Almost a month without you

kn0ttyboi

kn0ttyboi

Citizen of Zooville
It's been just shy of a month since you left this world on a gloomy early November afternoon. I think back to the last time I saw you not realizing you were not feeling well as I awoke to get ready for the work day. I should have known something was wrong then when you did not want to eat your morning meal I just thought you were being stubborn as you sometimes can be. I regret not telling you that I love you before walking out the door that morning not knowing what was to come. I beat myself up every day since wishing I realized something was not right wishing I just choose to not go into work that morning. I know now that even if I had there was nothing I could have done even if I had rushed you to an emergency vet you would have most likely taken your last breath on a cold foreign operating table instead of your own home in your happy safe space. I cannot get the memories out of my head coming home that late afternoon, I will forever be scared remembering calling out your name to no response. My heart shattered into a billion pieces when we found you in your safe spot my mind always killing me with the thoughts that you were waiting for me to be home to feel like you were going to be okay. I wish I could repress those images from my mind really, erase all memories of that day. It's been almost a month since that day and it has never gotten any easier to carry on day to day without you here by my side wagging and cuddling up beside me, my world feels like it has entirely crashed around me and the pieces seem to be impossible to gather back up. I miss you so much I wish everyday there was something I could have done, some way I could have prevented this from happening and still have you for many more happy healthy years to come. I am having the hardest time accepting the reality I find myself in, though I know I must carry on without you the life and memories we got to have with each other in the short time you were on this earth will forever keep me going and the hope that when the day comes I take my last breath you will be there waiting for me wagging your tail happy to see me again.
 
SultryHellhound said:
So very sorry to hear that man. That's our curse, we never get to be with our lovers for long at all 😔😔
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Ain't that the truth. My boy was still fairly young and just did not expect this. The sheer suddenness of everything makes processing even more difficult.
 
Sheppermutt said:
...was there anyone home during the day? Did you get to say goodbye...? I really feel for you. The void will never be filled, but just understand it is OK to not fill it. Cancer sucks. One day they can be perfectly fine, and the next day they are super ill. Unfortunately it's not always easy to detect; there is a bit of luck involved. Please don't beat yourself up over it.
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Thank you for the support and caring words. No one was home at the time, though we do have another dog that was here with him and I am sure she was by his side the whole time. I did not get the opportunity to say goodbye to him.. I know I should not beat myself up but it hurts in ways I didn't know possible, I feel as if I failed him.. I don't know I can ever shake that feeling away.
 
I just cannot believe it.. It's been an entire year without my boy, not a single day of it gone by without thinking of you. I hope your out there somewhere, maybe sitting right here next to me as I type this. Cannot ever forget that cold gloomy day no matter how hard I try, least this day is bright and sunny. Life has found a way to move forward and with a new four legged friend albeit not nearly the same love and compassion. My hearts yours always and forever, miss you <3
 
I'm so sorry it makes me feel sick. So glad to hear you have a new friend to love on, and cheer you up.
 
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