. It was just meant to be the average for what was written. I obviously knew that not everyone would resonate with the ages perfecfly. I probably should've written that.

Yeah however I wish you luck, to see your zoophilia as something beautiful and to find a way to be around sexy dolphins. I also love dolphins. They're magnificent and perfect creatures.
Have you ever read the book "Wet Goddess" by Malcolm J. Brenner?

 

[Messmer]

Yeah however I wish you luck, to see your zoophilia as something beautiful and to find a way to be around sexy dolphins. I also love dolphins. They're magnificent and perfect creatures.
Have you ever read the book "Wet Goddess" by Malcolm J. Brenner?

I don't have a problem with my zoophilia, I just blame myself for it. I've written a more detailed explanation on it in this thread. I'm sure you could find it easily, it begins with "Let me make one thing clear".

Sadly, no, I have not read Wet Goddess. Although I really want to, I just don't think there's a way I can convince my mum to let me buy it, due to the contents. I can't even secretly buy it because all the book shops I frequent don't sell it. When I get my own place I'll buy it then.

 

[Tony Montana]

I did try therapy before, granted the therapy was to "cure" my zoophilia but it was still therapy, and it ended catastrophically. I basically came to the conclusion I wasn't "normal," and I should feel ashamed for who I was. That's all I'll say about that because it gets much worse.

WTF What a creep. Conversion "therapy" for zoophiles... That's definitively not what I meant when I was suggesting therapy...
Luckily you're not attending this brainwashing anymore. What a shame you ever did.

But I am currently talking to people, and I'm starting to feel a lot better than I was when I wrote that original post.

That's good to hear. Keep it that way.

I did used to do meditation, and I'm thinking of starting it again, the ones I did were to reduce anxiety and help me sleep, but I'm planning on listening to guided well-being ones in the future.

That's also very good. I wish you luck and strength for your journey. Hopefully one day you will be a happy and proud zoo who has loving animal companions!

 

[Messmer]

WTF What a creep. Conversion "therapy" for zoophiles... That's definitively not what I meant when I was suggesting therapy...
Luckily you're not attending this brainwashing anymore. What a shame you ever did.

Believe me, it was terrible, and it ended with me having thoughts of self harm and sometimes suicude. After I stopped it, I have never felt better in my entire life. I don't hate myself anymore and don't have those thoughts anymore. I figured that's not the therapy you were talking about, it's just that if I mention anything related to zoophilia to a therapist, I'm afraid that's what it'll turn into.

Hopefully one day you will be a happy and proud zoo who has loving animal companions!

I only find dolphins sexually attractive, so unless I eventually become super rich, that's gonna' be a bit hard. I will still try with all my might though.

 

[Tony Montana]

I only find dolphins sexually attractive, so unless I eventually become super rich, that's gonna' be a bit hard. I will still try with all my might though.

Maybe you could try to move to live near the sea where bottlenose dolphins live. And if you rent or own a boat you could establish relationships with dolphins.

I know that's expensive but maybe you can do it nevertheless when you have the right amount of motivation.

 

[Messmer]

Maybe you could try to move to live near the sea where bottlenose dolphins live. And if you rent or own a boat you could establish relationships with dolphins.

I know that's expensive but maybe you can do it nevertheless when you have the right amount of motivation.

Probably, yeah.
I've definitely got the motivation, just not the money... Yet.

 

[Jmmp2803]

Sometimes

 

[doglover200032]

Probably, yeah.
I've definitely got the motivation, just not the money... Yet.

Try living on a boat out on the sea most boats like that cost I think maybe 50k

 

[btdc69]

Okay, it's a little personal, but I don't mind sharing.

Okay, so, back in school I was in a group of friends and I really trusted these friends (like really), we would tell each other everything. Now, I didn't outwardly tell them about my attraction, but I would make small jokes about it, and one day, one of my friends pulled me aside to ask about it. I'd probably trust him with my life, so I told him, and of course he told the others. At the time I only cared slightly as I trusted all of them, but that's when it all went all downhill. First thing they did was exploit me, they'd threaten to tell the other students in our class, or the whole school, our teacher, the TAs, or the headteacher if I didn't do things for them. They still told other students, even when I did the things the asked of me. The teachers definitely knew, as my friends would tell people loudly on purpose so others could hear, including the teachers. There was one time one of them, in our class, was talking to another student and one of the teaching assistants was standing in the doorway, and he basically shouted "Messmer (except he used my real name) wants to fuck dolphins". She 100% heared it. That wasn't all, they would constantly make fun of me, mock, ridicule, and scorn me. This whole ordeal went on for over a year, and only stopped because they graduated before me.

I believe my brain is trying to find reasons to blame itself instead of just accepting the fact my "friends," the people I trusted with my life, completely betrayed me, exploited me, and ridiculed and mocked me for over a year. So it's trying to tell me that what happened with them was all my fault, not theirs.

That's awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

People are capable of being so incomprehensibly cruel. When it comes to subjects in which society has conditioned us to adopt a specific moral ideology, many people aren't capable of dealing with such things without immediately repelling into what they have been taught.

I can understand why your mind wants to default to blaming yourself for your attraction. It makes sense that your brain would want to bargain with itself that those situations never would have happened if you did not have your attraction. But there's nothing to say that they would not have found something else to torment you with. At their core, it sounds like your "friends" were not the friends you thought they were. It's hard to say what drives people to go the lengths they do to inflict harm on others. No matter how hard your brain may want you to believe it, you are not responsible for the way people act or the actions they take. Their mistreatment of you stems from their own shortcomings and flaws. You did not deserve to be treated that way.

While I understand that it was a very traumatic experience for you, it's important to remember that experience does not have to define your life. You undoubtedly experienced a truly evil amount of bullying at school, and I am positive many people who witnessed what they were doing to you knew that it wasn't okay. No matter who your "friends" told about your attraction, they had no way of proving that you actually told them, and at that point it is nothing more than a rumor and outright harassment.

My intention in saying this is not to downplay the severity of the trauma you have experienced, but I think it's a good thing to recognize that your school years do not have to dictate your life. Those people do not matter, they are not a part of your life anymore and they never will be. You are only enabling yourself to suffer by perpetuating the cycle of pain they inflicted on you. I know it's not easy, but you have to make the decision to move on from trying to blame yourself for what happened to you. You have to take small steps to begin changing your mindset, to allow yourself to process the trauma done to you and to recognize that you are ready to let it go and heal from it. You shouldn't hate yourself because of other peoples' shitty actions.

I realize that when it comes to matters of self-loathing, it's not as easy as flipping a switch and magically all of those thoughts are gone. It's not easy, but you need to take the correct measures in order to start. Journaling is a great first start. Reciting or writing down affirmations may also help you. You are not broken, your brain is not unfixable. It needs to be rewired, and the beauty of the human mind is its flexibility, resilience, and ability to learn new things and to adopt new routines and mindsets. You can learn to be comfortable with yourself, you can learn to process the past and move on from those events. Your mind subconsciously chooses to blame yourself for things out of your control because it is a deeply rooted habit, it does not know how to do anything different. But it can learn.

 

[Messmer]

Try living on a boat out on the sea most boats like that cost I think maybe 50k

Have you got a spare 50 grand?

 

[Messmer]

That's awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

People are capable of being so incomprehensibly cruel. When it comes to subjects in which society has conditioned us to adopt a specific moral ideology, many people aren't capable of dealing with such things without immediately repelling into what they have been taught.

I can understand why your mind wants to default to blaming yourself for your attraction. It makes sense that your brain would want to bargain with itself that those situations never would have happened if you did not have your attraction. But there's nothing to say that they would not have found something else to torment you with. At their core, it sounds like your "friends" were not the friends you thought they were. It's hard to say what drives people to go the lengths they do to inflict harm on others. No matter how hard your brain may want you to believe it, you are not responsible for the way people act or the actions they take. Their mistreatment of you stems from their own shortcomings and flaws. You did not deserve to be treated that way.

While I understand that it was a very traumatic experience for you, it's important to remember that experience does not have to define your life. You undoubtedly experienced a truly evil amount of bullying at school, and I am positive many people who witnessed what they were doing to you knew that it wasn't okay. No matter who your "friends" told about your attraction, they had no way of proving that you actually told them, and at that point it is nothing more than a rumor and outright harassment.

My intention in saying this is not to downplay the severity of the trauma you have experienced, but I think it's a good thing to recognize that your school years do not have to dictate your life. Those people do not matter, they are not a part of your life anymore and they never will be. You are only enabling yourself to suffer by perpetuating the cycle of pain they inflicted on you. I know it's not easy, but you have to make the decision to move on from trying to blame yourself for what happened to you. You have to take small steps to begin changing your mindset, to allow yourself to process the trauma done to you and to recognize that you are ready to let it go and heal from it. You shouldn't hate yourself because of other peoples' shitty actions.

I realize that when it comes to matters of self-loathing, it's not as easy as flipping a switch and magically all of those thoughts are gone. It's not easy, but you need to take the correct measures in order to start. Journaling is a great first start. Reciting or writing down affirmations may also help you. You are not broken, your brain is not unfixable. It needs to be rewired, and the beauty of the human mind is its flexibility, resilience, and ability to learn new things and to adopt new routines and mindsets. You can learn to be comfortable with yourself, you can learn to process the past and move on from those events. Your mind subconsciously chooses to blame yourself for things out of your control because it is a deeply rooted habit, it does not know how to do anything different. But it can learn.

Thank you. I really do appreciate everything you've said, and I'll take it all to heart. But, that school wasn't the only trauma my child mind has to face. My childhood was riddled with horrible and traumatic events which has caused me to become the person I am today. So, it's gonna' be much harder because it's not just one thing I have to face, it's multiple, and you guessed correctly, I blame myself for all of it, not just my school days.

 

[Messmer]

It is all my fault; not just my attraction or the torment I faced at the hands of my friends, but everything. Everything that happened to me is my fault, everything. EVERYTHING! If I had just been someone else, nothing would've happened to me. If I was just a better child, a smarter, calmer child, nothing would've happened to me. If only I didn't have autism! ALL the trauma I faced is MY fault! .... All of it ... Everything ...

 

[btdc69]

Thank you. I really do appreciate everything you've said, and I'll take it all to heart. But, that school wasn't the only trauma my child mind has to face. My childhood was riddled with horrible and traumatic events which has caused me to become the person I am today. So, it's gonna' be much harder because it's not just one thing I have to face, it's multiple, and you guessed correctly, I blame myself for all of it, not just my school days.


It is all my fault; not just my attraction or the torment I faced at the hands of my friends, but everything. Everything that happened to me is my fault, everything. EVERYTHING! If I had just been someone else, nothing would've happened to me. If I was just a better child, a smarter, calmer child, nothing would've happened to me. If only I didn't have autism! ALL the trauma I faced is MY fault! .... All of it ... Everything ...

I understand and I relate deeply. It has only been a couple of years since I have started breaking out of my self-destructive habits, including blaming myself for every single thing, and while it's not perfect it's truly phenomenal how much clarity you can gain when even some of that burden can be lifted. It's difficult to see how anything can get better when all you know is that everything is horrible and that it is only going to get worse. When our minds are used to nothing but negativity, we unintentionally end up creating a cycle in which our brain generates these thoughts because it sustains themselves off of them; it's all it knows, but it's not all it has to know. It's not our fault that we end up this way, but it is our responsibility to care for ourselves and be for ourselves what nobody else can be.

I don't want to give potentially bad or unsolicited advice as I don't think I'm the shining example of how to approach mental health. But I promise you if you work towards finding peace within yourself, you will find it. For many years I expected it to be handed to me on a silver platter. But the truth was that I wasn't ready to improve myself, I wasn't willing to be responsible for myself and face my demons head-on. I thought it was just going to happen automatically or that someone, or something, was going to make it happen for me. It took many years of sinking lower and lower until it hit me like 20 tons of bricks that it was my own subconscious holding me back. It stung, and it was very sudden, but once it clicked it gave me an outlook on life that I didn't think I'd have.

Some days I feel like I have a resolute determination to keep going. Some days I feel like the only thing that keeps me going is pure spite because I'm so frustrated at myself. But I know one day I'll get there, and I know one day you will get there too.